• Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com pie forums private forums all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Carla Burke
  • John F Dean
  • Timothy Norton
  • Nancy Reading
  • r ranson
  • Jay Angler
  • Pearl Sutton
stewards:
  • paul wheaton
  • Tereza Okava
  • Andrés Bernal
master gardeners:
  • Christopher Weeks
gardeners:
  • Jeremy VanGelder
  • M Ljin
  • Matt McSpadden

jokes

 
steward
Posts: 3494
Location: Maine, zone 5
2064
8
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
  • Likes 10
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?
It hasn't come out yet.
 
master steward
Posts: 13828
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8158
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 12
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet... but the thyme is cumin.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 13828
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8158
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 13828
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8158
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?”
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
 
pollinator
Posts: 909
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
517
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
  • Likes 14
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I don't want to brag, but I just went into another room and remembered why I went there!
 
pollinator
Posts: 873
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
177
  • Likes 13
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Ducks have tail feathers so we don't have to look at their butt quack.
 
Nick Kitchener
pollinator
Posts: 873
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
177
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The CEO of Ikea has just been voted president of Sweden. When asked what he will devote his first 3 months of office to, he responded "Assembling my cabinet".
 
Nick Kitchener
pollinator
Posts: 873
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
177
  • Likes 11
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
T-shirts are actually abbreviated from Tyrannosaurus shirts because of the short arms.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 909
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
517
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
  • Likes 10
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls.  It called for fresh thyme, but mine was outdated.  I used it anyway.
You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 909
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
517
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Momma's and Papa's.
Can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 909
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
517
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I cleared out some space in the freezer sounds so much more productive than: "I just polished off another pint of icecream."
 
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
After she won the Spelling contest at school, my granddaughter decided to become a witch.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why were the Star Wars movies released in the order of 4,5,6, 1,2,3?   In charge of sequencing, Yoda was.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3494
Location: Maine, zone 5
2064
8
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm at the hospital, waiting to be seen.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3494
Location: Maine, zone 5
2064
8
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
They're talking about banning glitter this Christmas.
It’s been in the cards for years.
Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

NOOOO!! I love glitter!!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3494
Location: Maine, zone 5
2064
8
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Keith Richards and Mick Jagger came over one year for Christmas dinner.
Unfortunately, I under-cooked the turkey and everyone got sick.

I almost killed two Stones with one bird.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3494
Location: Maine, zone 5
2064
8
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Persthingspective.

Because sometimes you have to put things into perspective.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3494
Location: Maine, zone 5
2064
8
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I got six pieces of cardboard for Christmas.

A little confused, I asked "What’s this?" and found out that it’s an ex box!
 
steward
Posts: 15873
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
5041
8
hunting trees books food preservation solar woodworking
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I got five pieces of cardboard for Christmas.

A little confused, I asked "What’s this?" and found out that it’s an X box!
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I took a trip to the big city yesterday and got complimented on my parking skills.  There was an envelope on my windshield that said Parking Fine.
 
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I'd tell you a joke about Christmas toys, but...

The punchline was sold separately.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why doesn't the gingerbread man have teeth?



He lost them to gingervitis.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have a fart joke that goes on for an hour, but it tends to clear the room.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why didn't the Christmas tree go to the party?

Tinselitis
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Did you hear Walmart is giving away dead batteries?

They're free of charge!
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How does the snow globe feel this year?

A little shaken.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Wrap!
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Ice Crispies.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate clauses.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I was out on the lake the other day and and several packages of meat floated by. It was a little choppy.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
You know what really makes my blood boil.? Crematoriums.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I called Verizon to report a nuisance caller. They said, “Not you again!,”
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia!
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9244
Location: Missouri Ozarks
4998
7
personal care gear foraging hunting rabbit chicken cooking food preservation fiber arts medical herbs homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.
 
pollinator
Posts: 160
Location: Northern British Columbia Zone 3
84
gear hunting foraging books food preservation cooking
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I wonder if glass coffins will ever catch on. Remains to be seen.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 13828
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8158
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”
Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 13828
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8158
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Chris: Why is a computer so smart?

Mom: It listens to its motherboard.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 909
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
517
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7663
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2829
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I’m an indecisive compulsive ....I don’t know what I want, but I want it now.
 
Bras cause cancer. And tiny ads:
montana community seeking 20 people who are gardeners or want to be gardeners
https://permies.com/t/359868/montana-community-seeking-people-gardeners
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic