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jokes

 
K Eilander
gardener
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Organizing a hide-and-seek tournament can be tricky
because good players are hard to find.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I am not talking to myself!!   I am self-employed, and we are having a staff meeting.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Jay Angler
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What do you get if you cross a goose with a cow?


A Mooooooose!

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Jay Angler
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What kind of clothes are made with Australian goose feathers?

Down Under wear

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Jay Angler
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What do Canadians call slanted fake news about geese?


Propa gander.

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Carla Burke
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I've just released my own fragrance, but nobody in the car seemed to like it.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
John F Dean
master steward
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If anyone is interested, I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble in Carbondale Illinois tomorrow until 6:00 PM .....  or until security removes me.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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So, I encountered a really strange sight yesterday.  I stopped by a new neighbor and he was rubbbing himself against his Kabota.  He was embarrassed when he realized I was there, so he explained.  He said he and his wife had not been getting along, so their therapist suggested that he do something sexy to a tractor.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I was talking to a friend today about our favorite fantasy car.  I have always loved Morgan’s, but he surprised me when he said he wanted a Delorean. But as I thought about it as I was driving home, I figured that if I had one, I would probably drive it from time to time.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Jay Angler
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Three guys are in a bar talking about their cars:

First guy: Well, I'm a astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.

Second guy: Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.

Third guy: I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist so I drive a brown Probe.

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John F Dean
master steward
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There I was going through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining.....but I finally accepted it was morning and time to get up.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A centipede.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I tried to find a cow joke that was udderly hilarious that I could milk for a while.  Anyway, I tried one on my wife and she was not amoosed.  She said I butchered it.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Why wouldn’t the hen sit on her eggs?  She mislaid them.

What side of a chicken has the most feathers?  The outside.

Why these chicken jokes?  Egg jokes aren’t what they are cracked up to be.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Greg Martin
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Woman:  I just found out I have a half-sister!
Man:  Different fathers?
Woman:  Shark attack.

(Much like her half-sister, I did not see that ending coming)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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It was a famous case in one of the small mining towns of the old west.  Joe was brought in on an assault charge. The state brought into court the weapons used: A huge pole, a a dagger, a pair of shears, a saw and a gun. Andrew's counsel brought in the complainant's weapons: A scythe, a hoe, an axe, a shovel and a pair of tongs.
The testimony was given, the jury debated.
The jury filed back in. The foreman read from the paper in his hand "We the jury would have given $5.00 to have seen that fight."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
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Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

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Carla Burke
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.
279275305_3183012011954567_2039760691456047825_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 279275305_3183012011954567_2039760691456047825_n.jpg]

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Jay Angler
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A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

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Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I will never be "Over The Hill".
I'm to darned tired to climb it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My wife said, "Watcha doin today?".
I said, "Nothin".
She said, "You did that yesterday".
I said, "I wasn't finished".

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Hi Dennis,

I understand the over the hill problem.  My wife wanted me to run upstairs with her for some time in bed.   I told her she would have to chose one.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I hate control freaks, and you should too!

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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What is artificial light made of?   Fauxtons!

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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For my musician friends - did you know Mozart hated chickens? Yeah, it’s because they say Bach, Bach, Bach‼️

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Jay Angler
steward
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A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”
The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

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Jay Angler
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

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John F Dean
master steward
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I was watching a really interesting show on Quantum Physics last night.  I turned it off because I didn’t want to affect the outcome.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I sent my Master Mouser to find me some books on Chemistry.  Yes, I gave my catalyst.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Nancy Reading
steward and tree herder
Posts: 11797
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John F Dean wrote:I hate control freaks, and you should too!



I can't stand intolerance.

How Permies works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads
My projects on Skye: The tree field, Growing and landracing, perennial polycultures, "Don't dream it - be it! "

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Q: What game should you never play with an elephant?
A: Squash.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Mike Haasl
steward
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Dark humor is like food.
Some people get it, some don't.

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I was in the Big City yesterday.   I was walking past an alley when a homeless man approached me for a handout.   All I had on me was a $20.00, and I didn’t want it to go to whiskey or a loose woman.   So, I gave it to him.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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My wife was making bread today.  I asked her why she punched it so much. She said it was a gluten for punishment.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
steward
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Teacher: “What’s the chemical formula for water?”

Student: “HIJKLMNO!”

Teacher: “What are you talking about?

Student: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O.”

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John F Dean
master steward
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I asked my wife how she always managed to make great bread.  I told her I always wanted to but somehow failed. She explained that wanting wasn’t good enough; I had to knead it.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Greg Martin
steward
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I'm tired of people complaining about $7 beers, $10 parking and a $20 cover charge.
If you don't like it stop coming to my house!!!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
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I have a terrible fear of speed bumps...

I am slowly getting over it

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
steward
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What did the rain drop feel when it hit the window?

The pane.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Because ice cream has no bones. But feel this tiny ad:
Freaky Cheap Heat - 2 hour movie - HD streaming
https://permies.com/wiki/238453/Freaky-Cheap-Heat-hour-movie
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