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jokes

Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.

And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

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K Eilander

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posted 3 years ago

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(a bit dated but still good IMO)

Permie 1: Do you like your new no-till garden?
Permie 2: Does a honey bee like listening to Sting?

Permie 1: But she can only listen to him once...
Both in unison: ...because she'll die.
Permie 2: Yeah, I should have seen that one coming.

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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How can you tell if you run out of invisible ink?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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Why Iron-man and not FE-male?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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Drinking rum before 10 am makes you a pirate, not an alchoholic.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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How hot is it?
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The temperature drops below 95 - you feel a bit chilly.

Hopefully it's not too early to be joking about the crazy heat we're getting in so many places...

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Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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What's the difference between weather and climate?

You can't weather a tree,
but you can climate.

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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Where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baahamas

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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Meteorologists have weighed rainbows and found out.....

They are pretty light.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can

Scandinavian.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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There is a fine line between a
numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will
find this funny.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

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posted 3 years ago

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Q: What do you call the Robin Williams movie about a hot California summer?

A: Mrs. Droughtfire.

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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Did you hear about the ocean and the beach having a baby?

It was a buoy.

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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I was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.

"Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully.

"I am" said one, "no, I am" said another.

"No," the father said, "their mother is!"

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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Advice to Old People

Do not sit on the floor
without a plan on how to
get back up!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 915

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 3 years ago

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So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: "It's to tight."
She said try it with the tongue out.
I said: "It'th thno goodth. It'th thill thoo thight."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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Some guy sitting in a bar when a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk in.

He sits up a little straighter and whispers to his neighbor, "Hey, I've heard of these guys. They're hilarious!"

Be the shenanigans
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K Eilander

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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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A wise man once said, ""

Be the shenanigans
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Riley Hughes

pioneer

Posts: 45

Location: Fair Grove Missouri

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posted 3 years ago

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A Squirrel and a Racoon are in a tree arguing over the type of tree across the meadow.

"It's an Oak tree!" says the Racoon, "I think I can see the leaves".

"It's a Hickory!" the squirrel says, "I can see the bark!".

Just then the woodpecker lands next to them. Racoon says "Hey woodpecker settle this for us, I think that tree over there is an Oak but squirrel says it's a hickory... what do you think?".

The woodpecker tells them he'll have a look and be right back. he flies over to the tree and lands on it. He prods at the bark a bit... then he knocks on it a little harder. He takes his time, and slowly becomes more and more focused on what he's doing, pecking the tree faster and harder. Just really going to town on the big tree.

Finally he flies back and lands next to the Racoon and Squirrel again, trying to catch his breath. Squirrel and Racoon exchange glances, then look at Woodpecker. "Well? which one of us is right?"
Woodpecker takes a long slow breath and says, "fellas, that's no Oak or Hickory.... that over there is the best piece of Ash I've ever stuck my pecker in"

“When I rise up let me rise up joyful like a bird. When I fall let me fall without regret like a leaf.”– Wendell Berry

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3504

Location: Maine, zone 5

2088

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posted 3 years ago

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I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

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posted 3 years ago

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Whenever I go to Las Vegas I always like to take a hedgehog with me.
(It's always good to hedge your bets.)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

Gerry Cooper

Posts: 2

posted 3 years ago

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Knock knock!!
Who's there?
Maggot
Maggot, who?
Knock knock!!
Who's there?
Tick
Tick, who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?!?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I'm not just another pest?

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 14017

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 14017

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 3 years ago

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, “My son is doing pretty well. He’s just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he’s doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car.” Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
The third guy steps up and can’t help but escalate with praise for his own son, “That’s pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He’s a chip off the old block. He’s a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He’s doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!”. He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son’s accomplishments, “Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He’s a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he’s been dating an entire freaking house!” He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, “What about you? You didn’t say anything before you shot… don’t you have something to share about your son?”
The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, “I don’t understand my son. I love him and I’m happy he’s happy. He’s a cross-dresser, he’s gay, and works as a male escort…” They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, “He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin’ house!”

