jokes

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday....the rest are weekdays.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?  

Snowballs.

So a guy rushes into a bar...
And says to the bartender
"Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!"
The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another.
The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!"
The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "You would drink these fast too, if you had what I have!"
Confused, the bartender asks "Why? What do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars!"

Did you know elephants have their sex organs on their feet?

Cause if one steps on you, you are f...ed!

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?
Beer.

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway.

Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

Do you know who is to blame for the fact that there are only poptarts, and no momtarts?

 Yup - its the pastryarchy!

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me... Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the City Center mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you really like it."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 Models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: '"How much?"
WOMAN: "$98,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $980,000."
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go up an extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!"
MAN: “You’re worth it, honey. Bye!"
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"

A truck carrying a load of toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.

Police are combing the area.

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

Really? What's he doing now?

Assembling his cabinet.

I'd love to take you out for a coffee this week.

You spelled wine wrong.

Did you know God was into recycling?

Yep, he made man from the dust of the earth.

The man that invented the ferris wheel never met the man that invented the merry-go-round.

They traveled in different circles.

An apple a day is bull crap.

Just look at Snow White, Eve or any pig at a luau.

I don't always listen to John Cage, but when I do, neither do my neighbours.

The train conductor came in the rail car and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 40$ because she was wearing a small skirt and he could see most of her leg.

He then came up to the lady in the 2nd seat. She too didn't have a ticket. He fined her only 10$ as she was wearing an even smaller skirt and he could see almost her entire leg.

He went up to the 3rd seat. Same story, the lady sitting here didn't have a ticket but this time he fined get just 5$ because she was in a bikini and he could see almost everything.

When he got to the lady in the last seat, he didn't fine her anything at all.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's because she had a ticket, you perverts.

:D

A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.
A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”  The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did you… did you just talk?” the farmer asked, simultaneously feeling stupid for even considering it.

“Yes. I can talk,” the little hen said.

“That’s amazing!” the farmer exclaimed.

“I want to ask you a favor” the hen continued.

The farmer shrugged and sat down. “What is it?”

“Well, for a while now I’ve had a story in my head. And I’d like to write a book.”

The farmer considered this. “So you can talk and write?” he asked. “What would you need?”

“Just a typewriter. I can hunt and peck well enough to write for myself.”

The farmer thought it was a pretty crazy idea, setting up a chicken to write a story, but he happened to have an old typewriter that he never used anyway just sitting at the house. So he built a small area for the hen to work with a lamp and the typewriter, and the chicken went to work.

Not long after the chicken approached the farmer in the yard. “I’m done,” she said.

“With your whole story?” the farmer asked.

“Yes. Will you read it?”

The farmer wasn’t much of a reader, but he agreed to read the story. As the rooster crowed the next morning the farmer finished the last page, set down the manuscript, and wept. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever read.

“You have to let me publish this story for you,” the farmer told the hen the next day.

“I don’t mind,” the chicken said. “But perhaps we should publish it under your name. I don’t want to be a spectacle.” They agreed and the farmer mailed the manuscript to several editors. Mere days later he received a phone call. The editor insisted on flying the farmer to New York City to meet him.

“I’ve got to publish this story,” the editor said. “It’s the most amazing thing I’ve read in all my years doing this job.”

The farmer shrugged. “Fine by me,” he said.

“But tell me,” the editor said, sitting forward, “how it is that a man like yourself, late in life, just suddenly writes something so beautiful? How have you hidden yourself for so long?”

The farmer chewed on his cheek for a moment. Then he leaned in, and speaking in a whisper said, “Can I tell you a secret?”

Of course the editor said yes, and the farmer told him of the chicken who could talk, read, and write. The chicken who had written the story.

“That’s preposterous,” the editor said. “Can you prove it?”

The farm said that he could, so the editor put him back on an airplane and the farmer returned with the chicken.

“This farmer says you can talk,” the editor said to the young hen.

“Yes, that’s true,” the hen replied. The editor’s eyes bulged and he nearly fainted.

