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jokes

 
steward
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Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?
It hasn't come out yet.
 
master gardener
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I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet... but the thyme is cumin.
 
Jay Angler
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My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?”
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
 
pollinator
Posts: 427
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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I don't want to brag, but I just went into another room and remembered why I went there!
 
pollinator
Posts: 820
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
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Ducks have tail feathers so we don't have to look at their butt quack.
 
Nick Kitchener
pollinator
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Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
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The CEO of Ikea has just been voted president of Sweden. When asked what he will devote his first 3 months of office to, he responded "Assembling my cabinet".
 
Nick Kitchener
pollinator
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T-shirts are actually abbreviated from Tyrannosaurus shirts because of the short arms.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls.  It called for fresh thyme, but mine was outdated.  I used it anyway.
You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Momma's and Papa's.
Can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I cleared out some space in the freezer sounds so much more productive than: "I just polished off another pint of icecream."
 
master gardener
Posts: 4103
Location: southern Illinois, USA
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After she won the Spelling contest at school, my granddaughter decided to become a witch.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Why were the Star Wars movies released in the order of 4,5,6, 1,2,3?   In charge of sequencing, Yoda was.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2921
Location: Maine, zone 5
1497
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm at the hospital, waiting to be seen.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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They're talking about banning glitter this Christmas.
It’s been in the cards for years.
Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

NOOOO!! I love glitter!!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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Keith Richards and Mick Jagger came over one year for Christmas dinner.
Unfortunately, I under-cooked the turkey and everyone got sick.

I almost killed two Stones with one bird.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Persthingspective.

Because sometimes you have to put things into perspective.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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I got six pieces of cardboard for Christmas.

A little confused, I asked "What’s this?" and found out that it’s an ex box!
 
steward
Posts: 12695
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
3570
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I got five pieces of cardboard for Christmas.

A little confused, I asked "What’s this?" and found out that it’s an X box!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I took a trip to the big city yesterday and got complimented on my parking skills.  There was an envelope on my windshield that said Parking Fine.
 
master gardener
Posts: 4330
2002
2
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I'd tell you a joke about Christmas toys, but...

The punchline was sold separately.
 
Carla Burke
master gardener
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Why doesn't the gingerbread man have teeth?



He lost them to gingervitis.
 
Carla Burke
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I have a fart joke that goes on for an hour, but it tends to clear the room.
 
Carla Burke
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Why didn't the Christmas tree go to the party?

Tinselitis
 
Carla Burke
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Did you hear Walmart is giving away dead batteries?

They're free of charge!
 
Carla Burke
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How does the snow globe feel this year?

A little shaken.
 
Carla Burke
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What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!
 
Carla Burke
master gardener
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2002
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What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Wrap!
 
Carla Burke
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Ice Crispies.
 
Carla Burke
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What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate clauses.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I was out on the lake the other day and and several packages of meat floated by. It was a little choppy.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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You know what really makes my blood boil.? Crematoriums.
 
John F Dean
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I called Verizon to report a nuisance caller. They said, “Not you again!,”
 
Carla Burke
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia!
 
Carla Burke
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What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.
 
Posts: 88
Location: Northern BC Zone 3
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I wonder if glass coffins will ever catch on. Remains to be seen.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”
Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Chris: Why is a computer so smart?

Mom: It listens to its motherboard.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I’m an indecisive compulsive ....I don’t know what I want, but I want it now.
 
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