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jokes

 
steward
Posts: 3504
Location: Maine, zone 5
2087
8
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Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.

(ok, I'm better now)
 
Posts: 17
Location: Ontario, Canada
8
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What is white & crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice
 
master steward
Posts: 7743
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
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Ok, a farmer from Minnesota was out in his field when……. Wait a second …..weird….I just found a suppository in my ear!!!     Now, where did I put my hearing aid…
 
master steward
Posts: 14005
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8308
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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What do you tell a pig on February 14?

Happy Valen-swine's Day!
 
gardener
Posts: 2949
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
1505
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Row, row, row your boat,
gently under the stream
Ha, ha, I fooled you,
it's a submarine!
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15572
Location: SW Missouri
11342
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I hate to brag, but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15572
Location: SW Missouri
11342
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Good advice: if you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
 
Rusticator
Posts: 9315
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5040
7
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I took our priest a dozen eggs, this weekend - as our annual tithes.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9315
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5040
7
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Do you know why skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?



      Because they're... scent-i-mental.





(Don't hit me! Not the face! Not the face!)
 
gardener
Posts: 527
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
316
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I don't know who decided to spell February with an "r".

But my gut says it must be the same joker who put the "d" in Wednesday.
 
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin" the father replies.
"Who?" the son asks.
"Yeah," the dad responds, "I liked them too."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Soup is Witchcraft!

We put plants, spices and dead animals into a cauldron and follow instructions from a book written by old people.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I am a survivalist.
I can adapt to any situation.
I drank my morning coffee out of a soup bowl because there were no clean cups.
I thrive!
 
steward & author
Posts: 42972
Location: Left Coast Canada
16012
9
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What did the Swede say to the other Swede after seeing a wolf?

I don’t know, I don’t speak Swedish. Probably something like, “Look, a wolf.”

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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A Chef said:
Where there's fat there's flavor.
I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7743
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
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It finally dawned on me that with the Teslas and other self driving vehicles hitting the market ….  Well, I’m waiting for the country song about some guy’s pickup truck leaving him.
 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
Posts: 9315
Location: Missouri Ozarks
5040
7
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.
328667103_5803943383057453_7221373967069846175_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 328667103_5803943383057453_7221373967069846175_n.jpg]
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14005
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8308
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Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit?


He stopped to take a leek.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?


All that was left was de brie.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Do you know what Sin City is?
Yes, it's Las Vegas.
Well, do you know what Den City is?
No.
Mass over volume.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
 
K Eilander
gardener
Posts: 527
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
316
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When bears get married, do they exchange bearings?
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I don't pretend to be something I'm not.
Exept normal.  I've pretended to be normal a few times.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I used to think drinking was bad for me....

So I gave up thinking.
 
pollinator
Posts: 1202
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
527
6
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Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
Teach him to be a fish monger, he will become sell-some-fishes.
 
steward
Posts: 15938
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
5086
8
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?    Their middle name
 
Mike Haasl
steward
Posts: 15938
Location: Northern WI (zone 4)
5086
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The other day I spotted an albino dalmation.  It was the least I could do.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7743
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
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My wife took me salsa dancing.  I thought I would never get those tomato stains out of my clothes.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7743
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
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When I went out to feed the pigs this morning all but one ran up to me with the usual grunting and snorting.   I watched him for a while as he stood off in the far corner of the lot. Then I realized, he was disgruntled.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I ran out of coffee today.
Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement.
Everyone is so pretty today!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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Me:  "I am surprised by how winded I am from this exercise."

Trainer:  "That was just a tour of the gym."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3504
Location: Maine, zone 5
2087
8
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Dennis Barrow wrote:If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.


Well....I am still looking for that sock....
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7743
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
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I’ve been told that as I get older I can’t expect things to work as well, but things are really beginning to click for me …my jaw, my fingers, my knees …
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7743
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2865
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I certainly do not have a problem with coffee.  I have a problem without it.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14005
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
8308
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I went to a lousy bar called the Fiddler. It was a vile inn.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Getting my kite stuck in a tree is not one of my favourite childhood memories.

But it’s definitely up there.
 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14005
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What happens when you stand between two llamas?

You get llamanated.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 915
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
524
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I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra."
"That's a freebie."

What do you call the secret organization of tight-lipped Soviet honey makers?
The Cagey Bees

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

What do honeybees do in the winter? They do what anyone smart would do; they snuggle with their honey!

My friend is a beekeeper who comes from a long line of beekeepers.
He comes from old honey.

What is the last thing to go through a bee’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its stinger.
 
if you are good, then when you die, you will get seasons 2-10 of firefly - tiny ad
The new purple deck of permaculture playing cards
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards
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