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jokes

 
pollinator
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I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

It was a lamb - bikini.

 
steward
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After I drink coffee, I like to show our IT guy the empty mug and tell him that I have successfully installed Java.......he dislikes me.
 
Greg Martin
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Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Cyclops: "How do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife (biting lip): "Well, you need 2 ii's"

Cyclops: (puts pen down), "My life is just a joke to you, isn't it Linda?"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I have a bumper sticker that says:
  Honk if you think I'm SEXY

Then I just sit a green lights until I feel better.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I was going to cook alligator for dinner,

But realized I only had a crock pot.
 
pollinator
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Today I learned that, despite its name, contact cement is actually not supposed to be used to hold your contacts in.
...
But now my eyes have been opened!
 
Greg Martin
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I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible.

Guess that makes me an eightheist.
 
Greg Martin
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

 
master gardener
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Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like, “well,… damn!”
 
Jay Angler
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A treasure ship was on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze.

“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.

“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt.” The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!

“Captain, captain, what should we do?”

“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!

“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my
brown pants!”
 
master gardener
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I got in touch with my inner self today ... and it is the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
 
John F Dean
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Being a good Permie, I limit my shopping trips to one day a month. Well , before the month was over I ran out of toilet paper and was using an old calendar. I am happy to say those days are behind me.
 
steward & bricolagier
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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but nobody can figure out how they get in there!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Two Samurai are sitting, discussing the fine points of their art.
A fly circles above them, and the young Samurai leaps up, slashes with his sword, and the fly falls, in two pieces, to the floor.
As he sits down, he boasts that his speed cannot be beat.

Another fly appears, and the old Samurai slowly gets up and eyes the fly. He makes a slower slash with his sword, and sits down.

The fly makes a few tight circles above them, and then lands on the wall.
The younger Samurai says "Ha! You didn't even kill him!"
The elder calmly replies "True. But he will never have children!"
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s elbow, you can actually hear them say, “What the hell are you doing?”

It's true!!  Try it!
 
Dennis Barrow
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Heads up guys.  There are some real weirdo's in this group.

Someone messaged me asking me to meet up in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual,

And then they didn't even show up!!
 
Dennis Barrow
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Don't tell secrets in the garden.

The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk.
 
Dennis Barrow
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I just got back from a pleasure trip.............

Took my mother-in-law to the airport...
 
Greg Martin
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How could I tell it was a dogwood tree?
By its bark.
 
Posts: 126
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Q.  How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?

A. We don't know. It's never happened.
 
Dennis Barrow
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I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake, with two more frogs.
 
K Eilander
pollinator
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What kind of bacteria live in Anna's robe?

Anna-robe-ic bacteria!

(Feel free to annoy anyone you know named Anna with this joke. ;) )
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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A bacteria walks into a bar and the barkeep said, "We don't serve bacteria here!"

The bacteria said, "But I work here, I'm staph!"
 
Jay Angler
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Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.
 
Jay Angler
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Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.
The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keeping your friends close and your anemones closer.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything!
Like the fact that shirts have armholes!
I'll be celebrating that tonight!
 
John F Dean
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I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night, so my wife bought me a blindfold.  But, I can’t see myself wearing it.
 
Greg Martin
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary....
I learned next to nothing.
 
Greg Martin
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How do you cut an ocean in two?
With a sea-saw.
 
Greg Martin
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I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9....
the odds were against me
 
Dennis Barrow
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I love water.

Especially frozen into cubes and

surrounded by whiskey.
 
Greg Martin
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A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland.

It's expected to take out about 50 square blocks.
 
Greg Martin
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If I don’t perfect human cloning...

I won’t be able to live with myself.
 
Greg Martin
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Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.
 
master gardener
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.
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[Thumbnail for received_1253732861826999.jpeg]
 
Jay Angler
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There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college.

On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening.

Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him.

At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02.

The bartender was astounded-- he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!"
 
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then I was born. My twin is a tiny ad:
Compost Everything: The Good Guide to Extreme Composting ebook by David the Good
https://permies.com/wiki/142750/Compost-Good-Guide-Extreme-Composting
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