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jokes

 
master gardener
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I bumped into a study that found that dogs can identify prostate cancer with 98% accuracy.  The same study found cats have 100% accuracy, but 78% of the time they ignore it.
 
steward & bricolagier
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A man goes to the doctor
Patient: Doc, I have this problem, I can't stop singing either 'The Green Green Grass of Home' or 'Delilah'.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a severe case of 'Tom Jones syndrome'.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: It's not unusual!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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My conscience is clean.  It has never been used.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, "That's great! I guess I have a serious drinking opportunity!"
 
gardener
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Where do you weigh a pie?







Sooomewheeeerrrre ooover the rainbooowww....





(You're welcome, Greg)
Staff note (Greg Martin) :

Thank you Carla

 
pollinator
Posts: 149
Location: Oregon zone 8b
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What kind of plants grow in bathrooms?
Toilet trees.
 
master pollinator
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Brain cells come, and brain cells go...

But why do fat cells live forever?
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Interviewer: "So tell me about yourself".
Me: "I rather not, I kinda want this job".
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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My favorite childhood memory is having energy.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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If I got 50 cents for every math test I failed, I would have $5.20 now!
 
master steward
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I just competed in the suntanning olympics,

but I only got bronze.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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What's the difference between a good burger and a shooting star?

The burger is very meaty, but the other is a little meteor.
 
John F Dean
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978
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What did the 0 say to the 8?   ...  Nice belt.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, killing any" she asked.

"Yup. 3 males and 2 females" he said.

Intrigued she asked "How can you tell the apart?"

He responded:
  "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never let her down.
He will comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.
He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ...

No wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind....... 😉
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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You know the difference between a welder and a farmer... a welder doesn’t think he can farm..
 
Greg Martin
master steward
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The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city.

The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw.

We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack!  

I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel!  

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.”
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8199
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Two guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other dude, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You twit!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"


:D
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long?

A πthon
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, the perp was alone. Alone for a long time
 
gardener
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I’ve heard of helicopter parents…

But I’ve yet to meet a baby helicopter.

 
Jay Angler
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In democracy your vote counts.

In feudalism your count votes.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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I am confused why so many people have to get ready to go to bed.  I am always ready to go to bed.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?   Nothing.  They fast!
 
John F Dean
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978
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Signs you have been in Minnesota too long.

1.  You mistake mosquitoes for birds,

2. You think the purpose of a SWAT is to deal with those mosquitoes.

3.  Oil leaks from your boots when you walk.
 
J.B. Iler
pollinator
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I have a fear of overly engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.
 
J.B. Iler
pollinator
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How do you describe a cow that just had a baby?

Decalfinated.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today!

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “you may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “that you are sitting in my seat.”
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug.

What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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An 'Apple a Day' is bullcrap.

Just look at Eve, Snow White or any pig at a luau....
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
Location: southern Illinois.
978
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I have commented in other places on this site that I have seldom gotten along with my family.  When I was quite young I was kidnapped.  My captors cut off my little finger and sent it to my parents as proof they had me.  My parents responded that they wanted to see more evidence.
 
Greg Martin
master steward
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Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony,
while eating too much pie is not a thing....the sin of pi is always zero.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Did you ants never get sick?

It is because they have little Anty Bodies.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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I only need 6 hours of sleep at night and 10 hours during the day.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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You know what I want out of a relationship?  I want to be real close to someone who will leave me alone.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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My father was pretty working class .  It seems lessons were always tough.... I mean, he taught me how to swim by throwing be out of a boat.   I did put enough distance between the past and present to have a good conversation with him.  I thanked him for those tough lessons  .... especially thr swimming lesson.  He looked confused and said, “I wasn’t trying to teach you to swim.”
gift
 
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