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jokes

 
pollinator
Posts: 520
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
 
gardener
Posts: 340
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
180
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An adult kangaroo is just a kangaroo.
A child kangaroo is a "joey".
In between is a routine. (roo-teen)
 
steward
Posts: 13424
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
3854
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Who's this Rorschach guy and why did he do so many paintings of my mom being disappointed in me?
 
author & steward
Posts: 3550
Location: Southeastern U.S. - Zone 7b
1918
3
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duck-eggs.jpg
:)
:)
 
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
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As soon as space travel is practical I'm moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy.

I'm galactose intolerant.
 
pollinator
Posts: 181
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
50
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A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!".......
 
pollinator
Posts: 533
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a/4b)
145
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A little girl was walking home from school, tripped, and fell right into a large mud puddle. A little boy nearby came over and helped her to her feet.

Boy "Are you ok?"
Girl "Yes"
Boy "You're pretty dirty!"
Girl "I'm pretty when I'm clean too!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 520
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
340
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A genie granted me one wish.
I said I just wanted to be happy.
Now I am living in a cottage with 6 dwarves working in a mine.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
1645
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water. Therefore the Earth IS flat!

(Best defense for this that I've seen yet)
 
master gardener
Posts: 4638
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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My wife pressured me into attending a Yoga class with her with the agreement that I master at least one position.   I had no problem achieving the Down Hill Spiral.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Why do forks have 4 tines?
Because if it had one less it would be a threek.

Update:  This joke, apparently, has been taken to the extreme!

Which side of the plate do you put the twok on?
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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I gave my friend an apple.
He said he preferred pears so I gave him another apple.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
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I went to the drive thru and ordered 2 large fries.
They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.
 
master gardener
Posts: 7853
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
3751
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…


He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”


So they did.


Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 7853
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 520
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
340
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An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
Eric Thomas
pollinator
Posts: 181
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
50
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When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal. “Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.”

Nobody dared to move, but suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone. The owner announced, “We have a brave winner.”

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, and upon arrival, the manager told him “he was very brave to jump” the man replied, “I didn't jump, someone pushed me!”

His wife smiled...

Moral of the story — Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I remember when my Mom's meatloaf was called dinner, not comfort food.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
340
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A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other on a plane.

After the plan took off drink orders were taken.

The Irishman ordered whiskey, which he was immediately served.
The stewardess asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

The Irishman handed his drink back to the stewardess and said, "Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 4638
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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I got pretty shook up this morning. When I got up I used the toilet, and the liquid was red.  I called my doctor, he said, “Urine danger.”
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Well, I went outside to care of the bees. I got stung and my hand began to swell badly.  I called the doctor. He told me to come in and he would put something on it.  I told him he was being silly, I would never be able to find that bee again much less get it to a doctor.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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My wife just asked me if I have seen the dog bowl.   I am more than a little amazed.  We have had him for 10 years, and I never realized he could do that.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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Without success, I tried to teach my dog how to dance. Then I realized it has two left feet.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 7853
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
3751
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How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five! Six! Seven! Eight!
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Why is the Irish dancing show named 'Streamdance' not as great as 'Riverdance?'

It is just a tributary act.
 
master gardener
Posts: 5352
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.
298799869_633039588158764_5111877401599809530_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 298799869_633039588158764_5111877401599809530_n.jpg]
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 4638
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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I was out in the woods working on my firewood and realized that at any given moment the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” was just a whim away.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
1645
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Did you know that nobody in Dubai likes The Flintstones?

But the people of nearby Abu Dhabi do!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 4638
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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I have a new neighbor who was bragging that if he threw a stick even a mile away his dog would run after it an bring it back.   I am thinking that is pretty far fetched.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 520
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
340
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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee..........

Take the spoon out of the cup.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 4638
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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Ever drive by a field with sleeping horses in it and realize it’s pasture bedtime?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 4638
Location: southern Illinois, USA
1497
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I understand the creator of Auto-Correct died.  The funnel will be held tomato.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
1645
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I met a microbiologist today.

She was bigger than I thought she'd be!
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,

While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

-the Opportunist
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3076
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It's believed that no two people experience a color exactly the same way....it's a pigment of your imagination.
 
Eric Thomas
pollinator
Posts: 181
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
50
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I only seem to get sick on weekdays.

I must have a 'weekend' immune system

 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 7853
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
3751
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 NA
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under a sustained enemy attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ.

"NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH! he says.

"NaCl over NaOH?" shouts the officer. "What do you mean?"

"The base is under a salt!" The chemist replied.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 520
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Pulled a nose hair out today to see if it would hurt.......

Judging by the reaction of the man next to me asleep on the bus, it seems pretty painful.
 
I agree. Here's the link: http://richsoil.com/cards
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