jokes

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans
If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

My wife showed me a picture. She told me it was her when she was younger. I told her every picture she has of herself is of her when she was younger.

Yesterday I tried out ice sculpturing.   I made a cube.

Is a hippopotamus a really cool opotamus?

I used to teach, but now I have no class.

I have developed a terrible fear of sleeping. I keep dreaming that I have a job.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.


Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown!


But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.


Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town.


Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.


A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps.


They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside.


About a half hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Jose, there's that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushing it in the rain.'

I am pretty sure I have saved enough to retire on ... unless I buy something.

Back in my college days there was this really attractive girl who I thought had a crush on me.  I figured I would wait for her to make the first move. She moved to Chicago.

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

I live near a pretty small town.  Just under the population sign, it has a sign that says, “Beware of the dog"”

I went to the Air and Space Museum.....there was nothing there.

I have always been bad at spelling.  I don’t know if its nature or nurture.

When a mime is arrested, are they given the right to speak?

What did the cowboy say when he dropped his revolver down the well?

Well... shoot!

I am really frustrated.  We have only one bank in the small community I live near, and now I can’t use it.  It is advertising it has 24 hour banking.  I don’t have that much time!

It doesn’t make sense. I went to our general store, and they wanted me to be specific about what I wanted.

I sat up late last night trying to figure out why there were so many problems in the world. Then it hit me. The earth is bi-polar.

What is a leprechaun’s favorite type of music?

Sham-rock

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?

It was too far to walk.

What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?

A lot of small talk.

Why don’t you iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you don’t want to press your luck....like I'm doing with this last bad joke.  Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Speaking of irons, why do they have permanent  press settings?

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

I was busted once for using an illegal size paper pad.

What doesn’t mouse flavored cat food exist?

All my life I have wanted a Nobel Peace Prize.  Boy! I’d kill to get one of those.

So, the whole expression begs a question, “ How did the fool get his money in the first place?”

Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken!
Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the utter side!
Why did the horse cross the road? To visit the neighborhood!
Why did the farmer cross the road? To get all of his animals back!

What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Is it possible for me to go to a flight school to take a crash course?

If we sit around killing time, are we damaging eternity?

What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning.
My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain.
I was very skeptical at first but she was right

...
... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

For real, I checked out the craft dept of an a area store.  Clearly identified were “imitation Rhinestones.”  What is an imitation Rhinestone as opposed to a real one?

I stopped by a bar last night for the first time in ages.  I went from stool to stool hoping to get lucky.  But none of them had gum under them.

The average American consumes 18 pounds of bacon a year...............

Are you doing your part??

John F Dean wrote:For real, I checked out the craft dept of an a area store.  Clearly identified were “imitation Rhinestones.”  What is an imitation Rhinestone as opposed to a real one?

They didn't come from the rhine mine. ;)