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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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This is how the moon would look if colonized.

M:O:O:N

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I found that I have been happier in the mornings since I changed from coffee to orange juice.
My doctor explained that it is the vitamin C and natural sugars,
but I really think it is the Vodka.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Mike Haasl
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I had to walk the plank as a kid.

We couldn't afford a dog...

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Matt McSpadden
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What do you get when you cross a snail and a porcupine? A slowpoke!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
John F Dean
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I hope when the day finally comes that I choke to death on a Gummy Bear that my wife has the decency to notify Permies that I was killed by a bear.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
Mike Haasl
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Most people are shocked when they realize what a bad electrician I am.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

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Mike Haasl
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?  


Oh my god, breathe!

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Dennis Barrow
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If you see a toilet in your dreams,
DON'T USE IT!!

(please don't ask how I know).

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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A man walks into the corner café and takes a seat at the bar.  He looks over at the guy next to him and sees that he's a complete wreck.  His shirt is wrinkled, his hair a mess, 5 o'clock shadow, and he's drinking a cup of black coffee the size of a jacuzzi.

"Wow, friend.  What ever happened to you?"

The man replies, "Let me tell you, I've got the worst boss in the world.
He's got me working ten, twelve, even fourteen-hour days -- and on top of that, I'm always on call even on my rare day off.
The nastiest jobs in the company that nobody else wants always get dumped on me.
He's constantly on my case, guilting me about everything - I can't even take 5 minutes to check my social messages without him right there telling me I need to get back to work.
To top it all off, he's emotionally abusive, always telling me I'll never go anywhere and what I'm working on will never succeed."

"You know, if it was me, I'd stand up to that jerk and tell him just where to stick it!"

"Well, I'd sure like to, but I can't.
I'm self-employed."

Be the shenanigans
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K Eilander
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(Saw this one on the RedGreen show the other night and it cracked me up.
Well, technically he's not wrong, I guess. LOL!)

"So... for the next step in the build, you're going to want to measure and mark a line at 2 inches.
Or, if you're on the metric system, simply mark 2 inches worth of centimeters." -- RedGreen

Be the shenanigans
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Mike Haasl
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Did you guys hear about the new air freshener that is mind controlled?  It makes sense when you think about it...

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
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It takes guts to be an organ donor

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Jay Angler
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A bear does not wear socks because he likes to be bear foot.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...
In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspections, the safe cracker sat down, pulled off his shoes and socks, and started manipulating the combination dial with this toes.

"Why are you wasting time like this?," the ring leader asked.

The safe cracker replied, "I'll have it open in a jiffy. This only takes me 5 extra seconds, but it really confuses the guys in the fingerprint lab."

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Mike Haasl
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Like most people my age, I'm 34.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
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What did the bra say to the hat?  You go on a head, I've got to stay here and give these two a lift.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
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I own the world's worst thesaurus.  Not only is it awful, but it's awful.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Carla Burke
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.
321687978_436051785314083_7741062461684215284_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 321687978_436051785314083_7741062461684215284_n.jpg]

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
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Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?

          Because they'd crack each other up.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
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Screenshot_20230120-001124_Messenger.jpg
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20230120-001124_Messenger.jpg]

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Greg Martin
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What's the difference between Iron man and aluminum man?

Iron man stops the criminals! Aluminum man just foils their plans.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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I have learned two important things in my life.
I can't remember the first one, but the second one is to start writing stuff down.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied:  "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again, my girlfriend asked:  "How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied:  "It's nature.  He can smell she is ready."
We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said:  "This is odd.  They are really going at it.  
Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said:  "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.  
She said:  "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."
Surprised, "Why do you say that?"  I asked her.
She replied:  "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I was reading where chimpanzees share over 98 % of their gene's with humans.

I was surprised because their legs are shorter and I wouldn't think they'd fit.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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People tell me I should drink less whiskey.
I can't find that brand anywhere.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I don't drink alchohol.
I drink distilled spirits.

Therefore I am not an alchoholic,
I am spiritual.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I am really proud of the minister of our little country church.  The paint was peeling, so he hired a couple of guys to paint it.  Apparently they were inexperienced  because they didn’t order enough paint.   They thought they would get by when they painted the front of the church as well as they could and thinned the paint as they moved to the back.  

When the reverend first drove up he commented on the quality of the work, but as he walked to the back of the church he became visibly upset.  Finally he exploded, “ Repent you Thinners!  And thin no more!”

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
K Eilander
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Q: What do you call a person that gets extremely annoyed when you tell a joke and don't ever deliver the punchline?

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Mike Haasl
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I went to the zoo yesterday.  All they had was a single dog.  It was a shih tzu.

SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
John F Dean
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We got hit with a few inches of snow, so I picked up a few extra bucks plowing out the parking lots for a few churches. Anyway, as I was finishing up the parking lot for the Baptist Church, I realized there was a car behind me.  So I got out to see if I could help.  The kid behind the wheel explained his father told him that if he ever got lost to follow the snowplow.  So, I told him he was welcome to follow me over to the Methodist Church.

To be is to do …Kant
To do is to be ..Nietzsche
Do be do be do…Sinatra

 
Dennis Barrow
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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What will you have?"
The rabbit answers, "I have no idea. The only reason I am here is because of Autocorrect."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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A girl was visiting her  friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'Why not,' answered the friend, 'They're watch dogs'!

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I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks
Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

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Jay Angler
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What do you get when you add pool noodles to a hot tub?

Spa-ghetti

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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[Thumbnail for 307100716_10222317419551467_3607739937762572320_n.jpg]

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Dennis Barrow
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I have a pen that can write underwater.

Wow, really!

Yes, and it can write other words also.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Dennis Barrow wrote:I have a pen that can write underwater.

Wow, really!

Yes, and it can write other words also.


Reminds me of:

I know karate!
(And at least three other Japanese words.)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
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