• Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com pie forums private forums all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Anne Miller
  • Nicole Alderman
  • Pearl Sutton
  • r ranson
stewards:
  • paul wheaton
  • Mike Haasl
  • Burra Maluca
master gardeners:
  • Greg Martin
  • jordan barton
  • Carla Burke
  • Leigh Tate
gardeners:
  • Jay Angler
  • John F Dean
  • Steve Thorn

jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit him!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out.  
Well played Dad, well played
 
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?
You have been germinated.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 11
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?
It's a harrowing experience.

I feel really bad for cucumber seeds...
If they're unlucky, they could really get themselves in a pickle.

I bought a bag of bird seed and I'm SO disappointed...
Not a single bird grew after I planted it.
 
master gardener
Posts: 2522
Location: Maine, zone 5
1149
2
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous".
-Crow T. Robot
(though to be fair....Yogi Berra said it first)
 
gardener
Posts: 319
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
173
forest garden fungi foraging trees urban chicken medical herbs ungarbage
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why does Sean Connery like going to costco for his small animal bedding so much?
Because of all the shavings!

What did Sean Connery order at Salt and Pepa's new restaurant?
Shoup.
 
gardener
Posts: 2935
Location: southern Illinois.
808
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation bee solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A world full of tax cheats is no place for my 32 dependents to have to live in.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake?
A motor goat

Which side of the sheep has more wool?
The outside.

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?
A lambslide

What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?
Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding hooves behind them and a goat goes flying past them and jumps right into the hole.

A few seconds later, they hear a farmer calling out for his goat. "Betsy! Betsy!"

He sees the two hunters and asks if they had seen his goat Betsy."Yeah", they say, "She ran right passed us at like 80 miles and hour and jumped right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible, the man says, "I had her chained to an anvil!”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.
At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.
"40," the dog barked.
"40? I counted 37."
"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."
 
gardener
Posts: 4490
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1667
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?


Fowl play!
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 4490
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1667
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why do birds always congregate on power wires?



So they can hang out with their friends online.
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 4490
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1667
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.



Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.
 
Heather Sharpe
gardener
Posts: 319
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
173
forest garden fungi foraging trees urban chicken medical herbs ungarbage
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why'd the librarian redirect Sean Connery to IKEA?

Because he said he was looking for shelf help.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 2935
Location: southern Illinois.
808
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation bee solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I considered making a will, but that would be a dead give away.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 2935
Location: southern Illinois.
808
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation bee solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I mentioned before about falling off a roof. After coming so close to death, the world really looked different to me. Then, I found my contacts.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 2935
Location: southern Illinois.
808
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation bee solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How in the world can people be identified by their dental records?  If we don’t know who they are, how do we know who their dentist is?!!
 
pioneer
Posts: 203
Location: NW Arkansas
45
goat fish hunting chicken pig homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
This platoon of Marines were marching through the desert when they spied a sailor standing on a dune flipping them off and calling them names. Well, the platoon leader just couldn't have that so he sent 2 Marines to teach this sailor a lesson. They ran around the dune as wild young Marines are apt to do and the most gawd awful racket began. There were screams of terror, sounds of clothing being ripped and the faint murmur of "Mama" could be heard. The sailor appeared at the top of the dune with the two unconscious Marines beaten terribly. He laughed louder and gave a double birdie to the astonished Marines below.
There was no sailor on this planet was gonna take out two Marines and walk away clean so the platoon leader sent four Marines with the instructions to teach the sailor a lesson he would never forget. They surrounded the dune according to their battle craft and went in. A terrible commotion began with screams of pain, bones breaking and the sounds of a thumb being sucked on. A few minutes later the sailor appeared on the top of the dune with four unconscious Marines beaten very badly. He could barely contain his laughter so, he dropped trou and mooned the bewildered Marines below.
The platoon leader didn't know what kind of mojo this sailor had but he was gonna have eight Marines go in swinging, kicking, biting and pinching. The Marines went in like hay rakes, kicking and biting. The most terrible sounds began almost immediately. There was clothing being torn, teeth being broken and the screams of men fighting a battle they knew they were gonna loose but they weren't gonna back down for nothing. The platoon leader and the rest of the men were cheering their Marines on, knowing the battle would soon be over for that insolent sailor. A bloody arm appeared at the top of the dune and a torn, broken Marine climbed over the top. He screamed to his platoon leader below, "Don't send any more Marines, Sarge. It's a trap! there are TWO of them!!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant? What's on the outside? K9P.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was completely engulfed in flames. It took them three hours to douse the fire completely.