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Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 2960

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1509

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posted 3 years ago

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There once was a giant of a man in a small town with many travelers passing through. He was the strongest man around and loved to prove it. Time and again, townspeople and travelers would challenge him to various feats of strength, and all would lose. One night at the bar, a rather smallish, thin, man came in, ordered a drink and sat down. He listened for 30 minutes to the giant bragging about how strong he was and how many people he had beaten. The smallish man was tired of it, walked over and said. "I'll bet you $1000 that I can wheel something in a wheelbarrow all the way around the bar, that you can't wheel back around". The giant looked him up and down and laughed in his face. When the smallish man pulled out cash, the giant decided he would show him up. The townspeople were all thrilled to see another contest, and they all tumbled out of the bar and one ran for a wheelbarrow. When the wheelbarrow arrived, the smallish man went over to it, picked it up by the handles, hefted it a few times, turned to the giant and said "ok, hop in".

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
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Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 2960

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1509

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posted 3 years ago

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Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! I only have 59 more seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just a minute"

Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 2960

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1509

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posted 3 years ago

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One day a quintessential young, rich, hotshot pulled up to the stoplight in his brand new sportscar. You know the kind with slicked back hair, sunglasses, and a leather jacket. The hotshot looked over to see a quintessential old man on a moped. You know the kind with wispy hair, stubble for a beard, suspenders, and padded shoes. The hotshot loved showing off his car and started pointing out all the cool features. The 8.1 surround sound system, stick shift, hand stitched leather seats and the like. The old man leaned over into the window and was admiring the interior. The hotshot kept bragging about his car, "...and it can do 0 to 60 in just 5 seconds". Just then the light turned green, and the hotshot decided to show the old man what his car could do. He stomped on the gas and shifted up through the gears and reached 60mph in 5 seconds. He was chuckling to himself when he saw a small black dot in his rear view mirror that was getting bigger and bigger. He watched with amazement as it got closer and realized it was the old man on the moped. He watched in shock as the old man got closer and closer, whizzed past the car and dissapeared into the distance. He saw the black spot ahead of him and realized it was the old man on the moped coming back towards him. This time the old man whizzed past just a few feet from the car. The hotshot could feel the wind as the old man sped past. He saw the old man appear in the rear view mirror again, and with horror, he realized the old man was not going to make it past, and sure enough, the old man slammed into the back of the car. The hotshot jumped out of the car, crazed with anger that the old man had ruined his car. He started yelling at the old man and demanding he pay for the damages. The old man was quite shaken but managed a few words "I'm sorry, I'll pay for damages, just please get my suspenders unhooked from your side view mirror".

Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 2960

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1509

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posted 3 years ago

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Biff and Boff were hunting in the woods. They had not had a good day, and it peaked when they realized they were lost. They wandered in circles for a while before Biff had an idea.

Biff - "I heard that if you are lost, you should fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find you".
Boff - "That is a great idea".

Boff fired three shots into the air and they waited a half an hour. No one showed up.

Biff - "Lets try again"
Boff - "Yeah"

Boff fired three more shots into the air and this time waiting an hour. Still no one came.

Biff - "Lets try again"
Boff - "Ok, but I sure hope it works this time. These are our last arrows".

Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 2960

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1509

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posted 3 years ago

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping one night.

Sherlock - "Watson, look up, what do you see?"
Watson - "Well, I see millions of beautiful stars that make up millions of galaxies in an ever expanding universe".
Sherlock - "But what does it mean?"
Watson - "Well, I guess it means that we are finite beings in an infinite universe trying to find our reason for existence"
Sherlock - "Watson, it means someone stole our tent!"

Christine Circe

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Location: Zone 8A

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posted 3 years ago

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Q: Why are horses so negative? A: Beacuse they always say "Neigh" to everything!

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K Eilander

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Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

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A troop of Vervet monkeys sitting in their tree in Africa when off in the distance they see ominous clouds start to appear on the horizon.

"Oh no!", says one, "Living in this tree we're the tallest thing around. Every year we lose two or three of us to lightening strikes. What are we going to do!??"

Old and crusty monkey says, "Mr Owl is very wise. We should ask him."
Even more old and crusty monkey says, "No, no, no. Mr Elephant is very smart because he never forgets. We should ask him instead."
Oldest and most crusty monkey of them all has no patience for debating and immediately calls for Mr Giraffe.
The others grumble under their breath, but they know there's no point in arguing.

Soon Mr Giraffe arrives.
...and is immediately struck by lightening.

"Age and treachery will overcome youth and skill." -- Fausto Coppi

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.