jokes

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished carpet cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I decided to attend an ante-natal class that was aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the sensitive issue of breaking the news to the older child, that they were going to have a baby brother or sister.

It went something like this:

“Some parents”, the instructor told the class, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family‘. But just stop and think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately and said, “Does she cook?”

The Taylor’s were very proud of their family history.

Their ancestors had traveled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower.

They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars.

They decided to research and write a family history, something that they could hand down to their children and grandchildren.

Having found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them, they were amazed at the family information that she managed to unearth.

However, a problem arose – how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair.

The writer said she could handle the story tactfully.

When the family history book was completed, the section about Jefferson read as follows:

Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

I heard some guy talking about his wife being a living contradiction.  Then I thought, it is guys who expect their partners to be virgins ... and at the same time tell their guy that he is the best they ever had.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, “O MG!”

I have been working all morning beginning work on a shelter for machinery.  I don’t like to brag, but I’m HOT!

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

I told my carpenter not to carpet my steps.
He gave me a blank stair.

A computer geek finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months pass, he's lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she replies, "I landed here several months ago when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from Palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of this island there's a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, then used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she suggests.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks toward shore, he nearly falls out of the boat in astonishment. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow charmingly painted blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only continue to stare at the cottage, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says, casually,
"It's not much really, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continuing amazement, the man accepts the cocktail, and they sit down together on her couch to talk. After they've exchanged their survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor with a carved bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns to the living room, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins, suggestively slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've no doubt been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
"You mean----?" he stammers, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Q: Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.

I was looking at my schedule for the rest of the week.   I am not sure if it is an omen, but the remaining days (beginning with today) spell out WTF.

I’m exhaustipated ...... too tired to give a shit.

What is the difference between an IT guy and a regular guy?

A regular guy thinks a kilobyte has 1000 bites. An IT guy thinks a kilometer has 1024 meters.

Things really don’t change as you get old.   I don’t care if you are at a preschool or a bar, if you pee your pants you get sent home.

I blamed my chamois for nibbling down the tops of my neighbours garlic when it was actually me doing it.

Talk about a scape goat

I went on a date with a chess player to an Italian restaurant  with checkered table cloths.
It took her about half an hour to pass the salt.

Helpful home cleaning tip:
Make your cat full of static electricity by rubbing her with a balloon and then use a laser pointer to have her go on all your dusty shelves and surfaces!

Why did Sean Connery take a roofing job?

For the hot shingles.

I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

When your foot falls asleep ..... shouldn’t that be called coma toes?

A man moves in an old apartment

He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.

He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.

The seller stops him. “Man, how many moths are you dealing with? I've been working here for so long and I've never seen an infestation requiring more than half a pound of mothballs!”

“Well,” replies the man. “I don’t have very good aim.”

Now that vehicles are driving themselves...
It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile!!"

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will NEVER, EVER SLAM THE DOORS AGAIN!"

Consider the average person you have met.   Now, consider this:  1/2 of the people are dumber than that person.

There are a number of inferences on this site about hard work keeping one young.  I find lying about my age works better.

I am not qualified to diagnose you...........

But i have some theories....

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm!

How do you know your math tutor is hungry?

He’ll work for pi.

I am typing this with an open bottle of bourbon in front of me, because my counselor told me it wasn’t good to keep things bottled up.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A Gummy Bear.

I dreamt I was a muffler last night,
woke up really exhausted this morning.

A second glance is all that’s needed for a book re-view.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, we dig, they dig.

It's not a long poem, but it's deep.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000.00, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme,
and others don't.

I accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I am experiencing constant vowel movements.
The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season. They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.

He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.

After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to get more creative. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls. Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"

With this the lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"