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jokes

 
steward
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What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
 
gardener
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I was getting open heart surgery when the surgeon went into another room and vanished. Nobody knew where they went, and everyone searched frantically but the surgeon did not appear.

Nobody expects the vanishing physician.
 
master steward
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What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as she looked up at the sky?

“Looks like rain, dear.”


(Greg started it...)
 
pollinator
Posts: 297
Location: Wichita, Kansas, United States
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John F Dean wrote:This sentence contains exactly threee erors.



Had to think about that 3rd one.
 
Jay Angler
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Why does Santa go down the chimney?

It soots him.



Did you hear about the elf who shoots rockets from his feet?

He has missile toes.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

A pineapple.



Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?

They always drop their needles.
 
Jay Angler
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What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas one has no L !
 
Jay Angler
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What did the rat say when he saw a bat flying overhead?

"Oh my! An angel!"
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15864
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Writing lesson for the day: A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

"I ate a sandwich."

vs

"I ate a colon sandwich."
 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Got these from the Backwoods Home email:


What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso


Why is coffee sometimes called mud? Because it was ground a minute ago.


Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."


A yawn is just a silent cry for coffee.


This morning I made coffee with Redbull instead of water. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized that I had left the car at home.


An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."


"Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye."
"Take the spoon out of your cup."


A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Husband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."



The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: "Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?"

Abdul: "Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back."

Today is Abdul's farewell party.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Another person just called me, coughed, sneezed and hung up.
I sure am tired of getting these cold calls.
 
steward
Posts: 18361
Location: USDA Zone 8a
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What is a camel`s favorite day of the week?

Hump day ...
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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We got an electric blanket!

Now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
 
Posts: 12
Location: Gijon, Asturias, Spain
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How can you tell how many pounds a chili pepper is?

/////

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
 
Greg Martin
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What was the caterpillar’s New Year’s resolution?
She wanted to turn over a new leaf.
 
master steward
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I honestly tried. I made a note about my New Year resolutions on my cell phone last night. This morning I checked.  Auto correct changed exercise to Extra Fries. … oh well.
 
Jay Angler
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I wanted to cook y'all a special New Year's Day Feast - but I ran out of thyme...
 
John F Dean
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Well, I am trying to recover the resolutions I made on this damned phone, but no matter what buttons I push it screws up.  I am about to bust the damned thing against the fireplace.  Anyway,  I remember there is another one about patience and temper.
 
John F Dean
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Ok.i got my resolutions from last year to come up. I didn’t meet the first one to lose weight, but, honestly, I had a lot on my plate.
 
John F Dean
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Wait!  It doesn’t say “Lose weight”.  It says “Get in shape”.  Round is a shape!
 
Jay Angler
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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It’s my thirty-second birthday.
 
Jay Angler
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If you teach a goose to use a computer…

Is it a technical fowl?
 
John F Dean
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On the plus side, I do have my New Year’s resolution for 2027 ….to stop Procrastinating.
 
gardener
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With all the rain we've been having, I was thinking about some great umbrella jokes... but they usually go over people's heads.
 
Jay Angler
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What kind of bugs smell the best?

Deodorants.
 
Jay Angler
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Did you see that big rat on the road?
I think that was a roadent.
 
M Ljin
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The king went up on the mountain and sat there. When his advisors and company came up after him, he hid in the bushes.

“Why are you hiding in the bushes, Your Majesty?”

“When I ruled the kingdom, I was king over the land and everyone in it, except myself, for I was ruled by the kingdom. Now I just realized that I have the choice between that, and being the king of myself and nothing else. Here, have my crown!”

The king threw the crown right at the crowd of attendants. They ran and scattered, not wanting to be hit by the heavy gold thing. When they regrouped the king was gone. They then built a solemn and stately monument where the crown had embedded itself in the earth, and chose a new king.
 
Jay Angler
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A dad is grilling mystery meat (deer burgers) for the kids and they ask "What kind of meat is it, daddy?"
Dad: "I will give you a hint...its what mommy calls me sometimes".
Daughter: "DONT EAT IT JOHNNY!!! IT'S ASS HOLE!"
 
Jay Angler
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Have you heard about the rat that got a big job in politics?
She is a bureaucrat now.
 
pioneer
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OK, I now have to stop reading these before I laugh myself to wet pants!!!  I am THE worst joke teller, even when typing.  But I do appreciate every joke I have read so far.  THANK YOU FOR THE GIGGLES!!    --Tess
Staff note :

Jokes only in this thread, please.

 
Greg Martin
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I'm not quite sure what to do.
I'm late on my payments to my Scrabble subscription and now they're sending me threatening letters!
 
Greg Martin
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What do you call a melancholy robot.
A sigh-borg.
 
Greg Martin
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I put my Kia up for sale and the Devil contacted me.
I sold him my Soul.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross a snowstorm and a freezer?

Cold comfort!
 
Jay Angler
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Why do sailors eat shellfish when a storm is forecasted?  

It's the clam before the storm.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup?  

A storm brewing.
 
Jay Angler
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What's awkward about tropical storm warnings?

They cause premature evacuation.
 
John F Dean
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I’ve wasted half the morning looking for my red magic marker.  I have to go to the hospital today to have blood drawn.
 
John F Dean
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When I was a kid, I was told that icy was easy to spell.  Now as an adult, I see why.
 
John F Dean
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A group of 5 homeless ants got together with another group of ants to rent an apartment.  Now they are tenants.
 
I agree. Here's the link: http://stoves2.com
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