jokes

Them:   What inspires you to get out of bed each morning?

Me:  My bladder, mostly.

Bologna is just hotdog pancakes.

This one has been around for a while in various forms.

Newbie gardener to her neighbor: I am worried my new flowers are going to die before I get them in the ground.
Neighbor: Oh, have you been that busy?
Newbie gardener: No, its just been overcast for the 4 days since I bought them.
Neighbor: Why does that matter?
Newbie gardener: The flowers say "plant in full sun"

A group of the smartest scientists in the world got together, and after years of intense research, had found a recipe that allowed them to create a living human from dirt. After this discovery, they went to God, and said "We don't need you, because we can create life from dirt."

Somewhat amused, God suggested a contest. Both sides would create a life, and then they would compare and see which was better. The scientists agreed. They began to collect things for their recipe. Sand from the Sahara desert, loam from the American plains, and rock dust from Mt. Everest. God saw them collecting all these things and said "Hold on... you have to get your own dirt".

Ancient Greek nobles paid their philosophers with grapes, bread, and wine.

That was food for thought.

I was reading a book on helium. I couldn’t put it down.

Why did the pig dump her boyfriend?

Because he was a real boar.

You always see witches with cauldrons, but you never see them with tupperware.
There's no way they ate all that stew in one sitting.

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?
Or just a-lo-ha.

You think gas and electricity bills are expensive?

Have you seen chimney's?

They are through the roof!

Spoiler Alert!

Life's a short movie and in the end everybody dies.

Also, way to talky and not enough nudity.

I was watching a show with a friend and the credits mentioned Al dover.
I asked her if Al dover was Ben's brother?

As soon as she said, "I don't know who Ben Dover is". She knew that I got her.
I got punched.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap!

Tried to flush a pair of clogs down the toilet.

They worked!

What happened when the farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?

He got a hot-diggity-dog.

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.

He had to get rid of it, though. Every time he turned a corner, the tires squealed.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation and while he’s there he meets an Aussie farmer.
They get talking and the Aussie farmer shows off his big wheat field.
The Texan is unimpressed and says, “We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as that.”
They walk around the ranch a little more, and then the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan is again unimpressed and says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
They carry on walking around the ranch when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks the Aussie, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

What's Forrest Gumps password?

1forrest1

Study finds 100% of men would eat any fruit given to them by a naked woman.

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football gamehe was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/k76t1/can_cold_water_clean_dishes/

Why do I have to grow up?..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public...

There's a little bit of Barbie in all of us....
you know, because of the microplastics.

Yesterday, a couple of my buddies and I stopped in at Hooter's for some Hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of the servers
asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck
in an elevator with.
I told her "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.
Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.

One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught, the pastor of the church appealed to the townsfolk for help, but to no avail. No one would help. Why would they? For the first time in their town's history, they now had peace and quiet for their daylight hours instead of the deafening roar of the bell reverberating throughout the valley.

Nevertheless, the pastor, the mayor, and the local constable were determined to get to the bottom of this. A crime was a crime, and something as valuable as a very large bell being stolen was not to be taken lightly. But the three of them couldn't figure this out alone. It was a small town. Nobody would comply with the investigation; everybody knew who they were. They needed outside help.

They summoned an inspector up from New York City. Wanting to remain inconspicuous, he arrived in town and got right to work, interviewing each of the town's hundred or so citizens. After a few days, he completed his investigation. He convened in a meeting with the mayor, the pastor and the constable to give them his report;

"I've solved the mystery, Mr. Mayor," said the inspector, "And Father, I'm afraid your bell has been destroyed."

"What?" the pastor said aghast, "How can you be certain?"

"It wasn't hard to get them to talk. I just had to mention how nice and quiet this town was, and pretty much every one of them was happy to tell the story about how it wasn't until recently. You see, not a damned one of them was fond of that damned bell, no offense Father."

"I can understand the desire for the solace of peace and quiet..." lamented the pastor, "but to destroy one of the Lord's tools for spreading His word? Who would do such a thing?"

"That's just the thing," the inspector said, retrieving a long, thin, bronze shard, and tossing it onto the mayor's desk with a clatter. "Every single person was proud to be carrying one of these."

"Is that...?" wept the pastor.

"Your bell." answered the inspector. "And pretty much everybody in town had one. I bought this one off the baker."

"Even the haberdasher?" The mayor asked.

The inspector nodded.

"The flower girl? The tailor?" the mayor asked, grasping.

The inspector nodded as well.

"Even Moe, the Mortician?" bemoaned the pastor.

"He seemed happiest of them all, Father." the inspector said bluntly.

The constable scoffs. "Well I can't very well go around and arrest everybody in the town! That would be madness! Was there anybody in town who had not partaken of this crime?!"

"Well, there was one man..." the inspector looks out the window, towards a small shack on the edge of town. "Who lives in that house down over there?"

"That's ol' Henry's place," explained the mayor. "That old hermit is nearly deaf. Keeps to himself, for the most part."

"He was the only one in town I talked to who didn't seem to notice this town even had a bell. I reckon he's the only one here outside this room who had no part in this farce."
The four men looked around at each other and immediately knew exactly what to do.

The next day, the Mayor had the entire town meet inside the town square for an announcement.

"As we all know," he began, "a certain instrument of our local church has gone missing." a few members of the townsfolk cheered and clapped. "And after much investigation, we have determined that each and every one of you is guilty, at least in part of this heinous crime."

The crowd remained still.

"Do not fret, because what is done cannot be undone. None of you shall be punished."

The crowd visibly sways in relief.

"However, one of you has been found to be innocent, and he shall be rewarded." The mayor spots his quarry at the back of the crowd. "Ol' Henry? Can you come up here for a moment?"

With some assistance from the crowd, the shy, disheveled older gentleman meekly makes his way through the part in the mob, and steps up next to the mayor.

"Mr. Henry here was the only one among you who was not found in possession of a piece of the Alfred town bell. Therefore, I would like to award you good sir..."

The mayor hangs a hefty medallion around the hermit's neck,

"The very first, Alfred No Bell Piece Prize!"

What’s Irish and stays out all summer?

Paddy O’furniture.

During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem

They deployed the swat team.

.

.

.

How long have you had amnesia?

As long as I can remember.

I remember the old days, when Snap, Crackle and Pop were the sounds that came from my cereal, not my body.

.

Dr Jekyll asks one of his colleagues if he should consider running for Governor.

His friend replies, "Well... you can run, but you can't Hyde."

I shaved Schrödinger's cat with Occam's razor.

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip.

“We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

Where do sharks go on summer vacation?

Finland!

What do you call a snowman in July?

A puddle.

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:


"Isn't that Odd?"