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jokes

 
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A lorry driver gets lost one day and as luck would have it he finds a low bridge and gets stuck under it. The cars are backed up for miles behind him.

Eventually, a police car pulls up. The police officer gets out and walks around to the lorry driver. He puts his hands on his hips and says to him, "Got stuck huh, sir?"

The lorry driver replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
 
Jay Angler
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I was walking down the street earlier today when a lorry driver pulled up alongside me and said, "Excuse me, I'm looking for the accident site involving a van carrying a load of cutlery."

"No problem," I said. "Go straight down this road for 1 mile, then take the first left, and when you get to the fork in the road you're there."
 
gardener
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Last night I opened a bottle of Tequila only to realize I didn’t have the needed condiments, so I went to the neighbors. This morning I woke with a headache and the realization I was living on borrowed lime.
 
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What's the mating call of the clam?

<place forearms one above the other in front of the eyes.  
Open them, really slowly and meaningfully.  
Make eye contact with your audience; very important.  
Then shout, as loudly as you can, or dare
>

Djyerwanna fuck?

 
John F Dean
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I am at the age where I know I had a good time in bed if I wake up and the bed is full of crumbs.
 
Billy Ditchburn
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John F Dean wrote:I am at the age where I know I had a good time in bed if I wake up and the bed is full of crumbs.



Me too, but I don't need the crumbs.
 
John F Dean
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Dad joke punch lines are always a parent.
 
Jay Angler
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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
 
Jay Angler
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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
 
steward & bricolagier
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Tonight for dinner I'm having raccoon stew made from Himalayan raccoon...

because I found him a laying on the road.
 
Pearl Sutton
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I'm trying to set up a Hide and Seek League, but good players are hard to find.
 
Pearl Sutton
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her tuffet?

To keep her from losing her whey.




(Get the feeling I don't feel like coping with the world today and am reading jokes on the net?)
 
Pearl Sutton
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A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


"Rustling," said the bartender.
 
Pearl Sutton
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What happens to an illegally parked frog?


He gets toad.
 
Pearl Sutton
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
When he was punished, didn't put up much resistance.
 
John F Dean
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My wife told me she wanted to drown her problems.  Then she suggested that we buy a swimming pool.
 
John F Dean
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Don’t tell me the legal system isn’t biased against men.  How come women don’t have to take DNA tests to prove parentage?!!
 
John F Dean
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Pearls post reminds me when one of my friend, Sparks, was arrested for battery.  The police threw him in a dry cell.
 
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The doctor was a very honest man...where it said cause of death he signed his name.
 
Pearl Sutton
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The scariest thing about terriers is that they can take off and land vertically.

:D
 
Pearl Sutton
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As I find myself walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I remember why I don't trust GPS.
 
pollinator
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A cars weakest point is the nut holding the steering wheel.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii,
or just
a  lo  ha...
 
pioneer
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My wife and I pulled a good practical joke on my SIL once.
We had just pulled into town from a road trip and the wife wanted to stop at a local store to pick up provisions.
We had just go in the check out lane when in comes an 11 year old nephew. He and his mom had just pulled in to get a cold soda because they had been doing yardwork. His mother was waiting in the car.
I took the sodas and had the cashier ring them up. I shoved those sofas in his pockets and told him to run get in the car with his money held high. I told him to tell her, "Let's go.  They didn't see me."
We knew exactly when he finished his line because she spun on him and started hollering at him.
The cashier was a friend and she decided she wanted to play, too. She closed her till and slowly opened the front door of the store with her eyes locked the mother. I thought that poor woman was gonna beat herself to death trying to get the car window down with the money before the cops got called.
Then we step behind the cashier with big shit eating grins on our faces and she knew she'd been had.
That has morphed into family legend. The mother is reminded occasionally of being pranked.
 
John F Dean
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Why is 2021 pronounced 2020 Won?
 
Michael Dotson
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A little bird wondered why all the little birds flew south during the winter. He decided to stay to see why.
The winds and snow came. The temperature dropped and the little bird decided to fly south.
He took off but hadn't got very far before ice formed on his little wings. He was forced to the ground in a barnyard with some cows.
The little bird wondered what he was gonna do now. Whilst he was wondering what to do a cow wandered over and backed up to it. Raising her tail, the cow dumped all over the little bird. So, now it's sitting up to its beak in poo, but the poo was warm and soon the ice had melted. Now, all warm and ready to continue his journey, the little bird sang a little song.
A nasty old tom cat heard our little bird singing, snuck over, dug the bird out and ate him all up.
There are three lessons to take from this little tale.
1. Ones that get you into poo ain't nessecarily your enemy.
2. Ones that get you out of poo ain't  necessarily your friend.
3. If one is warm and happy but up one's neck in poo...keep the beak shut!
 
Dennis Barrow
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You know you are getting older when your cologne is Vick's.
 
Pearl Sutton
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
Pearl Sutton
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Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't
believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course,
traffic starts backing up.

Everybody is tooting their horns and waving crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me, gets out of his car and starts walking
towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why was Six scared of Seven?


Because Seven ate Nine
 
Pearl Sutton
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"Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because, if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan."

- Mike Rowe
 
Greg Martin
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I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
 
Greg Martin
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
 
Greg Martin
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My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
 
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What do you call a deer with no legs trying to cross the river?

Bob

 
Billy Ditchburn
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Sarah Elizabeth wrote:
What do you call a deer with no legs trying to cross the river?

Bob



First time I heard that it was a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool... to be immediately followed with what do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no head and no body?  Dick, of course, to be immediately followed with what do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no head and no body and a PhD in molecular biology?  Clever Dick, but to stick with the deer, what do you call a deer with no eyes?  No idea.
 
Billy Ditchburn
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Knock knock joke for your enemies.
You: Did you hear the idiot's knock joke?
Them: No
You: Well, you start it off.
Them: Knock Knock
You: Who's there?
Them: er....
You: explode with laughter and run away
 
Greg Martin
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This one reminded me a bit of Monty Python:

Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
 
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