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jokes

 
pollinator
Posts: 110
Location: Chilean Patagonia
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What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?



Time to get a new fence.
 
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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I don't fart.

It's just a whisper in my pants.

Well, sometimes it is a scream.
 
master gardener
Posts: 3634
Location: southern Illinois.
1062
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I admit, my mind is twisted.   Our local city park has a number of trees with initials carved into them or comments like “ Joe loves Linda”.  Why do so many people bring knives on dates?
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8723
Location: SW Missouri
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to research, implement and make design changes."

"Husband #2 was an older gentleman. He certainly had the intentions and knew how to do it, but when the time came, always fell asleep."

"Husband #3 was a College Professor, he had all sorts of great ideas and talked a big story, but had never been out in the world and preferred talking to doing."

"Husband #4 was a Politician.  He made all kinds of incredible promises of how he would make my dreams come true, but could never fulfill his promises."

"Husband #5 was a Gynecologist.  All he did was look at.:"

"But now I have married you and I am so excited."  

The husband asked, "Why?"

"Because you work for the IRS and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
195
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A rubber band gun was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
195
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The butcher backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
195
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Two silk worms had a race.  

They ended up in a tie.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
195
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I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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My neighbors listen to really good music....

Whether they like it or not....
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a football game and whoever won would be the greatest.
In the first half the animals just dominated. They had bears on the front line, deer to run the ball, badgers at linebacker, and eagles at defensive back. The animals led at halftime 48-0.
The insects were to receive to begin the second half and when the centipede caught the kickoff he raced 95 yards through the animals for a touchdown.
From that point on the centipede dominated. He made every tackle and intercepted passes on defense. And on offense every time he touched the ball he broke free for a touchdown. None of the animals could keep up with this 100 legged creature.
Midway through the fourth quarter the insects were ahead 84-48 and coasting to victory.
The grasshopper rushed up to the centipede and shouted, "Man, you're great. Where were you in the first half?"
"Getting my cleats on."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
195
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I visited a haunted Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Wings would fly about, drumsticks were running around!
Very Scary Indeed !!
Turns out they had a poultrygeist.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8723
Location: SW Missouri
4344
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At a Texas steak house, by the bathrooms, I encountered an anxious and puzzled young lady. "I'm so glad you are here! Am I a steer or a heifer? I don't know which bathroom to use!"
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8723
Location: SW Missouri
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Yes, autocorrect, I definitely meant to offer a monkey-back guarantee.
 
master gardener
Posts: 5484
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
2128
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Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.
The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"

The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 5484
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
2128
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Given infinite time, a million monkeys with a million typewriters
will eventually become a very creepy room filled with
an equal count of typewriters and monkey skeletons.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 5484
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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10 little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and broke his head.

Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

...

6 little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and broke his head.

Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"I'm calling social services."
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 5484
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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The creator of predictive text died today
His funfair is next Monkey
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
195
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I wanted to get a raven.

Store owner said Poe me they will carry them Nevermore
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3634
Location: southern Illinois.
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One of my first real jobs was running a support group for hypochondriacs.  They all called in sick but showed up anyway.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3634
Location: southern Illinois.
1062
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I proposed to my wife on St Pats day. When I showed her the ring with the artificial diamond, she accused me of giving her a sham rock.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3634
Location: southern Illinois.
1062
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The doctor diagnosed me with diabetes and put me on Metformin and told me I would be on it for the rest of my life.  I admit I was a little shook when I picked up the bottle from the pharmacy and it said no refills.
 
gardener
Posts: 533
Location: Japan, roughly zone 9b - wet and warm climate
218
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Old man in a nursing home is sitting on a bench in the hallway.

He starts tilting to the left, and immediately a nurse walking by helps set him back up straight.

He starts tilting to the right, and a helpful family member of one of the other residents helps him back up.

He starts tilting again to the left, and it seems no one is around to help but a swift nurse races to his aid.

"There you go sir." She says to find him much disgruntled.

"Can't a man just be let alone to fart in peace?!"
 
steward
Posts: 2776
Location: Maine, zone 5
1354
3
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A farmer died when his gigantic prize winning pumpkin crushed him while being unloading from his truck...
the cause of death was listed as "gourd to death. "

(alternate listing...."he was squashed")
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2776
Location: Maine, zone 5
1354
3
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they like to eat the fingers separately.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 340
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Why did the game warden ticket the ghost on halloween?

He didn't have a haunting license.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8723
Location: SW Missouri
4344
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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
Only one can be unscrewed.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8723
Location: SW Missouri
4344
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Student: Would you ever punish someone for something they didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Student: Okay good, because my homework isn't done yet.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8723
Location: SW Missouri
4344
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A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how old the formation was.

The farmer says "In fact, I do! It's a million and 7 years old"

The geologist stunned a bit says "That's oddly specific, how do you know that?"

The farmer replies "Well, another feller like you came to look at this same rock and he said it was a million years old. And that was 7 years ago."
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 5484
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
Posts: 5484
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
2128
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Being a farmer isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.
 
pollinator
Posts: 198
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
69
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Since halloween is coming up...

Q. What kind of cake does a ghost have for his birthday?
A.  A sheet cake!
 
Marie Abell
pollinator
Posts: 110
Location: Chilean Patagonia
54
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A man and his wife pull up outside a grocery store and park. They see a blond woman at the coke machine put a quarter in and get a coke. They are about to get out of the car and go in, but they pause and watch as the blond puts in another quarter and gets a second coke. They are stupefied as she continues putting in quarters and getting cokes. Finally they get out of the car and rather incredulously ask her, "lady, what are you doing? Don't you know they sell cokes cheaper inside the store??" She rolls her eyes and replies: "well duh, I'm winning!"
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2776
Location: Maine, zone 5
1354
3
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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2776
Location: Maine, zone 5
1354
3
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A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
1354
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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
 
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