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jokes

 
pollinator
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
 
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Pasteurized - what you don't see because it's too far away.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. Clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!
 
gardener
Posts: 527
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
316
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Q. Why can you never win an argument with a 90 degree angle?
A. Because they're always right!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I am at the airport and there is a woman passed out on the baggage carousel !

She's slowly coming around now.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Once there was a hen who counted her own eggs.

She was a mathemachicken!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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Why did the circle get offended by the triangle?

Because the triangle looked at the circle and said “You’re pointless!”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Induction:  The act of inserting ducks.

Deduction:  The act of removing ducks.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My emotional support animal is a chicken......... four piece, with a biscuit.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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How strong do you like your coffee?

I want it to show up on a drug test.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I had a happy childhood.
My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hills.
Those were Goodyears.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years,
the dry erase board is the most remarkable.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Men have feelings too.
Sometimes we feel like fishing.
 
author & steward
Posts: 5673
Location: Southeastern U.S. - Zone 7b
3365
6
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farmer-joke.jpg
farmer joke
farmer joke
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Which tool is best for math?

The multi-pliers.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why don’t atheists do well with exponents?

Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Thanks for teaching me the meaning of "Plethora".

It means a lot.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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It feels amazing to be able to walk into a store and buy anything I want without looking at the price tag.

Thanks Dollar Tree!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Fun thing about being over 50 is you don't remember if you're 53, 62 or 69.
 
K Eilander
gardener
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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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Old joke (at least around here):

A currant bush is the original power plant.
 
gardener
Posts: 2961
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1509
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What do you get when you cross a mouse with an elephant?

I don't know... but it sure makes big holes in the wall!





What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a gorilla?

I don't know... but it can have whatever seat it wants on the subway!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I let my blind friend borrow some money the other day.
He told me he was going to pay me back the next time he saw me.

Wait a minute.........
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I used to procrastinate, but I got so good at it I went pro.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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If you see a toilet in your dreams,
Don't use it!!
It's the only dream that comes true!!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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The Postal Service advises again this year that all babies born on Thanksgiving must be girls.
There will be no male delivery on the holiday.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gee's song.

When I opened the door, turns out it was just chives talking.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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Mom, what's for dinner?

Nothing.

That's what we had last night.

I made enough for 2 nights.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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"A young couple moved into a new house.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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I drink beer because I don't like to keep things bottled up.
 
Rusticator
Posts: 9316
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5041
7
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.
315883403_10230370933563391_2367407393119910598_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 315883403_10230370933563391_2367407393119910598_n.jpg]
 
steward
Posts: 3504
Location: Maine, zone 5
2088
8
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Women mature much faster than men....

I didn't have breasts until I was 40!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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It’s so sad to think that parallel lines have so much in common…but they’ll never be able to meet!
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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I asked a bodybuilder “Do you need to eat eggs to get jacked?”

He said “No Whey!”
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Which is the most loving vegetable?

An artichoke, as it has a heart.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
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My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry with each other.

We've been awake since Thursday.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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A man goes to a lake to swim and realizes that he forgot his swim suit.

No one is around so in he goes.

An hour or so later he starts to get out of the lake when he sees 2 elderly women walking towards him.

He grabs a bucket to cover his private area.

He starts to feel a little awkward when they begin to stare.

One of the women says, you know, I have a special gift.  I can read what people are thinking and I bet I can guess what you are thinking right now.

The guy says: Oh, you reckon you know what I am thinking about right now, do you?

The elderly lady says YES!  I think that you think that there is a bottom to that bucket.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Did you hear about the weightlifting vegetable?

He was a muscle sprout.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why are the eyes considered to be the last organ to die?

Because pupils die-late.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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524
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A guy in the bar asked me if lm
watching the World Cup.
I said "yeah"
He said I bet you cant even
name three Qatar players".
I said,
"Jimmi Hendrix, Eric Clapton
and George Harrison"
 
Posts: 37
Location: Portugal Silver Coast
8
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My Father told me a story about trying to a make a sale in a rural agriicultere coop. The route he took for sales calls were out in every part of the east coast Canada and USA. Sometimes the days and weeks blended and the sales pitch became mundane....meet a 100 land 10. Keep it simple and straight forward.
Well one day somewhere south of Georgia he entered a coop and asked where he could speak with whoever did the purchasing for the establishment.
This was a big operation and hopes were very high. A young lady met my Father at the front of a large hanger styled door. She led him into a nice little office that had a large window overlooking the trees that lined the way to where the fields that carried the sales fortune that could be had.
After 5 minutes a large man entered the room looked out the window winked and asked my Father to sit down and offered him a coffee. A pleasant start.

The conversation led to talks about multiple crop yields per year, harvests, best sales talk ever

Its closing time and both men looked at each other with promise. My Father asked the farm manager if they could make a deal. The manager stood up tall looked again out the window, winked once more and said, well sir i will just need to speak with my branch manager.
They shook hands, and as my Father raised from his chair to leave the room this is what he saw, a bird and a crazy man both in front of him the whole time.

animal-avian-bird-158215.jpg
[Thumbnail for animal-avian-bird-158215.jpg]
 
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