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jokes

 
master gardener
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I’ve been scared half to death twice in my life.
 
master gardener
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What did the dirt say to the rain?

You’d better cut it out, or my name will be mud!

 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?

A bunion.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you pour hot water into a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

Happy Easter everyone!
 
pollinator
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(This joke came from a conversation with a visibly concerned 8yo who just heard a new term.  I think that context makes it all the more funny!)

If a vegetarian eats vegetables... what does a humanitarian eat?
 
                      
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Butterflies!!
IMG_2296.JPG
[Thumbnail for IMG_2296.JPG]
 
John F Dean
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I’m confused, why do some people hate cold coffee but love iced coffee?
 
John F Dean
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I get pretty frustrated with autocorrect.  I seem to post a lot of things I didn’t Nintendo.
 
pollinator
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You can't eat snacks while sleeping, so taking a nap is basically a diet.
 
John F Dean
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I read some where that icy is one of the easiest words to spell.    I see why.
 
John F Dean
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One of those delayed thoughts .....  Easter Egg Hunts are proof that kids can find things if they really want to.
 
John F Dean
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I have made a delayed resolution.  I have stopped drinking for good.   Now I only drink for evil.
 
John F Dean
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Freudian Slips happen to the breast of us.
 
John F Dean
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Vampires are cannibals on a liquid diet.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey?

A pouch potato.
 
Jay Angler
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What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag?

“No thanks, I’m traveling light!”
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?

An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha.
 
John F Dean
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Why did the Owl cross the road?  It was the chicken’s day off.
 
John F Dean
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A Bossy guy walks into a bar. He orders everyone a round.
 
John F Dean
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What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?   Hamboogers!
 
John F Dean
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If you wonder about the direction the intelligence of humankind is headed, I ran into an owners manual for a 1928 Nash.   It shows the owner how to adjust the valves.   The owner manual of my car warns me not to drink the battery acid.
 
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.
279323845_549433616541593_487982460184199444_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 279323845_549433616541593_487982460184199444_n.jpg]
 
Jay Angler
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What was the child who wouldn’t nap guilty of?

Resisting a rest!
 
Jay Angler
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I went golfing the other day and heard a woman running towards the pro shop, screaming that she was attacked by wasps.
I ran over and asked where she got stung. She said "Right between the first and second hole."
I said, "First of all I think your stance is a little wide."
 
Dennis Barrow
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Posted before I think, but still a good one:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.





 
Jay Angler
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Why is the cat so grouchy?  

Because he's in a lousy mewd.
 
Jay Angler
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Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens.
 
Jay Angler
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
 
Jay Angler
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A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat.
“What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.”
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
 
Jay Angler
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
 
Jay Angler
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A man walks into a bar with a cat and dog. They all sit down and the bartender says “What can I get you?”
The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I’ll take a Vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a Scotch.”
The bartender, in shocks, says to the dog, “This is AMAZING! You’re a dog that can talk…”
The guy looks at the bartender, and says, “Don’t be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist.”
 
John F Dean
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When my wife and I first met, we had the perfect date.  The next night, we had a pretty good grape.
 
Jay Angler
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Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: Breathe! Breathe!
 
Jay Angler
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Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"
 
Dennis Barrow
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A new study recently found that people eat more banana's than monkey's.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
 
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