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jokes

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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I got a job at at Indian restaurant! They have excellent food, and keep their recipes, especially for their flatbread, secret.
I had to sign a paper before they'd hire me, I did, it was just their standard naan disclosure statement.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Talk about mixed emotions.  I am ashamed that I was so proud of myself for getting my pants on without falling over.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Blaine Clark
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What's on your Tombstone?  
I'll be with you in your heart.  
I'll be with you in the quiet.  
I'll be with you in your dreams.  
I'll be with you in your mind.  
I'll be with you on the stairs.  
You'll be with me at the bottom of the stairs.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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What's on your Tombstone?  
Life is a terminal STD??  Now you tell me

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Why are you called Jedi?
Our previous name just didn't cut it.
What was it?
Force Kin.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Why aren't contractions more popular?
I known't and I caren't.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Jay Angler
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How do you fix a broken pizza?  

With tomato paste.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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You know the old saying—igneous is bliss.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Ned Harr
pollinator
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Jay Angler wrote:You know the old saying—igneous is bliss.


Gneiss joke.
 
Carla Burke
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Dead Penguins – I Never Knew This! 🐧❄️
Have you ever wondered why you don’t see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?
Wonder no more! It’s well-known that penguins are very ritualistic birds and live highly ordered, complex lives. They are deeply committed to their families, mate for life, and maintain affectionate bonds with their offspring throughout their lives.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice, family and members of its social circle have been known to dig a hole in the ice using only their beaks and vestigial wings. They carefully roll the departed into the hole and bury it.
Then, the male penguins gather around the icy grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow…"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow…"


You didn’t really believe I knew anything about penguins, did you? 😄🐧

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Blaine Clark
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Regarding penguin burials, I thought their chant was "In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes."

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Jay Angler wrote:Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.



I had two cans of alphabet soup yesterday.
Had the biggest vowel movement ever, today.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Ned Harr wrote:

Jay Angler wrote:You know the old saying—igneous is bliss.


Gneiss joke.



Gives me such sedimental memories.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Jay Angler wrote:How do you fix a broken pizza?  

With tomato paste.



I had a very healthy and balanced breakfast. Whole wheat bread with vegetables spread all over plus dairy, meat, and fruit on it.

OK, I had a Hawiian pizza.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
M Ljin
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Blaine Clark wrote:Why aren't contractions more popular?
I known't and I caren't.



They are quite a pain, you know.

One can never be too kind to oneself or others.

 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 512
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Blaine Clark wrote:

Ned Harr wrote:

Jay Angler wrote:You know the old saying—igneous is bliss.


Gneiss joke.



Gives me such sedimental memories.


How uplifting! Granite, we've barely broken the crust on geology puns...
 
Blaine Clark
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M Ljin wrote:

Blaine Clark wrote:Why aren't contractions more popular?
I known't and I caren't.



They are quite a pain, you know.



Did You Hear the One About the Pregnant Woman?
She went into labor and started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't! Isn't! Wasn't! Won't!"  Yup. She was having contractions.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Daisy Pickett
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It is 1886 and One Eyed Peg Leg Larry and his gang of outlaws were finally found guilty for murder. The law had been trying to catch Larry for years.  Sheriff Roy Coffee not only apprehended the murderous good for nothing, he was to collect the $1,500 bounty for Larry's arrest, conviction, and execution. The punishment was hanging.

The town of Dead Skunk had a policy that if the condemned didn't die within 5 minutes, they were cut down and free to walk.
But no one had ever lasted more than a minute.

Sheriff Roy Coffee excitedly pointed to Larry and yelled to the executioner, "Hang the man with the wood leg!" Coffee couldn't collect his bounty until Peg Leg was officially pronounced dead.

Later that afternoon, Sheriff Coffee sees One Leg at the saloon smoking a cigar, drinking rum, and playing poker with one of the parlor girls sittin' on his lap. He turns and rushes back to the the jail snorting fire from his nostrils and  yells at the executioner, "Why is that no good for nothing murderous outlaw still alive?!"
"We tried to hang him with the wood leg, but we couldn't wrap it around his neck," the executioner replied. "We tried for five minutes, then we gave his leg back and let him walk."

 
Blaine Clark
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There are two wolves that live inside each of us.

Give them half a chance and they'll both eat your bacon.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a dubious rock?

A shamrock.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Blaine Clark
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Don't gimme no shampoo.
It's gotta be real poo.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Day old.
 Da-ay-ay old.
   Day old bread and me wan' take home.

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My girl friend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes.

She was lack toes intolerant.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If honey bees make honey, what kind of bees make milk?

Boo Bees.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I've read that giraffes can grow up to 18 feet.
The ones I've seen only had 4.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess its my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Daisy Pickett
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Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand stores.
 
Blaine Clark
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Dennis Barrow wrote:I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess its my own fault for using the self service checkout.



I've yet to find a self checkout station with a mirror. Liars!

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
Blaine Clark
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Old pirate sitting at a bar. He had a peg leg. He had a hook. He had an eye patch.
Tarbender asked him what his story was for all the missing parts.
The old pirate said, "The leg I lost to a cannon ball during an attack. The hand I lost in a saber fight."
The Tarbender waited for a bit, then asked about the eye.
The old pirate took a few minutes then answered, "Right after I got the hook there was this darned mosquito ..."

Try Linux on your computer, free, stable and maintenance free. Distributions I recommend are Linux-Mint and Debian. Better than throwing your PC away when Windows rejects you.

 
John F Dean
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My doctor told me he didn’t know why my diabetes meds stopped working ….it might be the alcohol.  I offered to come back when he was sober.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Blaine Clark
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I checked my bank balance this morning.
I fell over.

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Blaine Clark
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What do you call the person who graduated lowest in their class at medical school?

Doctor . . .

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Daisy Pickett
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What do you call two guys standing next to your window?
Curt and Rod.
 
John F Dean
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I was looking over my old postings.  Many of them were jokes about my weight.  I really need to lighten up.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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As much as we have tried, my wife and I simply can’t count calories. We have the figures to prove it.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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At 76 I finally made it to being a grown up.  I mean, I groan every time I get up.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I noticed that the last couple of pairs of shoes I bought have Velcro instead of laces.  Why knot?

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I applied for a job at a hospital, but they refused to hire me when I told them I had a Police record.  I can’t see what  the big deal is.  I thought  Ghost in the Machine was one of their better albums.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
I like you because you always keep good, crunchy cereal in your pantry. This tiny ad agrees:
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