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Jay Angler
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A belt with a watch is a waist of time.

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Jay Angler
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What do you call an egg that goes. on safari? An eggs-plorer!

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Jay Angler
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Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much? he asked.

I'm not sure," said his friend, "but I think she's cramming for her finals."

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Dennis Barrow
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By the time my grandfather was my age,
he had already amassed 5 un-drivable cars,
3 blown up chainsaws, 143 bent T posts and
14 baby food jars of misc. nuts and bolts.

What am I even doing with my life.  I have so much catching up to do!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Helping my daughter with her English homework today.  She says she wants to dress up as Santa Claus next yer for 4th of July.

If anybody asks she's an Independent Clause.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because to them.... love means nothing.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems.

Then it occurred to me, I don't think I know 5 people without any problems.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My obese parrot died today.

Sad news, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I used to be a bookworm.
Then I discovered books on tape.
Now I'm a tapeworm.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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What is a common myth about your country that is 100% false, but people still believe it?

Romania.  Many people believe we have vampires, but in my 700 years living here I haven't seen one.

I asked my mates back in the castle and they haven't seen any either, and they have been around longer than me.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My mind is like a browser:
30 open tabs
5 are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear the one about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?

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Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs?

It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

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Jay Angler
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“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

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Dennis Barrow
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I was once married to a cross eyed woman.

What happened?

We just didn't see eye to eye on anything.  Also, she was seeing someone on the side.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I had a thought, but unfortunately I had a second thought.
They ricocheted off each other and I can't find either anymore.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My ducks are absolutely not in a row.
I don't even know where some of them are......
And I am pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Boy’s definition of a waffle: “A pancake with a non-skid tread.”

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Jay Angler
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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this joke.)

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Jay Angler
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After writing a speech for class, my daughter asked for input. I listened to her talk about sexually transmitted diseases, then gave my opinion.

“It’s great,” I said. “There’s one sentence in particular that I like.”

“Which one?” she asked.

“The one where you write, ‘The only way other than abstinence to be sure that you will not contract an STD is to remain in a monotonous relationship.'”

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Jeremy VanGelder
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What do the dandelions call their rock band?

Spin̈al Taproot

Tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation of fire.

 
John F Dean
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I honestly didn’t think I needed orthopedic shoes, but I stand corrected.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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It must be a little chilly today. The neighbors kid saw my light on and stopped by when I was having coffee. I noticed his pants were pulled all the way up.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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Anyway, he was looking for a smoke machine for a band he was forming.  I offered  him my Chevy pickup truck.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Dennis Barrow
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My neighbors complained about me groaning to loud in the morning having sex.............
If they only knew I was just trying to put my socks on.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
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THERE IS A FACTORY in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....."

"Your job is to give Elmo two TEST tickles.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Dennis Barrow
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I always say "thank you" to Alexa so that when AI becomes self-aware and takes over the world I will be spared enslavement.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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What’s red, orange and yellow and doesn’t get hurt when it falls?


Autumn leaves!

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Jay Angler
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How do leaves travel from town to town?



In autumn-mobiles.

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Jay Angler
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Why did the robot couple insist on being married in the fall?



They wanted to be fully autumn-mated.

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Jay Angler
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What do Jedi trees say to each other?

May the forest be with you.

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K Eilander
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Most people have heard of Karl Marx due to Communism, but it's a shame how few people know of his little sister Anya, the famous Olympic runner.  In fact, she is still honored today by being mentioned, by name, at the start of every race.

(Think about it... )

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Robert Ray
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why don't monsters eat ghosts?..............They taste like sheet.

Our inability to change everything should not stop us from changing what we can.

 
John F Dean
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I couldn’t sleep last night so I got up and turned on the TV.  There were  these people sitting around a table coming up with a great list of things to do for the coming weekend.  Then I realized it was a religious channel listing sins.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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A young Weasel walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “You look kind of young. I can’t serve you.” The weasel then asks what he can have. The bartender gives him the option of water, lemonade, or pop. “POP!” Goes the weasel.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Jay Angler
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If money really did grow on trees, what would be everybody's favourite season?


Fall

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Jay Angler
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Why are all Superman costumes so tight?
They're all size "S".

Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?
The Crossing Gourd

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What did the customer say at the farmer’s market?

That’s quite a load of crop you’ve got there.

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I FEEL suave and debonair. Why can't you be as supportive as this tiny ad?
The new permaculture playing cards kickstarter is now live!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards
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