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jokes

 
pollinator
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AC/DC has apologized,
but due to inflation,
dirty deeds are no longer dirt cheap.
 
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master gardener
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Why do Hamburgers go to the gym?

To get better buns.
 
Jay Angler
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How did the skeleton survive the accident?

He made a marrow escape.
 
Jay Angler
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A man name Rudolf is a communist; some people just call him “The Red.” He’s sitting at breakfast with his wife one day and looking out the window says, “It looks like it’s raining out there.”

His wife responds, “No, it’s pretty cold out today. I think that’s snow.”

The man looks sternly at his wife and says, “Don’t contradict me. Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

sorry, I couldn't resist...
 
steward
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"Inflation's really getting out of control"

Sorry that's just my 4 cents
 
Mike Haasl
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint
 
steward
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So the painters finish painting my home and they hand me the bill.

I notice that by the paint it says $0.

I say, “You guys did such a good job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”
 
Greg Martin
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One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away.

He’s a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other.

Then, a few days later, a package arrives.

It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting.

He has no idea what to do with them.

After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser.

Not too long later the appraiser calls him: “I’ve finished my analysis, and I’ve got some good news. There’s no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius.”

The man is ecstatic: “I can sell these for millions!”

The appraiser says “Well, you can sell them, and they’ll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn’t much of a painter… and Van Gogh made lousy violins.”
 
pollinator
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A fellow who sees a sign outside a house that reads: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

The fellow walks up to a dog sitting on the front porch, and the dog says, “May I help you mister?”

“You really can talk!” says the man. “You’re amazing!”

“My life has been amazing,” says the dog. “My talking skills helped me communicate with human authorities and other dogs to save avalanche victims in the Alps, as well as earthquake and hurricane victims all over the world. Now semi-retired, I spend my days telling jokes at the local children’s hospital.”

The fellow, flabbergasted, asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to sell an incredible dog like this?”

“Because he’s a compulsive liar!” said the dog’s owner. “He’s never left the yard!”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way and I think to myself....

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
 
Dennis Barrow
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A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled: "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room calls out: "You're gonna need more ammo!!"
 
gardener
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Dennis Barrow wrote:AC/DC has apologized,
but due to inflation,
dirty deeds are no longer dirt cheap.



That's too bad.  Guess I'll have to muck out the chicken coop myself. ;)
 
Greg Martin
steward
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My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
 
Greg Martin
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(I apologize in advance for this one)

I told Siri that my dog just died and asked her if she would tell me a joke to cheer me up.  She said "yes" and then "Knock, knock".
"Who's there" I replied.
"Not your dog" said Siri.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.
 
Jay Angler
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Sure you’re just sledding now

– But sledding is a gateway to other things.
Soon you’ll be tobogganing.
And snow-tubing.
And snowboarding.
And skiing.

It’s a slippery slope.
 
Jay Angler
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Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?

Axel Froze.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A wise person once said.
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize
that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend
of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences,
but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent
study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I am right 98% of the time.

Who cares about the other 3%.
 
master gardener
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You know, it seems like my wife and I have been together forever; but sometimes she is really irritating.  The weather has been pretty raw around here, so I made a point of having a roaring fire going when she got home. Immediately, the complaining began …. Something about us not having a fireplace.
 
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Jay Angler wrote:
"The base is under a salt!" The chemist replied.



Did you know why all the Chemists were voting for Ron Paul years back?

Because, they are always saying, Elect-Ron! Electron!
 
John F Dean
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I had to give up my first career early due to fallen arches. Anyway, once I quit the architecture firm I went into business.
 
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Everyone knows that six is afraid of seven because seven eight nine.

Turns out seven was just that hungry, despite an earlier offer of pi.

(Which he refused even though he knew it was irrational).
 
Greg Martin
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What is Santa's nationality?

North Polish.
 
Mike Haasl
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Dark humor is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.
 
Dennis Barrow
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After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
 
pollinator
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Engagement Ring - a tourniquet applied to the left ring finger to stop circulation.
 
Mike Haasl
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I was incredibly surprised when the stationary store moved
 
Matt McSpadden
pollinator
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"It's ok to use bad English... as long as you know that you are using it" - Walter Yoho
 
K Eilander
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Dennis Barrow wrote:Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.



Reminds me of the old demotivational poster, "Teamwork:  Because none of us is as dumb as all of us."
 
Dennis Barrow
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Never make snow angels at a dog park.
 
Carla Burke
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305967289_10223524812803306_8766470681300994284_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 305967289_10223524812803306_8766470681300994284_n.jpg]
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Friends are like snow

– When you pee on them, they disappear.


What separates snowmen from snow-women?

– Snow Balls

 
John F Dean
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Here is a tip that might save your life.  A shark will only attack if you are wet.
 
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Switching from electric heat to a rocket mass heater reduces your carbon footprint as much as parking 7 cars
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