“Well… well....” he gasped, “if you can talk, did you actually write this story?”

“Yes, I did.”

The editor stood up and paced behind his desk. “We’re playing this all wrong,” he said. “The world must know who wrote this. The world must know that a little chicken wrote perhaps the greatest novel of all time!”

The farmer and his chicken looked at each other.

“Please. Please let me tell the world who the author really is,” he begged, leaning across the desk, his eyes pleading.

“Well, I’m ok with it if you are,” the farmer said to the hen.

“Oh, all right,” the hen agreed.

“Fantastic!” the editor exclaimed. “There’s no doubt in my mind people will be amazed! It’ll be a pullet-surprise!”

A college student had just moved into their new apartment. They went to the furniture store down the street and said "I'm looking for a good deal on a couch, nothing too fancy, just clean and comfortable". The salesperson says "Well you've come to the right place! Let's start with this beauty over here. It can fit up to 5 adults no problems" The student's face dropped and asked "Where am I going to find 5 adults with no problems?"

Why don't koalas count as bears?

They don't have the right koalafications.

I saw a movie about how ships are put together.

It was riveting.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."

A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The psychiatrist asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the psychiatrist.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

A chicken was staring angrily at the road...
why did the road cross the chicken?

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs €2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs €2.15
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs €2.40

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

(sorry)

What is a fart?

A turd screaming to get out.

Our friends are having a housewarming party, so I asked John to pick up a nice housewarming gift...

He brought home a space heater.

God creating animals:

God:   You're a cow

Cow:    Ok

God:     Your baby is a calf

Cow:     Ask me why I am tired after giving birth

God:     W-what?

Cow:     Ask me why I am tired after giving birth

God:      Why are you tired after giving birth?

Cow:     I'm decalfeinated.

God:      

Cow:     Someone's laughtose intolerant

What did Peter Pan eat on his birthday?

A pan-cake!

Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.

"Well, give me an apple quick! I've just broken the doctor's window with a baseball!"

This

When I was a kid I used to love to zap my siblings with static electricity.  ....then my mother grounded me.

Ok, let’s try another dry one .....


Sleep!!!


....yea, I know ....I don’t get it either

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 and tells them "I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn't listen and I shot him."

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it's a rather strange story so he drives to the house. When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.

He asks "Officers, why haven't you gone inside and arrested the woman?"

They reply "Sir, we aren't going to go in yet. The kitchen floor is still wet!"

A woman visited an antique store and found a beautiful wardrobe. She wanted to buy it, but said that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk told her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She is happy with that idea, and buys it, they deliver and assemble it.

Next day woman called to the store explaining that her house is near the railroad and last night when train was passing by the wardrobe couldn't stand a little shaking and broke.

The store sent out a worker to fix the wardrobe. He made sure to tighten all the screws.

But the next day she called again and explained that again the wardrobe broke as train was passing by.

They again send the worker, he fixed it, tightened all the screws, glued some parts and tries to shake it to make sure it is sturdy as hell and it is.

But the next day woman called again. And again the same story. Again the worker comes to her house, assemble it again and then says:

"Listen, I've assembled this wardrobe 3 times and it broken all the time the train passed by. I have no idea what's going on, but there is some loose point. I just can't figure out where. I propose that I will go inside the wardrobe and when the train comes by, I can observe what exactly is going on when it breaks, so I can fix it properly."

The woman agrees, so the worker goes inside with a flashlight.

As the worker is waiting for the train to come by, the woman's husband returned from a business trip. He walks into the bedroom and sees the new wardrobe.

"What a beautiful wardrobe you bought" he says to his wife and proceeds to walk to the wardrobe and opens it only to see a man inside.

The worker look him dead in the eye and says  "You know, just beat the shit out of me. Because you won't believe that I am sitting waiting here for the train."

The US tried to switch from pounds to kilograms, but it created mass confusion.

What did the cannibal say when he met a fully armored knight?

Argh... Canned food again?

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.