After the smoke cleared a bit the Chief and a few investigators made their way in to survey the damage. When they made their way to the back of the dark tavern, they noticed what appeared to be...could it be? There were two old drunks sitting there just chatting away about the good old days back in the home country.

The chief approached the two, completely in shock that anyone could possibly be in there and alive, assuming all got out. He walked up to them in a daze, stunned by the fact that a person was inside the building that he just watched burn for three hours and asked: "Well, what happened? How did this fire start?:

Old drunk replied "Beats me, it was already on fire when we got here"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 10
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give 50,000 Euros to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 Euros to the fire department who could save the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 Euros, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Well," said Paddy Murphy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fecking truck!"
 
Michael Dotson
pioneer
Posts: 203
Location: NW Arkansas
45
goat fish hunting chicken pig homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
So, this is a practical joke I pulled on my very good hearted wife.

She bought a reading light sconce and wanted it mounted above the bed on the wall within easy reach. While testing my install I noted the lamp switch is one of the three position type. You turned it two clicks and bn it lit up. You turned it two more clicks and it shut off.
We ran out of incandescent bulbs and got the twisted up fluorescent kind that took a couple of seconds to light up.
She was in the bathroom oiling herself or peeling something off, whatever women get up to in there, and I reached up and turn the switch one click. She comes in and turns it two clicks...nothing. After several failed attempts to get it lit, she cussed it and turned it over to me to fix.
Next evening amd several days after that it worked like a charm. Then one night it didn't work. She said words I didn't know she knew and banged it on the wall.
This went on for several months. She only asked me once what I did to fix it. I gave her a convoluted very technical answer. The rammerstat and flux capacitor didn't have a good termination to the rheostat.
One night, laying in bed, cuddled in each other's arms, I couldn't help myself. I threw myself under the bus and confessed.
For a long time she didn't say anything at first. She got up on one elbow with that, 'oh, no you dint' look and almost growled when she said, "I thought that f*#@ing thing was broke all this time."
I was howling with tears running down my face. She was not amused!
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 235
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
108
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dummy. It tell me someone stolen tent.
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 2522
Location: Maine, zone 5
1149
2
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Did you hear that scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves.
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 2522
Location: Maine, zone 5
1149
2
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why are lambs such bad drivers?

They love making ewe turns.
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 2522
Location: Maine, zone 5
1149
2
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awesome !!!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
All the animals boarded Noah's Ark in pairs. Except the worms of course. They came in the apples.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I just got a brand new chainsaw...

It's cutting-hedge technology!
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 4490
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1667
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for a job

O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"...

The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.'

You wrote - 'Neither do I'
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 4490
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1667
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 11
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 2935
Location: southern Illinois.
808
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation bee solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
They have developed a new medication by combining Ducolax and Viagra.   It’s called Easy Come/Easy Go.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 12
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Two young boys were sitting on a park bench, eating Cheetos and having a chat when a truck loaded with huge rolls of sod drove by.

The first little boy looked at it and said to the other "Someday, when I'm rich, I'm going to do that."

The other boy said "Do what?"

The first boy replied "Send my lawn out to have it mowed."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 15
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7607
Location: SW Missouri
3621
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How  do you survive a all out attack from a mob of street performers, clowns and mimes?

You go for their juggler!  
 
I once met a man from Nantucket. He had a tiny ad
Solar Dehydrator Plans - Combo Package download
https://permies.com/t/solar-dehydrator
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic