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jokes

 
John F Dean
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Does anyone else find it ironic that Xylophataquieopiaphobia is the fear of not pronouncing words correctly?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I decided to stop going to funerals.  I realized that none of those people are coming to mine.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I watched a PBS show on fishing yesterday. The cast was amazing.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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It’s 5:30 AM and I am so ticked off!  I can’t find my damned anger management book!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
K Eilander
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Greg Martin wrote:I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm at the hospital, waiting to be seen.



I spilled a bottle of spot remover on my dog.
He's gone.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Greg Martin
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A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.
The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%.
He still feels nothing.
They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.
The man still feels nothing so they head home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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The first thing I'm doing when we invent a time machine is to go back and meet the person who invented zero.
I want to say "Thanks for nothing!"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Dennis Barrow
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I dusted my house once...

It came back.

I am not falling for that again!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Everyone teased the snowman about his pointy nose,

Fortunately, he didn't carrot all.


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use - I've forgotten my name again!

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Jay Angler
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Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?

A: A receding hare line.


Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

A: Owlgebra.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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Which elf sings "Love me tender?" Santa's little Elvis!


As the winter snow turned into rain, Frosty began to realize that fame was sleeting.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Dennis Barrow
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart things I say and do.

Then there are the times when I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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When I say I went to therapy, I mean I drank a margarita in the bathtub.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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A limbo champ walks into a bar.
He loses.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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After a lot of hard work I’ve finally made the limbo team.
I had to bend over backwards to get in.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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John F Dean
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Are we staying up to bring in 22 or to make sure 21 leaves?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Greg Martin
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Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts...
They believe it is Pharaoh Rocher.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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Why is Yoda such a good gardner?
Green thumbs, he has!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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I once knew a very wise herb gardner.
He was known for his sage advice.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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John F Dean
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There was a kidnapping in my community yesterday, but he woke up.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Our local police station was broken into and all the toilets were stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I was almost attacked by a skeleton, but he didn’t have the guts.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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I found $20 in a parking lot and
thought to myself,  
What Would Jesus Do?
So, I turned it into wine.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I hate my mood swings. They’re great!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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An older lady went to her Dr. because her husband was unable to have sex.  The Dr suggested Viagra. She said that was impossible, her husband would not even take aspirin. So, the Dr suggested that she slip it in his coffee. She agreed that might work, and a follow up appointment was set.  A week later she returned to her Dr.  She told the Dr it was the most horrible experience she ever had.  

Perplexed, the Dr. asked her to explain what had happened. Well, she put the pill in his coffee at breakfast. The results were immediate. There was a bulge  in his pants, he knocked the biscuits and gravy off the table, tossed her on the table, and proceeded to have sex with her.

The Dr agreed that was a little extreme, but she had asked to help with his condition.

She responded, “ I did. And the pill worked. But I will never be able to show my face in Bob Evans again!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I have a great construction joke I want to post, but I am still working on it.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Philip Lister
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Did anyone hear about the anarchist that died in the abandoned toilets?  He was crushed by the cistern.
 
John F Dean
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I got one of those irritating telephone calls today. Some guy was trying to sell me a coffin.  I told him that was the last thing I would need.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I was walking down my lane and a headless guy passed me on a bicycle.  I switched my scythe to the other shoulder.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Greg Martin
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A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
Both crews were marooned.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Never marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Dennis Barrow
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I'd like to take you out for a coffee.

You spelled Tequila wrong.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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You know your year started bad when your playful request "pull my finger",
was immediately followed by a panicked shriek "Oh my God, get a towel!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One.
It's a trick question.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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John F Dean
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A man walks into the doctors  office and says, “I can see into the future.”  The doctor nods and asks, “For how long have you been able to do this?” The man replies, “Since next Friday.”

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
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Two blood vessels fell in love but alas, it was all in vein.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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