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jokes

 
gardener
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World tounge-twisting champion was just arrested.
It is expected that he will be given a really tough sentence.
 
steward & bricolagier
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
 
Pearl Sutton
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A three legged dog walks into a saloon. He looks around the bar and then says in a challenging tone "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
 
Pearl Sutton
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A turtle was walking home one night when he was mugged by two snails.  When the police arrived on the scene they asked him to describe the assailants.  "Well now I'm not sure," said the turtle.  "It all happened so fast."
 
Pearl Sutton
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
What it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
Her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting, " the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
Wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
Husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
Those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
And she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
Married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
Circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
In her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
Why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
For the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 
gardener
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Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,

so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.
 
gardener
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My best friend in high school eventually gave up cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, and sex. He was incredibly healthy right up to his suicide.
 
Greg Martin
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Things That Never Happen in STAR TREK:
• The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
• The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
• The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
• An intruder is unable to figure out how to use the transporter.
• Someone attempts to hijack the Enterprise and is foiled by the alert and competent Security staff.
• An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
• A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
• The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
• McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."
 
Jay Angler
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What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
 
Jay Angler
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What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey!
 
pollinator
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
 
pioneer
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A farmer had a very randy rooster. It would do anything...chickens, ducks, rabbits, goats...it would nail anything. The dogs ran from him, the cats hissed and even the rats had left the farm.
The farmer told the rooster, "One of these days, rooster, that's gonna be the death of you."
The rooster paid him no mind and started after the horse and cows.
One day the farmer came out and found the randy rooster laying on his back in the barnyard, eyes closed and his feet in the air. Shaking his head, he said, "I told you, rooster, one of these days all this carrying on would be the death of you."
The rooster cracked open one eye, pointed skyward and said, "Shhh. Buzzards!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?
“Hey, you focaccia bread!”
 
Greg Martin
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When I was five years old I put my finger in a pencil sharpener, turned it a few times and almost passed out.
I realized at an early age that I wasn't that sharp.
 
John F Dean
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Hi Greg,

And Scotty says, “ Chill Captain, the engines are doing fine.”
 
Dennis Barrow
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Dentist: How did you manage to break these three teeth?
Man: My wife baked a bread that was too hard.
Dentist: You could have refused to eat it.
Man: That's exactly how this happened...
 
Dennis Barrow
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Media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in the Flintstones,

but I know for a fact that the people in Abu Dhabi do.
 
Pearl Sutton
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10 Reasons raising a toddler is like a frat party:

1. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

2. There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

3. It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

4. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door.

5. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

6. You've got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

7. There's definitely going to be a fight.

8. You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested.

9. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

10. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there
 
John F Dean
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Did you ever have one of those days when the supply of available curse words were insufficient to meet your needs?
 
Pearl Sutton
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There is an odd ball in every group and if you can't figure out who it is... then it's probably you.
 
Pearl Sutton
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET  12659 ---

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus,  I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 
John F Dean
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A man woke up and couldn’t find his alarm clock.  His wife told him it went off at 6:00. ........Salt Lake Herald, 1899.
 
Pearl Sutton
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
 
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being as it was so far out of town, found nowhere to stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 
Greg Martin
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There was a kidnapping at school yesterday.
Don’t worry, though - he woke up.
 
Greg Martin
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
 
Michael Dotson
pioneer
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A guy had a friend that always had beautiful women on his arm. The friend wasn't good looking or rich so the guy asked what was the secret.
After much cajoling and begging the friend relented and divulged his secret.
"What ya gotta do is wear speedos to the beach. Take a pair of socks and stuff them down in the speedos. The women will be all over you!"
The next day the guy went back to his friend very angry and ready to whoop some six. "I had guys kicking sand at me, women were screaming, kids were pointing and laughing. Even dogs were barking at me."
"Whoa and slow down now," said the friend, "tell me exactly what you did."
After the guy explained exactly what he did the friend said, "Oh, hell, I know what went wrong! You're supposed to stick those socks down the FRONT of your speedos!"
 
Pearl Sutton
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind
the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the lady yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
 
Pearl Sutton
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A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then  presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used  to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my  degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD..  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.  

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving  me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
Pearl Sutton
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His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots.'"

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?"
 
Pearl Sutton
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All the animals boarded Noah's Ark in pairs. Except the worms of course. They came in the apples.
 
John F Dean
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Some people age like wine.  I aged like milk ....I’ve gotten pretty chunky and sour.
 
Jay Angler
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If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.
 
Jay Angler
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A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks.

"Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird watcher replies."So if you think about it, it's just a matter of a pinion."
 
Jay Angler
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A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I was seven, I got the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with there being no Santa. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I have nothing to live for!”
 
Greg Martin
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I bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes?  “Relax mom…
you can just do them in the morning.”

You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.

Mom’s recipe for iced coffee:
Have kids.
Make coffee.
Forget you made coffee.
Put it in the microwave.
Forget you put it in the microwave.
Drink it cold.

 
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Location: British Columbia
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Greg Martin
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian....
well nobody's laughing now!
 
Michael Dotson
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Posts: 121
Location: NW Arkansas
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These guys were going to a costume party and decided to get one of those horse costumes that take two people. They got dressed in the suit and started walking toward the party. About halfway there was a field that would cut off several minutes if they cut straight across. They navigated the gate and started walking across the field.
"Uh oh," said the guy in front, "there's a stallion in this field and he's looking at us."
"Well keep going," said the guy in the rear, "pretend you're a horse."
"Uh oh," said the guy in the front, "that stallion is coming over here."
"Well, keep going," said the guy in the rear, "pretend you're a horse."
"Uh oh," said the guy in front, "that stallion has a huge erection."
"What are we gonna do?"
"Well, I'm gonna stand here and pretend I'm a horse," said the guy in front, "you'd better brace yourself."
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