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jokes

 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
 
master gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".

The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a double I'd ask for one!"
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London.  Probably just an urban moth.
 
Jay Angler
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A friend has a bizarre fear of spiders in raincoats. Anorakaphobia.
 
pollinator
Posts: 283
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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An artist showed up at Ghengis Kahn's tent one day and offered to paint a portrait of him for 800 gold pieces.

The fellow was immediately hired, but when the day came for his sitting, the warlord found that the man had run off with all the money during the night.

Clearly he was a kahn-artist.
 
master gardener
Posts: 4205
Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I woke up at 2:00 AM and wrote down the greatest joke about sodium.  But when I read it this morning, I thought “NA”.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I got fortunate and got a trip to Southern California.  One morning I was walking on the beach and found a breakfast waffle.   Yep.  It was a Sandy Eggo.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Never trust anyone who spells Gonorrhea correctly on the first try.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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If you must borrow money, always borrow from a pessimist.  They won’t expect it back.
 
steward
Posts: 12815
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
3602
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To an optimist the glass is 1/2 full
To a pessimist the glass is 1/2 empty
To Excel the glass is January 2nd
 
pollinator
Posts: 174
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
43
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving in a car. Suddenly, they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to open the trunk. He checks the trunk and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now!" shouts Schrodinger, irritated. The cop decides to arrest them. Ohm resists.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Back in my college days I ran into this really awkward kid at a coffee house.  He was a poet of sorts, but like I said, he was really backward.  He wrote inverse.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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a guy asked me at the store if I know where Engagement Ohio is.
I said it is between Dayton and Marion.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I’ve been posting a lot of puns lately.  I tried to come up with one about a carpenter, but I don’t have it nailed yet.
 
John F Dean
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For breakfast, or anytime, a boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I just asked myself if I am crazy.......... we all said no.
 
John F Dean
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I walked into this really old French restaurant. Frankly, it gave me the crepes.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Speaking of old, my recliner and me go way back.
 
John F Dean
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I was at a meeting last evening. A bunch of poopy heads there told me to stop being childish.
 
Jay Angler
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I saw a spider on my computer keyboard earlier, but not to worry. It’s under Ctrl.
 
Jay Angler
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Was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop, then I realized I could get one cheaper on the web.
 
pollinator
Posts: 121
Location: Currently south Wales (the old one!)
56
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Seance?

I went to one once, and the woman holding it laughed, so I hit her.  I always like to strike a happy medium.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Nobody is perfect.
I am nobody.
Therefore, I am perfect.
 
Mike Haasl
steward
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If nothing is better than sex,
and a baloney sandwich is better than nothing.....
 
pollinator
Posts: 266
Location: Northern Ontario, Canada
132
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Just saw this in one of my gardening facebook groups
early-bird.jpg
[Thumbnail for early-bird.jpg]
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If I ever go missing,
I want my picture to go on beer bottles
instead of milk cartons.
That way my friends will know I am missing.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I bought some cured ham.  Now I am asking myself if it is smart to eat  any ham if it had been diseased.
 
John F Dean
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If you consider that we are buying liquid, exploding dinosaurs..... gas is pretty cheap.
 
John F Dean
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Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.
 
John F Dean
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I forgot to pay my exorcist.  Now I’ve been repossessed.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
 
K Eilander
pollinator
Posts: 283
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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In my opinion you should go to the doctor when you need stitches instead of attempting it at home... but hey, suture self.
 
If you were a tree, what sort of tree would you be? This tiny ad is a poop beast.
Together Resilient by Ma'ikwe Ludwig
https://permies.com/wiki/112141/Resilient-Ma-ikwe-Ludwig
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