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jokes

 
master steward
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Does anyone else find it ironic that Xylophataquieopiaphobia is the fear of not pronouncing words correctly?
 
John F Dean
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I decided to stop going to funerals.  I realized that none of those people are coming to mine.
 
John F Dean
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I watched a PBS show on fishing yesterday. The cast was amazing.
 
John F Dean
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It’s 5:30 AM and I am so ticked off!  I can’t find my damned anger management book!
 
gardener
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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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Greg Martin wrote:I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm at the hospital, waiting to be seen.



I spilled a bottle of spot remover on my dog.
He's gone.
 
steward
Posts: 3503
Location: Maine, zone 5
2085
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A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.
The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%.
He still feels nothing.
They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.
The man still feels nothing so they head home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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The first thing I'm doing when we invent a time machine is to go back and meet the person who invented zero.
I want to say "Thanks for nothing!"
 
pollinator
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I dusted my house once...

It came back.

I am not falling for that again!
 
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Everyone teased the snowman about his pointy nose,

Fortunately, he didn't carrot all.


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use - I've forgotten my name again!
 
Jay Angler
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Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?

A: A receding hare line.


Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

A: Owlgebra.
 
Jay Angler
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Which elf sings "Love me tender?" Santa's little Elvis!


As the winter snow turned into rain, Frosty began to realize that fame was sleeting.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart things I say and do.

Then there are the times when I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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When I say I went to therapy, I mean I drank a margarita in the bathtub.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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2085
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A limbo champ walks into a bar.
He loses.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
 
Greg Martin
steward
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After a lot of hard work I’ve finally made the limbo team.
I had to bend over backwards to get in.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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Are we staying up to bring in 22 or to make sure 21 leaves?
 
Greg Martin
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Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts...
They believe it is Pharaoh Rocher.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
 
Greg Martin
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Why is Yoda such a good gardner?
Green thumbs, he has!
 
Greg Martin
steward
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I once knew a very wise herb gardner.
He was known for his sage advice.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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There was a kidnapping in my community yesterday, but he woke up.
 
John F Dean
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Our local police station was broken into and all the toilets were stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I was almost attacked by a skeleton, but he didn’t have the guts.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I found $20 in a parking lot and
thought to myself,  
What Would Jesus Do?
So, I turned it into wine.
 
John F Dean
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I hate my mood swings. They’re great!
 
John F Dean
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An older lady went to her Dr. because her husband was unable to have sex.  The Dr suggested Viagra. She said that was impossible, her husband would not even take aspirin. So, the Dr suggested that she slip it in his coffee. She agreed that might work, and a follow up appointment was set.  A week later she returned to her Dr.  She told the Dr it was the most horrible experience she ever had.  

Perplexed, the Dr. asked her to explain what had happened. Well, she put the pill in his coffee at breakfast. The results were immediate. There was a bulge  in his pants, he knocked the biscuits and gravy off the table, tossed her on the table, and proceeded to have sex with her.

The Dr agreed that was a little extreme, but she had asked to help with his condition.

She responded, “ I did. And the pill worked. But I will never be able to show my face in Bob Evans again!
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I have a great construction joke I want to post, but I am still working on it.
 
Posts: 17
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Did anyone hear about the anarchist that died in the abandoned toilets?  He was crushed by the cistern.
 
John F Dean
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I got one of those irritating telephone calls today. Some guy was trying to sell me a coffin.  I told him that was the last thing I would need.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I was walking down my lane and a headless guy passed me on a bicycle.  I switched my scythe to the other shoulder.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3503
Location: Maine, zone 5
2085
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A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
Both crews were marooned.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Never marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I'd like to take you out for a coffee.

You spelled Tequila wrong.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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You know your year started bad when your playful request "pull my finger",
was immediately followed by a panicked shriek "Oh my God, get a towel!"
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
2085
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Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3503
Location: Maine, zone 5
2085
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How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One.
It's a trick question.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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A man walks into the doctors  office and says, “I can see into the future.”  The doctor nods as asks, “For how long have you been able to do this?” The man replies, “Since next Friday.”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Two blood vessels fell in love but alas, it was all in vein.
 
pie. tiny ad:
The new permaculture playing cards kickstarter is now live!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards
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