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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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AC/DC has apologized,
but due to inflation,
dirty deeds are no longer dirt cheap.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
master gardener
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The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance.~Ben Franklin Better Wood Heat: DIY Rocket Mass Heaters 4-DVD Set as tiny download: https://permies.com/jforum?module=paidTopic&action=buyWithPaypal&topic_id=63926&f=232

 
Jay Angler
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Why do Hamburgers go to the gym?

To get better buns.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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How did the skeleton survive the accident?

He made a marrow escape.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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A man name Rudolf is a communist; some people just call him “The Red.” He’s sitting at breakfast with his wife one day and looking out the window says, “It looks like it’s raining out there.”

His wife responds, “No, it’s pretty cold out today. I think that’s snow.”

The man looks sternly at his wife and says, “Don’t contradict me. Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

sorry, I couldn't resist...

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Mike Haasl
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"Inflation's really getting out of control"

Sorry that's just my 4 cents

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
Discount early bird ticket to the 2023 Permaculture Technology Jamboree

 
Mike Haasl
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
Discount early bird ticket to the 2023 Permaculture Technology Jamboree

 
Greg Martin
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So the painters finish painting my home and they hand me the bill.

I notice that by the paint it says $0.

I say, “You guys did such a good job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away.

He’s a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other.

Then, a few days later, a package arrives.

It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting.

He has no idea what to do with them.

After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser.

Not too long later the appraiser calls him: “I’ve finished my analysis, and I’ve got some good news. There’s no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius.”

The man is ecstatic: “I can sell these for millions!”

The appraiser says “Well, you can sell them, and they’ll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn’t much of a painter… and Van Gogh made lousy violins.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Eric Thomas
pollinator
Posts: 182
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
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A fellow who sees a sign outside a house that reads: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

The fellow walks up to a dog sitting on the front porch, and the dog says, “May I help you mister?”

“You really can talk!” says the man. “You’re amazing!”

“My life has been amazing,” says the dog. “My talking skills helped me communicate with human authorities and other dogs to save avalanche victims in the Alps, as well as earthquake and hurricane victims all over the world. Now semi-retired, I spend my days telling jokes at the local children’s hospital.”

The fellow, flabbergasted, asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to sell an incredible dog like this?”

“Because he’s a compulsive liar!” said the dog’s owner. “He’s never left the yard!”

“You meet your destiny on the road you take to avoid it.”
~ Carl Jung

 
Dennis Barrow
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As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way and I think to myself....

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled: "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room calls out: "You're gonna need more ammo!!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Dennis Barrow wrote:AC/DC has apologized,
but due to inflation,
dirty deeds are no longer dirt cheap.



That's too bad.  Guess I'll have to muck out the chicken coop myself. ;)

If you don't "know enough"... try anyway! (Cuz that's how you learn.)

 
Greg Martin
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My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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(I apologize in advance for this one)

I told Siri that my dog just died and asked her if she would tell me a joke to cheer me up.  She said "yes" and then "Knock, knock".
"Who's there" I replied.
"Not your dog" said Siri.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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3972
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What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Sure you’re just sledding now

– But sledding is a gateway to other things.
Soon you’ll be tobogganing.
And snow-tubing.
And snowboarding.
And skiing.

It’s a slippery slope.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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3972
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Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?

Axel Froze.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A wise person once said.
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize
that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend
of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences,
but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent
study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I am right 98% of the time.

Who cares about the other 3%.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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You know, it seems like my wife and I have been together forever; but sometimes she is really irritating.  The weather has been pretty raw around here, so I made a point of having a roaring fire going when she got home. Immediately, the complaining began …. Something about us not having a fireplace.

We live on Blue Planet that circles a ball of fire. Our Planet is circled by a Golden Moon that moves its oceans. Now tell me that you don’t believe in miracles....Unknown

 
Luke Bryan
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Jay Angler wrote:
"The base is under a salt!" The chemist replied.



Did you know why all the Chemists were voting for Ron Paul years back?

Because, they are always saying, Elect-Ron! Electron!
 
John F Dean
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I had to give up my first career early due to fallen arches. Anyway, once I quit the architecture firm I went into business.

We live on Blue Planet that circles a ball of fire. Our Planet is circled by a Golden Moon that moves its oceans. Now tell me that you don’t believe in miracles....Unknown

 
R Sumner
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Everyone knows that six is afraid of seven because seven eight nine.

Turns out seven was just that hungry, despite an earlier offer of pi.

(Which he refused even though he knew it was irrational).
 
Greg Martin
steward
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What is Santa's nationality?

North Polish.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Mike Haasl
steward
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Dark humor is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
Discount early bird ticket to the 2023 Permaculture Technology Jamboree

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Matt McSpadden
pollinator
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Engagement Ring - a tourniquet applied to the left ring finger to stop circulation.

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is." C.S. Lewis
"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis

 
Mike Haasl
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I was incredibly surprised when the stationary store moved

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
Discount early bird ticket to the 2023 Permaculture Technology Jamboree

 
Matt McSpadden
pollinator
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"It's ok to use bad English... as long as you know that you are using it" - Walter Yoho

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is." C.S. Lewis
"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis

 
K Eilander
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Dennis Barrow wrote:Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.



Reminds me of the old demotivational poster, "Teamwork:  Because none of us is as dumb as all of us."

If you don't "know enough"... try anyway! (Cuz that's how you learn.)

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Never make snow angels at a dog park.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
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.
305967289_10223524812803306_8766470681300994284_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 305967289_10223524812803306_8766470681300994284_n.jpg]

The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance.~Ben Franklin Better Wood Heat: DIY Rocket Mass Heaters 4-DVD Set as tiny download: https://permies.com/jforum?module=paidTopic&action=buyWithPaypal&topic_id=63926&f=232

 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Friends are like snow

– When you pee on them, they disappear.


What separates snowmen from snow-women?

– Snow Balls

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Here is a tip that might save your life.  A shark will only attack if you are wet.

We live on Blue Planet that circles a ball of fire. Our Planet is circled by a Golden Moon that moves its oceans. Now tell me that you don’t believe in miracles....Unknown

 
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