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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".

The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a double I'd ask for one!"

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Jay Angler
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Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London.  Probably just an urban moth.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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A friend has a bizarre fear of spiders in raincoats. Anorakaphobia.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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K Eilander
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An artist showed up at Ghengis Kahn's tent one day and offered to paint a portrait of him for 800 gold pieces.

The fellow was immediately hired, but when the day came for his sitting, the warlord found that the man had run off with all the money during the night.

Clearly he was a kahn-artist.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I woke up at 2:00 AM and wrote down the greatest joke about sodium.  But when I read it this morning, I thought “NA”.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I got fortunate and got a trip to Southern California.  One morning I was walking on the beach and found a breakfast waffle.   Yep.  It was a Sandy Eggo.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Never trust anyone who spells Gonorrhea correctly on the first try.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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If you must borrow money, always borrow from a pessimist.  They won’t expect it back.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Mike Haasl
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To an optimist the glass is 1/2 full
To a pessimist the glass is 1/2 empty
To Excel the glass is January 2nd

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Eric Thomas
pollinator
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving in a car. Suddenly, they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to open the trunk. He checks the trunk and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now!" shouts Schrodinger, irritated. The cop decides to arrest them. Ohm resists.

“In the absence of any other proof, the thumb alone would convince me of God's existence.”

Isaac Newton

 
John F Dean
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Back in my college days I ran into this really awkward kid at a coffee house.  He was a poet of sorts, but like I said, he was really backward.  He wrote inverse.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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a guy asked me at the store if I know where Engagement Ohio is.
I said it is between Dayton and Marion.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I’ve been posting a lot of puns lately.  I tried to come up with one about a carpenter, but I don’t have it nailed yet.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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For breakfast, or anytime, a boiled egg is hard to beat.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I just asked myself if I am crazy.......... we all said no.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I walked into this really old French restaurant. Frankly, it gave me the crepes.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Speaking of old, my recliner and me go way back.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I was at a meeting last evening. A bunch of poopy heads there told me to stop being childish.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Jay Angler
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I saw a spider on my computer keyboard earlier, but not to worry. It’s under Ctrl.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop, then I realized I could get one cheaper on the web.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
James Alun
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Seance?

I went to one once, and the woman holding it laughed, so I hit her.  I always like to strike a happy medium.

Learning slowly...
How permies.com works

 
John F Dean
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Nobody is perfect.
I am nobody.
Therefore, I am perfect.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Mike Haasl
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If nothing is better than sex,
and a baloney sandwich is better than nothing.....

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Cam Haslehurst
gardener
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Just saw this in one of my gardening facebook groups
early-bird.jpg
[Thumbnail for early-bird.jpg]


My journal documenting my time living on the Stone Baerm Homestead in summer 2021: https://permies.com/t/160807/Stone-Baerm-Adventures

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If I ever go missing,
I want my picture to go on beer bottles
instead of milk cartons.
That way my friends will know I am missing.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I bought some cured ham.  Now I am asking myself if it is smart to eat  any ham if it had been diseased.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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If you consider that we are buying liquid, exploding dinosaurs..... gas is pretty cheap.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I forgot to pay my exorcist.  Now I’ve been repossessed.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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In my opinion you should go to the doctor when you need stitches instead of attempting it at home... but hey, suture self.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
This is awkward. I've grown a second evil head. I'm going to need a machete and a tiny ad ...
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