jokes

What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.

I was getting open heart surgery when the surgeon went into another room and vanished. Nobody knew where they went, and everyone searched frantically but the surgeon did not appear.

Nobody expects the vanishing physician.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as she looked up at the sky?

“Looks like rain, dear.”


(Greg started it...)

John F Dean wrote:This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

Had to think about that 3rd one.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

It soots him.



Did you hear about the elf who shoots rockets from his feet?

He has missile toes.

What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

A pineapple.



Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?

They always drop their needles.

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas one has no L !

What did the rat say when he saw a bat flying overhead?

"Oh my! An angel!"

Writing lesson for the day: A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

"I ate a sandwich."

vs

"I ate a colon sandwich."

Got these from the Backwoods Home email:


What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso


Why is coffee sometimes called mud? Because it was ground a minute ago.


Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."


A yawn is just a silent cry for coffee.


This morning I made coffee with Redbull instead of water. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized that I had left the car at home.


An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."


"Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye."
"Take the spoon out of your cup."


A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Husband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."



The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: "Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?"

Abdul: "Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back."

Today is Abdul's farewell party.

Another person just called me, coughed, sneezed and hung up.
I sure am tired of getting these cold calls.

What is a camel`s favorite day of the week?

Hump day ...

We got an electric blanket!

Now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

How can you tell how many pounds a chili pepper is?

/////

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

What was the caterpillar’s New Year’s resolution?
She wanted to turn over a new leaf.

I honestly tried. I made a note about my New Year resolutions on my cell phone last night. This morning I checked.  Auto correct changed exercise to Extra Fries. … oh well.

I wanted to cook y'all a special New Year's Day Feast - but I ran out of thyme...

Well, I am trying to recover the resolutions I made on this damned phone, but no matter what buttons I push it screws up.  I am about to bust the damned thing against the fireplace.  Anyway,  I remember there is another one about patience and temper.

Ok.i got my resolutions from last year to come up. I didn’t meet the first one to lose weight, but, honestly, I had a lot on my plate.

Wait!  It doesn’t say “Lose weight”.  It says “Get in shape”.  Round is a shape!