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jokes

 
Greg Martin
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What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
M Ljin
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I was getting open heart surgery when the surgeon went into another room and vanished. Nobody knew where they went, and everyone searched frantically but the surgeon did not appear.

Nobody expects the vanishing physician.
 
Jay Angler
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What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as she looked up at the sky?

“Looks like rain, dear.”


(Greg started it...)

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Phil Swindler
pollinator
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Location: Wichita, Kansas, United States
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John F Dean wrote:This sentence contains exactly threee erors.



Had to think about that 3rd one.

Your friend isn't always right and your enemy isn't always wrong.

 
Jay Angler
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Why does Santa go down the chimney?

It soots him.



Did you hear about the elf who shoots rockets from his feet?

He has missile toes.

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Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

A pineapple.



Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?

They always drop their needles.

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Jay Angler
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What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas one has no L !

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Jay Angler
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What did the rat say when he saw a bat flying overhead?

"Oh my! An angel!"

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Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Writing lesson for the day: A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

"I ate a sandwich."

vs

"I ate a colon sandwich."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Got these from the Backwoods Home email:


What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso


Why is coffee sometimes called mud? Because it was ground a minute ago.


Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."


A yawn is just a silent cry for coffee.


This morning I made coffee with Redbull instead of water. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized that I had left the car at home.


An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."


"Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye."
"Take the spoon out of your cup."


A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Husband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."



The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: "Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?"

Abdul: "Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back."

Today is Abdul's farewell party.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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Another person just called me, coughed, sneezed and hung up.
I sure am tired of getting these cold calls.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Anne Miller
steward
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4660
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What is a camel`s favorite day of the week?

Hump day ...

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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We got an electric blanket!

Now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Ashley Lester
Posts: 12
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How can you tell how many pounds a chili pepper is?

/////

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

"The heart's a big tent
You gotta let everybody in
Doesn't matter who they are
If they do right or where they've been
Everybody gets in"
-Willi Carlisle

 
Greg Martin
steward
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What was the caterpillar’s New Year’s resolution?
She wanted to turn over a new leaf.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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John F Dean
master steward
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I honestly tried. I made a note about my New Year resolutions on my cell phone last night. This morning I checked.  Auto correct changed exercise to Extra Fries. … oh well.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Jay Angler
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I wanted to cook y'all a special New Year's Day Feast - but I ran out of thyme...

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John F Dean
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Well, I am trying to recover the resolutions I made on this damned phone, but no matter what buttons I push it screws up.  I am about to bust the damned thing against the fireplace.  Anyway,  I remember there is another one about patience and temper.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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Ok.i got my resolutions from last year to come up. I didn’t meet the first one to lose weight, but, honestly, I had a lot on my plate.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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Wait!  It doesn’t say “Lose weight”.  It says “Get in shape”.  Round is a shape!

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Jay Angler
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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It’s my thirty-second birthday.

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Jay Angler
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If you teach a goose to use a computer…

Is it a technical fowl?

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John F Dean
master steward
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On the plus side, I do have my New Year’s resolution for 2027 ….to stop Procrastinating.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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With all the rain we've been having, I was thinking about some great umbrella jokes... but they usually go over people's heads.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Jay Angler
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What kind of bugs smell the best?

Deodorants.

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Jay Angler
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Did you see that big rat on the road?
I think that was a roadent.

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M Ljin
gardener
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The king went up on the mountain and sat there. When his advisors and company came up after him, he hid in the bushes.

“Why are you hiding in the bushes, Your Majesty?”

“When I ruled the kingdom, I was king over the land and everyone in it, except myself, for I was ruled by the kingdom. Now I just realized that I have the choice between that, and being the king of myself and nothing else. Here, have my crown!”

The king threw the crown right at the crowd of attendants. They ran and scattered, not wanting to be hit by the heavy gold thing. When they regrouped the king was gone. They then built a solemn and stately monument where the crown had embedded itself in the earth, and chose a new king.
 
Jay Angler
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A dad is grilling mystery meat (deer burgers) for the kids and they ask "What kind of meat is it, daddy?"
Dad: "I will give you a hint...its what mommy calls me sometimes".
Daughter: "DONT EAT IT JOHNNY!!! IT'S ASS HOLE!"

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Jay Angler
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Have you heard about the rat that got a big job in politics?
She is a bureaucrat now.

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Tess Misch
pioneer
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OK, I now have to stop reading these before I laugh myself to wet pants!!!  I am THE worst joke teller, even when typing.  But I do appreciate every joke I have read so far.  THANK YOU FOR THE GIGGLES!!    --Tess

Mother Earth never fails us
Finding home in Nature
Living the life of my dreams

Staff note :

Jokes only in this thread, please.

 
Greg Martin
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I'm not quite sure what to do.
I'm late on my payments to my Scrabble subscription and now they're sending me threatening letters!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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What do you call a melancholy robot.
A sigh-borg.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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I put my Kia up for sale and the Devil contacted me.
I sold him my Soul.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross a snowstorm and a freezer?

Cold comfort!

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Jay Angler
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Why do sailors eat shellfish when a storm is forecasted?  

It's the clam before the storm.

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Jay Angler
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What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup?  

A storm brewing.

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Jay Angler
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What's awkward about tropical storm warnings?

They cause premature evacuation.

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John F Dean
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I’ve wasted half the morning looking for my red magic marker.  I have to go to the hospital today to have blood drawn.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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When I was a kid, I was told that icy was easy to spell.  Now as an adult, I see why.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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A group of 5 homeless ants got together with another group of ants to rent an apartment.  Now they are tenants.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
I agree. Here's the link: http://stoves2.com
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