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jokes

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
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A bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'll have a gin
...
...
...
and tonic."

The bartender replies, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear replies, "I don't know, my dad had them too."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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I have come to realize there are a good many people out there I want to ki**.
(...answers may vary)

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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My wife and I are faced with a major decision.  Should we give the house a good cleaning today, or should we let the cobwebs grow for Halloween?

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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I have finally figured out why people go jogging in the morning.  It is their way to make sure their day won’t get any worse.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
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Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few. His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"

Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"

The man tells him, "About $200 a week."

The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"

One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are called into the dean's office at a university. But the dean is called out of the office leaving the three researchers by themselves. Suddenly, a fire ignites in the wastepaper basket.

The physicist quickly says "I got this. All we have to do is lower the temperature of the material until it is below the ignition temperature."

The Chemist says "No, I've got a better idea. Lets take away the fire's oxygen supply so it doesn't have one of its reactants."

As they are arguing the statistician starts running around the room setting everything on fire. The other men yell at him "What are you doing?!"

He replies "I'm just trying to get an adequate sample size."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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A guy from Mississippi goes to Connecticut and sees some girls. He asks them, "What college do y'all go to?"

One of them responds daintily, "Yale."

He replies, "WHAT COLLEGE DO Y'ALL GO TO!?"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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Four CEO's of beer companies are having a meeting and decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a  Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEO's ask him:
  "Why aren't you drinking Guinness?"

He answers:
  "If you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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What do you call a group of potatoes at a football game?
Spec-taters

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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Mr. Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day. Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the good doctor says.

“What’s the good news?” she asks.

“He’ll live” the doctor replies.

“So, what’s the bad news” she inquired.

“Well, he wasn’t wearing a helmet and he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 921
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
526
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Carrots may be good for your eyes....
But whiskey will double your vision.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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I am really embarrassed.  I always  thought the term “responsible drinking” meant not to spill any.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3529
Location: Maine, zone 5
2129
8
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Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease that I've ever seen.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Nancy Reading
steward and tree herder
Posts: 11797
Location: Isle of Skye, Scotland. Nearly 70 inches rain a year
5918
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Did you hear about the karate expert who joined the army?


The first time he saluted he nearly killed himself.


(Sorry, that’s my only joke!)

How Permies works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads
My projects on Skye: The tree field, Growing and landracing, perennial polycultures, "Don't dream it - be it! "

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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A grocer puts up a sign above his turkeys, "$5 each or $20 for three."

All day long people approach him outraged by his incorrect math, "It should be $15 for three, I'll just buy them separately."

All day people come buy and just buy them separately for less after yelling at him.

After one of his employees watch this go on all day he asks him, "Are you going to fix the sign or what?"

The grocer replies, "What do I need to fix? Before I put up the sign nobody bought three turkeys at one time!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Stacie Kim
gardener
Posts: 497
Location: Middle Georgia, Zone 8B
285
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What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

You'll see one later, and the other in a while.

Thanks, Y'all!

 
Stacie Kim
gardener
Posts: 497
Location: Middle Georgia, Zone 8B
285
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Thanks, Y'all!

 
Stacie Kim
gardener
Posts: 497
Location: Middle Georgia, Zone 8B
285
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In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Thanks, Y'all!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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A cowboy rides into town on his horse Fireball and goes right to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took Fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three, then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes... THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"



The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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What’s the leading cause of dry skin ? . . . . Towels

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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Nobody laughs at my science jokes, but I figure I’ll keep trying until I get a reaction.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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I hate double standards.  One flag is enough.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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During a performance of the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole appeared in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But one of his friends in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3529
Location: Maine, zone 5
2129
8
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An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

(It's 95% of lawyers that give the 5% a bad name!)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk.

"Buk", says the chicken,

The librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken then leaves.

Five minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk", says the chicken.

The librarian hands the chicken another book, and the chicken leaves again.

This goes on for seven or eight more times. Finally the librarian decides to take her break and follows the chicken.

The chicken goes behind the library to a pond. In the pond sits a frog on a lily pad.

The chicken throws the book into the pond. "Buk", says the chicken.

"Reddit", says the frog.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
thomas rubino
master rocket scientist
Posts: 6935
Location: latitude 47 N.W. montana zone 6A
3925
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A young girl askes her Mom .

Where does Poo come from?

As her daughter is very mature for her age... Mom decides to try to explain.

Well dear, when we eat dinner all the food goes into our belly.

In the Belly our body removes all the good things that we need to grow and be healthy.

The rest of what is left is Poo and that is what we flush down the toilet...

Being rather proud of herself Mom waits to see what her daughter has to say.

Her daughter stands with a winkled brow thinking about this...

Finally  she looks up at her Mom and says...     What about Tigger???
162844cec1fc4edb6f78e3a45ad53904.gif
[Thumbnail for 162844cec1fc4edb6f78e3a45ad53904.gif]

For all your Montana Masonry Heater parts (also known as) Rocket Mass heater parts.
Visit me at
dragontechrmh.com Once you go brick you will never go back!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting complicated surgery.

He insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

"Don't be nervous son, do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........  
your mother-in-law will come and live with you."

The surgery was one of the greatest successes in medical history!!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15755
Location: SW Missouri
11655
2
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There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it. Friends visited for the quiet and the fishing.

The engineer however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole and a new pair of shoes, and was all set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. It was a great way to spend a hot afternoon.

The engineer and his family had been enjoying the cabin for years, and went out early in the spring. It had been a very wet winter, with lots of rain afterwards. When they arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual amount of current flowing.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, even though his wife thought it was too dangerous. He was a good swimmer however, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless. He hit the water in good form, but he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in debris on the side of the stream.

It was a sad end for the engineer. His family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted an electrical engineer, he would have been warned that it's not the vaultage that kills you, it's the current.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 7995
Location: southern Illinois, USA
2998
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One of the other groups I belong to is is a Chess site.  I limit myself to 10 minute games.   If I get involved in a game without time limits, it turns onto online sedating.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Anne Miller
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source

Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
Dennis Barrow
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I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Many years ago I dated a model.  Eventually, she dumped me because I was too old fashioned.  I thought we had good alchemy.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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My wife and I got into a big argument about remodeling our dining room.  I thought it had finally been resolved. But when I came back from the lumber yard, I realized the tables had been turned.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Greg Martin
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My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."
I'm not sure what she's talking about.
I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
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With all the concern about climate change and the availability of water, I have been tinkering with a machine to extract water from plants.  It hasn’t worked out too great, but I have been making dew.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Pearl Sutton
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Today I learned that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from threats, and asserts dominance over other groups of koi.

And if the fish are attacked, the other three swim away, and the predator always goes for the D koi.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
the struggle IS the education. Wise old tiny ad:
Homestead Pigs Course
https://permies.com/wiki/365748/Homestead-Pigs
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