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jokes

 
pollinator
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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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Organizing a hide-and-seek tournament can be tricky
because good players are hard to find.
 
master gardener
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I am not talking to myself!!   I am self-employed, and we are having a staff meeting.
 
master gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What do you get if you cross a goose with a cow?


A Mooooooose!
 
Jay Angler
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What kind of clothes are made with Australian goose feathers?

Down Under wear
 
Jay Angler
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What do Canadians call slanted fake news about geese?


Propa gander.
 
master gardener
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I've just released my own fragrance, but nobody in the car seemed to like it.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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If anyone is interested, I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble in Carbondale Illinois tomorrow until 6:00 PM .....  or until security removes me.
 
John F Dean
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So, I encountered a really strange sight yesterday.  I stopped by a new neighbor and he was rubbbing himself against his Kabota.  He was embarrassed when he realized I was there, so he explained.  He said he and his wife had not been getting along, so their therapist suggested that he do something sexy to a tractor.
 
John F Dean
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I was talking to a friend today about our favorite fantasy car.  I have always loved Morgan’s, but he surprised me when he said he wanted a Delorean. But as I thought about it as I was driving home, I figured that if I had one, I would probably drive it from time to time.
 
Jay Angler
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Three guys are in a bar talking about their cars:

First guy: Well, I'm a astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.

Second guy: Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.

Third guy: I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist so I drive a brown Probe.
 
John F Dean
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There I was going through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining.....but I finally accepted it was morning and time to get up.
 
John F Dean
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What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A centipede.
 
John F Dean
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I tried to find a cow joke that was udderly hilarious that I could milk for a while.  Anyway, I tried one on my wife and she was not amoosed.  She said I butchered it.
 
John F Dean
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Why wouldn’t the hen sit on her eggs?  She mislaid them.

What side of a chicken has the most feathers?  The outside.

Why these chicken jokes?  Egg jokes aren’t what they are cracked up to be.
 
steward
Posts: 2937
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Woman:  I just found out I have a half-sister!
Man:  Different fathers?
Woman:  Shark attack.

(Much like her half-sister, I did not see that ending coming)
 
steward & bricolagier
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Location: SW Missouri
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It was a famous case in one of the small mining towns of the old west.  Joe was brought in on an assault charge. The state brought into court the weapons used: A huge pole, a a dagger, a pair of shears, a saw and a gun. Andrew's counsel brought in the complainant's weapons: A scythe, a hoe, an axe, a shovel and a pair of tongs.
The testimony was given, the jury debated.
The jury filed back in. The foreman read from the paper in his hand "We the jury would have given $5.00 to have seen that fight."
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
 
Carla Burke
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.
279275305_3183012011954567_2039760691456047825_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 279275305_3183012011954567_2039760691456047825_n.jpg]
 
Jay Angler
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A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
 
pollinator
Posts: 445
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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I will never be "Over The Hill".
I'm to darned tired to climb it.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My wife said, "Watcha doin today?".
I said, "Nothin".
She said, "You did that yesterday".
I said, "I wasn't finished".
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Hi Dennis,

I understand the over the hill problem.  My wife wanted me to run upstairs with her for some time in bed.   I told her she would have to chose one.
 
John F Dean
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I hate control freaks, and you should too!
 
John F Dean
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What is artificial light made of?   Fauxtons!
 
Carla Burke
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For my musician friends - did you know Mozart hated chickens? Yeah, it’s because they say Bach, Bach, Bach‼️
 
Jay Angler
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A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”
The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”
 
Jay Angler
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”
 
John F Dean
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I was watching a really interesting show on Quantum Physics last night.  I turned it off because I didn’t want to affect the outcome.
 
John F Dean
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I sent my Master Mouser to find me some books on Chemistry.  Yes, I gave my catalyst.
 
master gardener
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Location: Isle of Skye, Scotland
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John F Dean wrote:I hate control freaks, and you should too!



I can't stand intolerance.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Q: What game should you never play with an elephant?
A: Squash.
 
steward
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Dark humor is like food.
Some people get it, some don't.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I was in the Big City yesterday.   I was walking past an alley when a homeless man approached me for a handout.   All I had on me was a $20.00, and I didn’t want it to go to whiskey or a loose woman.   So, I gave it to him.
 
John F Dean
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My wife was making bread today.  I asked her why she punched it so much. She said it was a gluten for punishment.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.
 
Jay Angler
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Teacher: “What’s the chemical formula for water?”

Student: “HIJKLMNO!”

Teacher: “What are you talking about?

Student: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O.”
 
John F Dean
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I asked my wife how she always managed to make great bread.  I told her I always wanted to but somehow failed. She explained that wanting wasn’t good enough; I had to knead it.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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I'm tired of people complaining about $7 beers, $10 parking and a $20 cover charge.
If you don't like it stop coming to my house!!!
 
Greg Martin
steward
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I have a terrible fear of speed bumps...

I am slowly getting over it

 
Jay Angler
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What did the rain drop feel when it hit the window?

The pane.
 
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