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jokes

 
John F Dean
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My wife was having a rough morning. She began recalling all her regrets in life.  I suggested to her that she try embracing   her mistakes.  She gave me a hug.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?

They're getting married in the spring!

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Greg Martin
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What did the chemist say to her valentine?
I think of you periodically.

What did the painter say to his valentine?
I love you with all of my art.

What did the chef give to his valentine?
A hug and a quiche.

And all I got for y'all are some corny valentine jokes!  Happy Valentine's Day!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
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The Buddhist approached the hotdog vender and asked, “Make me one, with everything.”

When he received lunch, he handed the vender a $20 bill and waited, and waited, and waited, until he had run out of patience.

“What about my change?” the Buddhist said.

The hotdog vender smiled: “Change comes from within.”

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Jay Angler
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

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Jay Angler
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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John F Dean
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Sometimes people come into your life …and they need to stop doing that

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Donner MacRae
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(Slight) improvement on one of Jay Angler's from p. 87:

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Before tooth-hurty.

This joke was actually tacked to the wall at my old dentist's office =]

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Jay Angler
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What did one blueberry say to the other blueberry?

If you weren’t so sweet, we wouldn’t be in this jam.

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Jay Angler
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Never make plans with croissants — they’re flaky!

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Donner MacRae
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My neighbor rang my doorbell at 3AM. (Can you believe the NERVE of that guy?)
Luckily, I was still up playing the drums.

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Donner MacRae
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What do you call an old snowman? A glass of water.

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Donner MacRae
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino!

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Donner MacRae
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Gimme your best 'make like a _' one-liner!
Time to make like a baby and head on out of this bitch.

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Anne Miller
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What did one hat say to the other? You wait here — I'll go on ahead!

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Ned Harr
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Donner MacRae wrote:Gimme your best 'make like a _' one-liner!
Time to make like a baby and head on out of this bitch.



It's really hard to beat Biff's line from "Back to the Future": "...Make like a tree and get outta here!"

I've sometimes coined rhyming salutations like "I'm outta here like last year"

Improvising right now...how about "make like superman and escape"

"Make like a rug and beat it"

"Make like green lumber and split"
 
Donner MacRae
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(originals)

Maybe you should make like a librarian and book.
Or - make like Usain, and Bolt.

Me, I'm gonna make like pectin, and jam.

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Donner MacRae
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(originals)

Look at it like a political office, and make a run for it.

Don't be naive about the nature of life on Earth.

 
Ned Harr
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Did you hear about the guy who planted winterfresh near his downspouts? He was putting in a system for rainwater catchmint.
 
Jay Angler
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Legumes are now goodwill ambassadors.

Their job is to spread peas on Earth.

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Jay Angler
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Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. A filling station was only a block away, but the attendant said they had no gas can for her to borrow.

Sister Mary returned to her car to see if there was a gas can in the trunk. There wasn’t, but she found a bedpan. Being resourceful she took it to the station and asked the attendant to fill ‘er up.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”

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Dennis Barrow
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Don't be mad at lazy people, they haven't done anything.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I make bad decisions when I'm drunk,
but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Matt McSpadden
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I believe in a flat earth... 75% of the earth is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
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Jay Angler
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Where do zombies like to go swimming?

The Dead Sea

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Jay Angler
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Where do ghosts like to go swimming?


Lake Eerie

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Jay Angler
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In which direction does a chicken swim?


Cluck-wise!

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Paul Dena
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Why do trees make the worst frenemies? Because they are always throwing shade!

What did the young plant say to the compost? "You decompose me."

Why are worms the best at composting? Because they always get into the dirt of things!

What do you call a well-spoken vegetable? An arti-chic!

Why did the gardener plant a seed in the pond? He wanted to grow a water-melon!

What did the bee say to the flower? "Hey bud, when do you open?"

Why don't secrets work in a garden? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

What's a gardener's favorite novel? "War and Peas."
 
Jay Angler
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest...

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but......with the Lab Report and the Cat scan, it's now $250."

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Jay Angler
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When it comes to eating sausage, I’m not a fan of the German kind. I think they’re the wurst.

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Matt McSpadden
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My sister has a sign in her laundry room...

"I was about to throw in the towel, when I remembered how much laundry I have to do!"

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
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John F Dean
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I tried to fix a couple chickens for dinner last eve.  Now I have too much Thyme on my hands.

….give me coffee to do the things I can and bourbon to accept the things I can’t.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Mike Haasl
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A horse walked into a bar.  
The bartender said "Hey!".  
The horse said "Yes please".

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
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What did the sun bring to the solar eclipse party?                             (A light snack!)


What did the sun say when it reappeared after an eclipse?              (Pleased to heat you again!)


Why didn't the sun go to college?                                                         (It already had a million degrees!)

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Jay Angler
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Fried shrimp are always angry. They have a hard time controlling their tempura.

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?”

The parrot replied, “Yes.”

Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?”

The parrot said, “Clarence.”

The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.

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Jay Angler
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What do you call the weatherman who really likes to eat steak?

A meateaterologist.

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