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jokes

 
Marie Abell
pollinator
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What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?



Time to get a new fence.

"... And being swept along is not enough." R.M. Rilke

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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I don't fart.

It's just a whisper in my pants.

Well, sometimes it is a scream.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8644
Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I admit, my mind is twisted.   Our local city park has a number of trees with initials carved into them or comments like “ Joe loves Linda”.  Why do so many people bring knives on dates?

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to research, implement and make design changes."

"Husband #2 was an older gentleman. He certainly had the intentions and knew how to do it, but when the time came, always fell asleep."

"Husband #3 was a College Professor, he had all sorts of great ideas and talked a big story, but had never been out in the world and preferred talking to doing."

"Husband #4 was a Politician.  He made all kinds of incredible promises of how he would make my dreams come true, but could never fulfill his promises."

"Husband #5 was a Gynecologist.  All he did was look at.:"

"But now I have married you and I am so excited."  

The husband asked, "Why?"

"Because you work for the IRS and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
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560
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A rubber band gun was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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The butcher backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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Two silk worms had a race.  

They ended up in a tie.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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560
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I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My neighbors listen to really good music....

Whether they like it or not....

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a football game and whoever won would be the greatest.
In the first half the animals just dominated. They had bears on the front line, deer to run the ball, badgers at linebacker, and eagles at defensive back. The animals led at halftime 48-0.
The insects were to receive to begin the second half and when the centipede caught the kickoff he raced 95 yards through the animals for a touchdown.
From that point on the centipede dominated. He made every tackle and intercepted passes on defense. And on offense every time he touched the ball he broke free for a touchdown. None of the animals could keep up with this 100 legged creature.
Midway through the fourth quarter the insects were ahead 84-48 and coasting to victory.
The grasshopper rushed up to the centipede and shouted, "Man, you're great. Where were you in the first half?"
"Getting my cleats on."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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I visited a haunted Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Wings would fly about, drumsticks were running around!
Very Scary Indeed !!
Turns out they had a poultrygeist.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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At a Texas steak house, by the bathrooms, I encountered an anxious and puzzled young lady. "I'm so glad you are here! Am I a steer or a heifer? I don't know which bathroom to use!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16190
Location: SW Missouri
12551
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Yes, autocorrect, I definitely meant to offer a monkey-back guarantee.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15617
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10010
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Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.
The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"

The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Given infinite time, a million monkeys with a million typewriters
will eventually become a very creepy room filled with
an equal count of typewriters and monkey skeletons.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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10 little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and broke his head.

Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

...

6 little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and broke his head.

Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"I'm calling social services."

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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The creator of predictive text died today
His funfair is next Monkey

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 968
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
560
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I wanted to get a raven.

Store owner said Poe me they will carry them Nevermore

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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560
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8644
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3529
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One of my first real jobs was running a support group for hypochondriacs.  They all called in sick but showed up anyway.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I proposed to my wife on St Pats day. When I showed her the ring with the artificial diamond, she accused me of giving her a sham rock.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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The doctor diagnosed me with diabetes and put me on Metformin and told me I would be on it for the rest of my life.  I admit I was a little shook when I picked up the bottle from the pharmacy and it said no refills.

You can only be young once … but you can be immature forever!

 
L. Johnson
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Old man in a nursing home is sitting on a bench in the hallway.

He starts tilting to the left, and immediately a nurse walking by helps set him back up straight.

He starts tilting to the right, and a helpful family member of one of the other residents helps him back up.

He starts tilting again to the left, and it seems no one is around to help but a swift nurse races to his aid.

"There you go sir." She says to find him much disgruntled.

"Can't a man just be let alone to fart in peace?!"

一期一会

 
Greg Martin
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2209
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A farmer died when his gigantic prize winning pumpkin crushed him while being unloading from his truck...
the cause of death was listed as "gourd to death. "

(alternate listing...."he was squashed")

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they like to eat the fingers separately.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Why did the game warden ticket the ghost on halloween?

He didn't have a haunting license.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
Only one can be unscrewed.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16190
Location: SW Missouri
12551
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Student: Would you ever punish someone for something they didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Student: Okay good, because my homework isn't done yet.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16190
Location: SW Missouri
12551
2
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A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how old the formation was.

The farmer says "In fact, I do! It's a million and 7 years old"

The geologist stunned a bit says "That's oddly specific, how do you know that?"

The farmer replies "Well, another feller like you came to look at this same rock and he said it was a million years old. And that was 7 years ago."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 15617
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10010
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What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Being a farmer isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
K Eilander
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Since halloween is coming up...

Q. What kind of cake does a ghost have for his birthday?
A.  A sheet cake!

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Marie Abell
pollinator
Posts: 130
Location: Chilean Patagonia
66
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A man and his wife pull up outside a grocery store and park. They see a blond woman at the coke machine put a quarter in and get a coke. They are about to get out of the car and go in, but they pause and watch as the blond puts in another quarter and gets a second coke. They are stupefied as she continues putting in quarters and getting cokes. Finally they get out of the car and rather incredulously ask her, "lady, what are you doing? Don't you know they sell cokes cheaper inside the store??" She rolls her eyes and replies: "well duh, I'm winning!"

"... And being swept along is not enough." R.M. Rilke

 
Greg Martin
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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
If you send it by car it's a shipment, but if by ship it's cargo. This tiny ad told me:
Escape to a permaculture life in Montana
https://wheaton-labs.com/bootcamp
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