jokes

My first day as a car salesman...
Customer: I want cargo space.
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

A man took his pet carrot for a walk, they were walking the carrot got hit by a car.
After rushing to the ER the man anxiously paced the waiting room. Finally the doctor came out, exhausted from surgery.
"Doctor, is my carrot alive? Is he ok?!"
The doctor replied "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive!"
The man breathed a sigh of relief. "What's the bad news doctor?"
The doctor looked him in the eyes and said "Well...  I'm sorry, but your carrot will be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

Finding Johnny making faces at the other students during recess, the teacher stopped to reprove little Johnny.

"Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and i would stay like that." said the teacher.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

By tradition, when a bunch of sports players jump on eachother it's called a dogpile.

So, when a bunch of cows land on eachother is it considered a stockpile?

From Backwoods Home Magazine:


Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."
As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?

....................

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?
He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

.........................

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.
When I asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, I must look like such an idiot!"

............

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.
They just don't make them like their going to anymore.

...............

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday
One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. Mortified, she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day back at work, the girls met up and discussed if they should all skip out early again next week.

"No way" said the blonde, "Yesterday, I almost got caught!"

Two jokes cause it's Twosday:

1. When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party...now I'm homeless

2. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying

It’s been months since I bought the book “How to Scam People Online.”
It still hasn’t arrived yet.

St Francis Explaining Grass to God:
Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by John Baker, May 13, 2011.


GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.
But, allI see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites! They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any otherplant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...



GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh.
Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

Someone keyed the music teacher's car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

One minute you're young and fun...
.
.
.
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie,

"That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?" "No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."

What do you call an oak tree that can’t make it’s mind up?  


Undeciduous.

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra."
"That's a freebie."

What do you call the secret organization of tight-lipped Soviet honey makers?
The Cagey Bees

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

What do honeybees do in the winter? They do what anyone smart would do; they snuggle with their honey!

My friend is a beekeeper who comes from a long line of beekeepers.
He comes from old honey.

What is the last thing to go through a bee’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its stinger.

A school teacher invited a Native American to give a presentation to his students about their culture.

After discussing history, traditions and lifestyle, the conversation turned to language.

"One of the interesting things about our language," he said, "is that there are no cuss words."

"But then what do you say if you are hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger?" asked a student.

"In that case," he replied, "we use your language."

A man makes a request to God.

Man: O' eternal one! To you, the millennia must pass as an instant!
God: True. To me, a thousand years is a mere second.
Man: O' kingly one! To you, the riches of the world must be small change!
God: Indeed. To me, the wealth of nations is a mere penny.
Man: O' benevolent one! Could you please spare me one of those pennies?
God: Sure. Just give me a second.

Jay Angler wrote:What do you call an oak tree that can’t make it’s mind up?  

Undeciduous.

Would you like a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
Sitting on a bench outside the nursing
Home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you
Can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure
We can! Just drop your pants and
we can tell your Exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious To prove they couldn't do it,He dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
Around a couple of times and then jump
Up and down several times. Determined
To prove them wrong, he did it. Then they All said in unison,'You're 87 years Old!'
Standing with his pants down around
His ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
The world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high living and grinning from ear to ear,the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

Customer: "how's the tailoring business going?"
Owner: "eh, it's sew-sew"...
Cust: "I was thinking of starting a business building podiums"
Owner: "really? why?"
Cust: "It's something I could truly stand behind"...

I was told today that men are really very respectful of women's modesty. When a woman is wearing a bikini, and 90% of her skin is exposed, the guys are polite and do not stare at the exposed skin, they keep their gaze on the covered bits.

Mathematically, if you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time. sin 90 = cot 45


I got arrested for doing calculus drunk. The officer told me to never drink and derive.


I knew calculus would kill me some day ... I should have seen the warning sines.

Q: What is King Kong's favorite food?

A: Ape-ricots!


Q: Why did the people dance to the vegetable band?

A: Because it had a good beet


Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?

A: Cellar-y!

A father and son were sitting in the woods.
Son: Dad, do trees poop?
Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

Never make love to a thin piece of wood without using protection.
If you forget, you might get a veneereal disease.

My uncle just passed away from accidentally drinking wood varnish.
It was a sad way to go....but a beautiful finish.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse, and half human doctor...making him the Centaur for Disease Control

Some people are like slinkies.
Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when you push them down stairs.

With a nod to Greg, my pet bird has chirpies .....it’s a Canarial disease.

I tried to be a good Permie and stop using toilet paper, but the Times are rough.

I was always proud that I had the body of a Greek god.    Then my wife had to tell me that Buddha wasn’t Greek.

An 89 year old man goes into confession and he says to the priest, "Father I have sinned." The priest replies, "What do you have to confess my son?" The old man says, "Well I went to a bar and I met this absolutely stunning 23 year old woman and to my surprise she was totally into me. So much in fact later we went back to my place and we had sex. We actually ended up having sex three times." The priest says, " This is a very egregious sin my son. Please do 15 hail Mary's and give a donation to the church." The old man replies, "Well, I'm sorry but I'm not going to do that." The priest says, "Why?" The old man says, "Well I'm not actually catholic." The priest says, "Then why did you come here to confess?" The old man replies, " Because I'm telling everybody."

From the Backwoods Home:

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It's a little gnome fact.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour.
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

What runs round a garden but never moves? A fence.

I have a bird feeder in the garden.
It also works as a cat feeder.

What do you call a homeless snail? A slug.

What is small, red and whispers? A horseradish.

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash.

Gardening requires lots of water — most of it in the form of perspiration.

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"  "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

Pearl Sutton wrote:I was told today that men are really very respectful of women's modesty. When a woman is wearing a bikini, and 90% of her skin is exposed, the guys are polite and do not stare at the exposed skin, they keep their gaze on the covered bits.

No, no, no.
Like momma always said, "Don't stare at a woman's bikini. It's what's inside that counts."

Come to think of it, what momma meant, and what I heard...