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Pearl Sutton

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posted 5 years ago

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I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit him!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

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posted 5 years ago

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When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out.
Well played Dad, well played

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?
You have been germinated.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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posted 5 years ago

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Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?
It's a harrowing experience.

I feel really bad for cucumber seeds...
If they're unlucky, they could really get themselves in a pickle.

I bought a bag of bird seed and I'm SO disappointed...
Not a single bird grew after I planted it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Greg Martin

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posted 5 years ago

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"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous".
-Crow T. Robot
(though to be fair....Yogi Berra said it first)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Heather Sharpe

gardener

Posts: 828

Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam

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posted 5 years ago

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Why does Sean Connery like going to costco for his small animal bedding so much?
Because of all the shavings!

What did Sean Connery order at Salt and Pepa's new restaurant?
Shoup.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

John F Dean

master steward

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posted 5 years ago

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A world full of tax cheats is no place for my 32 dependents to have to live in.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake?
A motor goat

Which side of the sheep has more wool?
The outside.

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?
A lambslide

What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?
Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding hooves behind them and a goat goes flying past them and jumps right into the hole.

A few seconds later, they hear a farmer calling out for his goat. "Betsy! Betsy!"

He sees the two hunters and asks if they had seen his goat Betsy."Yeah", they say, "She ran right passed us at like 80 miles and hour and jumped right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible, the man says, "I had her chained to an anvil!”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 982

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.
At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.
"40," the dog barked.
"40? I counted 37."
"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

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posted 5 years ago

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What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play!

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Jay Angler

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Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

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Jay Angler

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I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

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Heather Sharpe

gardener

Posts: 828

Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam

595

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Why'd the librarian redirect Sean Connery to IKEA?

Because he said he was looking for shelf help.

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I considered making a will, but that would be a dead give away.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

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I mentioned before about falling off a roof. After coming so close to death, the world really looked different to me. Then, I found my contacts.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

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How in the world can people be identified by their dental records? If we don’t know who they are, how do we know who their dentist is?!!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Michael Dotson

pioneer

Posts: 284

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This platoon of Marines were marching through the desert when they spied a sailor standing on a dune flipping them off and calling them names. Well, the platoon leader just couldn't have that so he sent 2 Marines to teach this sailor a lesson. They ran around the dune as wild young Marines are apt to do and the most gawd awful racket began. There were screams of terror, sounds of clothing being ripped and the faint murmur of "Mama" could be heard. The sailor appeared at the top of the dune with the two unconscious Marines beaten terribly. He laughed louder and gave a double birdie to the astonished Marines below.
There was no sailor on this planet was gonna take out two Marines and walk away clean so the platoon leader sent four Marines with the instructions to teach the sailor a lesson he would never forget. They surrounded the dune according to their battle craft and went in. A terrible commotion began with screams of pain, bones breaking and the sounds of a thumb being sucked on. A few minutes later the sailor appeared on the top of the dune with four unconscious Marines beaten very badly. He could barely contain his laughter so, he dropped trou and mooned the bewildered Marines below.
The platoon leader didn't know what kind of mojo this sailor had but he was gonna have eight Marines go in swinging, kicking, biting and pinching. The Marines went in like hay rakes, kicking and biting. The most terrible sounds began almost immediately. There was clothing being torn, teeth being broken and the screams of men fighting a battle they knew they were gonna loose but they weren't gonna back down for nothing. The platoon leader and the rest of the men were cheering their Marines on, knowing the battle would soon be over for that insolent sailor. A bloody arm appeared at the top of the dune and a torn, broken Marine climbed over the top. He screamed to his platoon leader below, "Don't send any more Marines, Sarge. It's a trap! there are TWO of them!!"

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 982

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant? What's on the outside? K9P.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 982

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

566

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An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was completely engulfed in flames. It took them three hours to douse the fire completely.

After the smoke cleared a bit the Chief and a few investigators made their way in to survey the damage. When they made their way to the back of the dark tavern, they noticed what appeared to be...could it be? There were two old drunks sitting there just chatting away about the good old days back in the home country.

The chief approached the two, completely in shock that anyone could possibly be in there and alive, assuming all got out. He walked up to them in a daze, stunned by the fact that a person was inside the building that he just watched burn for three hours and asked: "Well, what happened? How did this fire start?:

Old drunk replied "Beats me, it was already on fire when we got here"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 982

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

566

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One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give 50,000 Euros to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 Euros to the fire department who could save the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 Euros, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Well," said Paddy Murphy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fecking truck!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Michael Dotson

pioneer

Posts: 284

posted 5 years ago

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So, this is a practical joke I pulled on my very good hearted wife.

She bought a reading light sconce and wanted it mounted above the bed on the wall within easy reach. While testing my install I noted the lamp switch is one of the three position type. You turned it two clicks and bn it lit up. You turned it two more clicks and it shut off.
We ran out of incandescent bulbs and got the twisted up fluorescent kind that took a couple of seconds to light up.
She was in the bathroom oiling herself or peeling something off, whatever women get up to in there, and I reached up and turn the switch one click. She comes in and turns it two clicks...nothing. After several failed attempts to get it lit, she cussed it and turned it over to me to fix.
Next evening amd several days after that it worked like a charm. Then one night it didn't work. She said words I didn't know she knew and banged it on the wall.
This went on for several months. She only asked me once what I did to fix it. I gave her a convoluted very technical answer. The rammerstat and flux capacitor didn't have a good termination to the rheostat.
One night, laying in bed, cuddled in each other's arms, I couldn't help myself. I threw myself under the bus and confessed.
For a long time she didn't say anything at first. She got up on one elbow with that, 'oh, no you dint' look and almost growled when she said, "I thought that f*#@ing thing was broke all this time."
I was howling with tears running down my face. She was not amused!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 982

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

566

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posted 5 years ago

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dummy. It tell me someone stolen tent.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

2219

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Did you hear that scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

2219

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Why are lambs such bad drivers?

They love making ewe turns.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

2219

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I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awesome !!!

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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posted 5 years ago

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All the animals boarded Noah's Ark in pairs. Except the worms of course. They came in the apples.

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

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I just got a brand new chainsaw...

It's cutting-hedge technology!

Jay Angler

master steward

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for a job

O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"...

The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.'

You wrote - 'Neither do I'

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Jay Angler

master steward

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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They have developed a new medication by combining Ducolax and Viagra. It’s called Easy Come/Easy Go.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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Two young boys were sitting on a park bench, eating Cheetos and having a chat when a truck loaded with huge rolls of sod drove by.

The first little boy looked at it and said to the other "Someday, when I'm rich, I'm going to do that."

The other boy said "Do what?"

The first boy replied "Send my lawn out to have it mowed."

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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How do you survive a all out attack from a mob of street performers, clowns and mimes?

You go for their juggler!

I will open the floodgates of his own worst nightmare! All in a tiny ad:

Homesteading and Permaculture Bundle - More than 35 Things

https://permies.com/w/235626/Homesteading-Permaculture-Bundle