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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Pasteurized - what you don't see because it's too far away.

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Dennis Barrow
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. Clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Q. Why can you never win an argument with a 90 degree angle?
A. Because they're always right!

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
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I am at the airport and there is a woman passed out on the baggage carousel !

She's slowly coming around now.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Once there was a hen who counted her own eggs.

She was a mathemachicken!

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Jay Angler
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Why did the circle get offended by the triangle?

Because the triangle looked at the circle and said “You’re pointless!”

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Dennis Barrow
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Induction:  The act of inserting ducks.

Deduction:  The act of removing ducks.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My emotional support animal is a chicken......... four piece, with a biscuit.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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How strong do you like your coffee?

I want it to show up on a drug test.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I had a happy childhood.
My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hills.
Those were Goodyears.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years,
the dry erase board is the most remarkable.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Men have feelings too.
Sometimes we feel like fishing.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Leigh Tate
author & steward
Posts: 5673
Location: Southeastern U.S. - Zone 7b
3365
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farmer-joke.jpg
farmer joke
farmer joke

Blog: 5 Acres & A Dream
Books: Kikobian Books | Permies Digital Market

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Which tool is best for math?

The multi-pliers.

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Jay Angler
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Why don’t atheists do well with exponents?

Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

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Dennis Barrow
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Thanks for teaching me the meaning of "Plethora".

It means a lot.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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It feels amazing to be able to walk into a store and buy anything I want without looking at the price tag.

Thanks Dollar Tree!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Fun thing about being over 50 is you don't remember if you're 53, 62 or 69.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
gardener
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Old joke (at least around here):

A currant bush is the original power plant.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 2961
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1509
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What do you get when you cross a mouse with an elephant?

I don't know... but it sure makes big holes in the wall!





What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a gorilla?

I don't know... but it can have whatever seat it wants on the subway!

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I let my blind friend borrow some money the other day.
He told me he was going to pay me back the next time he saw me.

Wait a minute.........

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I used to procrastinate, but I got so good at it I went pro.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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If you see a toilet in your dreams,
Don't use it!!
It's the only dream that comes true!!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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The Postal Service advises again this year that all babies born on Thanksgiving must be girls.
There will be no male delivery on the holiday.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gee's song.

When I opened the door, turns out it was just chives talking.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Mom, what's for dinner?

Nothing.

That's what we had last night.

I made enough for 2 nights.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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"A young couple moved into a new house.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I drink beer because I don't like to keep things bottled up.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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.
315883403_10230370933563391_2367407393119910598_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 315883403_10230370933563391_2367407393119910598_n.jpg]

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Greg Martin
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Women mature much faster than men....

I didn't have breasts until I was 40!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
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It’s so sad to think that parallel lines have so much in common…but they’ll never be able to meet!

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Jay Angler
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I asked a bodybuilder “Do you need to eat eggs to get jacked?”

He said “No Whey!”

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Jay Angler
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Which is the most loving vegetable?

An artichoke, as it has a heart.

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Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry with each other.

We've been awake since Thursday.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A man goes to a lake to swim and realizes that he forgot his swim suit.

No one is around so in he goes.

An hour or so later he starts to get out of the lake when he sees 2 elderly women walking towards him.

He grabs a bucket to cover his private area.

He starts to feel a little awkward when they begin to stare.

One of the women says, you know, I have a special gift.  I can read what people are thinking and I bet I can guess what you are thinking right now.

The guy says: Oh, you reckon you know what I am thinking about right now, do you?

The elderly lady says YES!  I think that you think that there is a bottom to that bucket.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the weightlifting vegetable?

He was a muscle sprout.

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Jay Angler
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Why are the eyes considered to be the last organ to die?

Because pupils die-late.

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Dennis Barrow
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A guy in the bar asked me if lm
watching the World Cup.
I said "yeah"
He said I bet you cant even
name three Qatar players".
I said,
"Jimmi Hendrix, Eric Clapton
and George Harrison"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Larry Miranda
Posts: 37
Location: Portugal Silver Coast
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My Father told me a story about trying to a make a sale in a rural agriicultere coop. The route he took for sales calls were out in every part of the east coast Canada and USA. Sometimes the days and weeks blended and the sales pitch became mundane....meet a 100 land 10. Keep it simple and straight forward.
Well one day somewhere south of Georgia he entered a coop and asked where he could speak with whoever did the purchasing for the establishment.
This was a big operation and hopes were very high. A young lady met my Father at the front of a large hanger styled door. She led him into a nice little office that had a large window overlooking the trees that lined the way to where the fields that carried the sales fortune that could be had.
After 5 minutes a large man entered the room looked out the window winked and asked my Father to sit down and offered him a coffee. A pleasant start.

The conversation led to talks about multiple crop yields per year, harvests, best sales talk ever

Its closing time and both men looked at each other with promise. My Father asked the farm manager if they could make a deal. The manager stood up tall looked again out the window, winked once more and said, well sir i will just need to speak with my branch manager.
They shook hands, and as my Father raised from his chair to leave the room this is what he saw, a bird and a crazy man both in front of him the whole time.

animal-avian-bird-158215.jpg
[Thumbnail for animal-avian-bird-158215.jpg]

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