The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a football game and whoever won would be the greatest.
In the first half the animals just dominated. They had bears on the front line, deer to run the ball, badgers at linebacker, and eagles at defensive back. The animals led at halftime 48-0.
The insects were to receive to begin the second half and when the centipede caught the kickoff he raced 95 yards through the animals for a touchdown.
From that point on the centipede dominated. He made every tackle and intercepted passes on defense. And on offense every time he touched the ball he broke free for a touchdown. None of the animals could keep up with this 100 legged creature.
Midway through the fourth quarter the insects were ahead 84-48 and coasting to victory.
The grasshopper rushed up to the centipede and shouted, "Man, you're great. Where were you in the first half?"
"Getting my cleats on."
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
The doctor diagnosed me with diabetes and put me on Metformin and told me I would be on it for the rest of my life. I admit I was a little shook when I picked up the bottle from the pharmacy and it said no refills.
Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain
A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how old the formation was.
The farmer says "In fact, I do! It's a million and 7 years old"
The geologist stunned a bit says "That's oddly specific, how do you know that?"
The farmer replies "Well, another feller like you came to look at this same rock and he said it was a million years old. And that was 7 years ago."
A man and his wife pull up outside a grocery store and park. They see a blond woman at the coke machine put a quarter in and get a coke. They are about to get out of the car and go in, but they pause and watch as the blond puts in another quarter and gets a second coke. They are stupefied as she continues putting in quarters and getting cokes. Finally they get out of the car and rather incredulously ask her, "lady, what are you doing? Don't you know they sell cokes cheaper inside the store??" She rolls her eyes and replies: "well duh, I'm winning!"
"... And being swept along is not enough." R.M. Rilke