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jokes

 
Mike Haasl
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I went to see my doctor yesterday.  He said I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked "Why"?  He said "Because I'm trying to examine you".

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Dennis Barrow
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My hunting spot this year was so dang secret, even the deer couldn't find it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Mike Haasl
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Lance isn't a very common name these days but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Jay Angler
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Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter?

Her name is Mary Christmas.

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Jay Angler
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Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

– I only managed to get 10% off

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Dennis Barrow
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Just because I can't sing doesn't mean I won't.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Mike Haasl
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Why don't boxers have sex the night before a big fight?  They just don't really like each other.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
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I asked my North Korean friend how it is over there.  He said "I can't complain".

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Dennis Barrow
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It is so cold.......

I saw chickens lined up at KFC waiting for their turn in the deep fryer.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I'm a clairvoyant, and I just had a frightening vision!

In 2030 giant mosquito's will attack New York City, Chicago and Los Angeles.

Don't worry, it all gets resolved.

They just send in the Swat Team.....

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Did you hear the meteorologist who invented the "wind chill factor" passed away last week?

He was 86. But he felt like he was only 65.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
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I notice there is a thread on Chandeliers at Wheaton Labs. I can’t understand why.   Even if  Paul gets some, no one will know how to play the darned things.  What WL really needs are some decent lights.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
paul wheaton
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A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to this address please?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

The lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

 
Jay Angler
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They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated. Every year they drop the ball.

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Jay Angler
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Why should you stand on one leg on New Year's Eve?

To start the new year on the right foot.

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Jay Angler
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What's a cows favorite holiday?

Moo Year's Eve

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John F Dean
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I was reading up on the Taxi business in the United States. It has had a pretty checkered past.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
Mike Barkley
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An Amish woman & her child were riding in their buggy along the road when a policeman stopped them. He said “I'm not going to give you a ticket but I wanted to inform you that your reflective triangle is missing.” She thanked the officer & said she was almost home & would have her husband replace it. Then he said “By the way, one of your reins is wrapped around the horse's testicles.” She thanked him again & said her husband would fix that too.

When she arrived home she told her husband about the missing triangle. He had an extra in the barn & went to get it. “Oh, the officer also said there's something wrong with the emergency brake.”

Argue for your limitations and they are yours forever.

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city?

He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.

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Jay Angler
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Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: “Noah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”
Rather worried, Noah said “But my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

“No, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

“Then why another ark?” Asked Noah.

“I wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded “Okay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

“But not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied “Uh- okay my Lord.”

“One more thing.” The Lord said unto him “it needs to have multiple levels.”

“Are you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: “I want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

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Dennis Barrow
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I used to just crastinate,
but I got so good I went Pro.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Greg.”
I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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People:  How much faith do you have in the human race?

Me:  I look both ways at a roundabout.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?

Using the mildewey decimal system!

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Jay Angler
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I met this guy who thought he was Poseidon and he was gonna cause a flood.

I think he was just deluge-ional.

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Jay Angler
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Some farmers I know have switched to raising ducks instead of chickens, because during catastrophic floods, ducks float.

Sounds like they're a bunch of quacks to me.

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Dennis Barrow
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I bet jellyfish are sad there are no peanut butter fish.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My emotional support animal is a chicken.

Four piece with biscuits.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I can't even imagine the self control required to work in a bubble wrap factory.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

<looks around shiftily> pop pop POP POP POP!!

 
K Eilander
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She said I should be more spontaneous...
   so I combusted.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
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My boyfriend told me he had the body of a Greek God.
    I had to explain to him the Buddha is not Greek.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Cowboys would hand a lantern on their saddles at night so they could find the trail when they were far from home.

This was early Saddle Light Navigation.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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2018:  Didn't jog
2019:  Didn't jog
2020:  Didn't jog
2021:  Didn't jog
2022:  Didn't jog
2023:  Still haven't jogged

This is a running joke

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
Can't say that I have.
That's because it hasn't come out yet.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

No, what happened?

It's ok. he woke up.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Be careful if you go swimming in Philosophy Lake.

It's deep.

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Dennis Barrow
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You know you're getting old when your bank sends you their free calendar 1 month at a time.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
It's a pleasure to see superheros taking such an interest in science. And this tiny ad:
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