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jokes

Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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You know I love water jokes.

Wastewater jokes aren’t my absolute favorite, but they’re a solid #2.

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Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assured them that the pilots would be there soon.

Finally, two men dressed in pilot uniforms walked up the aisle. Both wore dark glasses, one was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin but the men entered the cockpit, closed the door, and started up the engines.

The passengers glanced nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As people see the water approaching, panicked screams filled the cabin, but at that moment the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.

In the cockpit, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die!”

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John F Dean

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posted 3 years ago

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I took my wife to the doctor yesterday. On the way home I realized that we are at the point in our lives where that counts as going out. Our next date will be next week when we visit the cemetery.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

John F Dean

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posted 3 years ago

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You know, I do enjoy the various pictures members post of their pets and farm animals. But, if you really want to add to my enjoyment, post a picture of the front and back of your credit cards.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Dennis Barrow

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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In Athens, no one wakes up before noon.

Dawn is tough on Greece.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

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posted 3 years ago

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I recently bought a toilet brush.....

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

John F Dean

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posted 3 years ago

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What do you get when you combine Olive Oil, Sweet Peas, and Spinach? … Popeye!

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

John F Dean

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posted 3 years ago

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I asked my minister to pray for my hearing; he dropped by this morning and asked me how my hearing was doing. I told him the hearing was scheduled for next week.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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I finally got around to trying some essential oils ....worst French Fries I ever had!

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Dennis Barrow

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posted 3 years ago

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Realized I had to use the bathroom.

Got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

Couldn't remember why I was in the pantry.

Remembered I had to use the bathroom.

Walked across the house to the bathroom.

Sitting on the throne, I remembered why I went to the pantry......

Toilet paper.....

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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I have heard that socks lost in the wash are reincarnated as Tupperware lids that don’t fit any container.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Greg Martin

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Posts: 3504

Location: Maine, zone 5

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posted 3 years ago

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Have you heard about the man who evaporated?

He will be mist.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Dennis Barrow

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posted 3 years ago

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I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures ...........

It's my face.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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You know, I really went into too much debt. Anyway, I was at a bar late last night figuring out how to get through the bills and the heat. It didn’t do much good, so I had the good sense to leave. As I walked to my car a woman appeared out of the mist. She was certainly the ugliest thing I have ever seen. She asked if I was having problems; I told her I certainly was. She asked if it was about money, and I confessed it was. She told me that she was a witch, and she could make my bills go away and my bank account full if I would spend the night with her. I figured it was worth a try, grabbed some pills, and headed to the motel with her. When I woke up, she was heading out the door. She turned and asked he how old I was. When I told her, she asked if I wasn’t a little too old to believe in witches.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Pearl Sutton

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posted 3 years ago

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"We were so poor I was born at home. After my mother saw me she went to the hospital!" --Fozzie Bear

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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Pearl Sutton

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posted 3 years ago

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"What has a thousand legs but can not walk?

500 pairs of pants!" -- Fozzie Bear

Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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The police arrested a water bottle. It was wanted in three different states.

Liquid, solid, and gas.

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Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?

Hare spray.

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Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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You all know the chemical formula for water, H2O.
What is H2O2? Hydrogen peroxide, which is not very stable, but is highly reactive.
What is H2O3? It doesn’t exist. The electronic structures around hydrogen and oxygen don’t allow this molecule to form and be stable.
So what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, swimming, etc...

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Dennis Barrow

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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What do you call two guys above a window?

Kurt and Rod.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Eric Thomas

pollinator

Posts: 189

Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7

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posted 3 years ago

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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

“You meet your destiny on the road you take to avoid it.”
~ Carl Jung

Dennis Barrow

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this Whiskey?"

Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandpa....

Until my Mom hid the urn from me.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says.

Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

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John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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I am old enough to remember when panic buying was when the bartender said “ last call”.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Robert Ray

gardener

Posts: 3366

Location: Cascades of Oregon

866

posted 3 years ago

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My brother and I went fishing the other day at a local lake. We rented a boat and were killing it one fish after another. My brother takes a piece of chalk out of his pocket and puts a big x on the bottom of the boat. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm marking this spot so we can come back". I replied" What?, how do you know we're going to get the same boat?"

Our inability to change everything should not stop us from changing what we can.

Jay Angler

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Why did bacteria cross the microscope?

To get to other slide.

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Jay Angler

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A man goes to a store and asks for dog food. The store clerk looks at him suspiciously and says, “We’ve had reports that people have been misusing dog food; giving it to their kids, and what-not. You’re going to have to prove you actually have a dog.”

The man comes back later and brings his dog. The clerk lets him buy the dog food.

Later on the man tries to buy cat food. Again he is told he has to prove he has a cat. He brings the cat in and the clerk sells him the cat food.

A few days later the man comes in with a paper bag and approaches the store clerk, “Feel what’s in this bag.”

The clerk does, then jumps back and looks at his hand. “This smell’s like crap!”

The man says, “It is. I need to buy some toilet paper.”

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John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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I woke up real early this morning. So, on a whim, I decided to go fishing. I found my rods ok, but not my tackle box, so I stopped by a shop by the lake and bought some live bait. When I sat on the dock and opened the can of worms ...you know...it wasn’t the big deal everyone makes it out to be.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 915

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

524

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I once dated a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was simple, Allison painter her nails red and Bob had a beard.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 915

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

524

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posted 3 years ago

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Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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I think a goose is a great pet. You get all the excitement of stepping in poop without having to go golfing.

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Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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A fisherman had two sons, Towards and Away. He told his wife that it was time for his sons to learn to be real fishermen, by going out for the big fish far off shore. A few days later the fisherman came home, wet, battered, and bruised. His sons were not with him. He told his wife,

“My dear, I’m so sad. Our son Towards was pulling in a nice fish when another fish came up and snatched it, gobbling up Towards at the same time!”

“Oh no!” The wife said. “That must have been one huge, terrible fish!”

“Yes!” Said the fisherman. “But you should have seen the one that got Away!”

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K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

316

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Yesterday DW came home and said she got buckwheat noodles for 50 cents. I said, "Wow! Half price!"

Similar, the old classic:
Q. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A. Buck-an-ear

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

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Carla Burke

Rusticator

Posts: 9315

Location: Missouri Ozarks

5040

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posted 3 years ago

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290391115_10228957119376683_4136025176846015496_n.jpg

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Carla Burke

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In the old west, they would mount their lantern on their horse for traveling at night.

It was the first form of saddle light navigation.

(Don't hurt me)

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 7746

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I got a new dehydrator. The instructions were cut and dry.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 15572

Location: SW Missouri

11342

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An optimist and a pessimist spend a week together on a tropical island.
"Isn't the ocean amazing?" the optimist said. "The endless horizon, the crashing waves, the soft sand.... It makes you appreciate the beauty of our planet!"
The pessimist replied "I don't think that rescue plane saw us."

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