Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few. His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"
Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are called into the dean's office at a university. But the dean is called out of the office leaving the three researchers by themselves. Suddenly, a fire ignites in the wastepaper basket.
The physicist quickly says "I got this. All we have to do is lower the temperature of the material until it is below the ignition temperature."
The Chemist says "No, I've got a better idea. Lets take away the fire's oxygen supply so it doesn't have one of its reactants."
As they are arguing the statistician starts running around the room setting everything on fire. The other men yell at him "What are you doing?!"
He replies "I'm just trying to get an adequate sample size."
Mr. Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day. Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”
“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks
“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the good doctor says.
“What’s the good news?” she asks.
“He’ll live” the doctor replies.
“So, what’s the bad news” she inquired.
“Well, he wasn’t wearing a helmet and he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”
A cowboy rides into town on his horse Fireball and goes right to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.
He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took Fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.
He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three, then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."
"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.
"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.
"Here it comes... THR..."
He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"
The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."
During a performance of the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole appeared in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But one of his friends in the back of the theater shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
(It's 95% of lawyers that give the 5% a bad name!)
There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it. Friends visited for the quiet and the fishing.
The engineer however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole and a new pair of shoes, and was all set.
He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. It was a great way to spend a hot afternoon.
The engineer and his family had been enjoying the cabin for years, and went out early in the spring. It had been a very wet winter, with lots of rain afterwards. When they arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual amount of current flowing.
The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, even though his wife thought it was too dangerous. He was a good swimmer however, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless. He hit the water in good form, but he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in debris on the side of the stream.
It was a sad end for the engineer. His family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.
Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted an electrical engineer, he would have been warned that it's not the vaultage that kills you, it's the current.