jokes

I made the mistake of visiting a relative.  I ended up with mood poisoning.

This evening I was sitting on my lawn with a cold beer .... looking at the clear blue sky ....and I came to the realization that a day without sunshine was like night.

An elderly gentleman had been admitted to an old folks home and he was none too pleased about it, but determined to make the best of things and keep in good humor.
When presented with those special frilly, paper panties by the cute nurse he gave her a sly smile.
"There's only two reasons I'll wear a diaper", he exclaimed. "Number one.....and number two!"

Lately I have this phobia about the trees in my yard.  I can’t say why for certain .... they just seem shady.

What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

I'm Irish and Italian.
Half Gaelic, half garlic.



A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam.
The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.
“On what?” The man asks.
The dentist responds quickly, “Your nose.”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked to the microphone.
He said, "I'm Frank."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, again, that the word is sternum."

Early in my career, I was fired from my job. I had a performance evaluation that told me to up my performance. Anyway, a few months later my boss met with me and congratulated me for dramatically improving my performance. Then he asked what I thought he should do next. So I told him, “ Well, I upped my performance, so up yours.”

I got in one of those depressed moods last night. You know, deep down, I am pretty shallow.

Yesterday, I learned that it was the first day of the rest of my life .... but it turns out today is.

I ended up at the doctor’s today.  He had some test reports in his hand and told me he had good news and bad news.  I asked for the good first. He told me I was going to have a disease named after me.

I lost a small fortune gambling, so I limited myself to mental bets.  I lost my mind.

Maybe it’s the weather; but, I’ve been ticked off at so many people lately that I have run out of Voodoo Dolls.

This Marine Corp general was getting a hair cut at the base barber shop. As the barber was finishing the general up he asked if the general would like to have some scented water spritzed over him. The general sniffed the water and screwed up his face.
"Hell no, I don't want that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a French whorehouse!"
About that time the Navy Chief in the next chair was finishing and was asked the same question. He sniffed the water and smiled.
"Hell yes, I want that on me. My wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like!!"

This fella shows up at an emergency room unconscious, bruised, battered and beaten. The medical team worked frantically to bring him back from the brink of death. Their dedication to craft saved his life.
When he woke up some days later he was asked what had happened. It took some time for him to remember.
"Well, me and the wife were golfing," he began slowly, trying desperately to remember the tale, "and she hit one in a field. We went to find the ball. There was lots of brush and undergrowth. I saw a cow that was acting oddly. I looked under her tail and lodged under there was a golf ball. So. I raised the cows tail and said, 'hey, honey, this one looks like yours.' That's the last thing I remember!"

A high ranking monk was sent to inspect a monastery that made hand written copies of the bible. While conducting his inspection he was presented with the original document from which all bibles were copied. After the first copies were made the original was stored away. Intrigued, he took the original to his chambers to read.
The next morning found the inspector in a dismal mood. He carried the original to the head monk and placed it on his desk.
"I have found a mistake," he began slowly, his head hung down and eyes closed, trying to compose himself.
"A mistake, inspector? We've been making those copies for years, for generations. Our entire religion depends on the accuracy of our bibles. I can personally vouch for each and every bible we make! What kind of mistake could we possibly have made?"
"It's right here on page three," the inspector opened the original and a copy to page three and pointed. "You see here in the copy it says 'celibate'?
"Absolutely, and we in our order obey that rule above all. We take an oath to remain celibate. We can concentrate on our tasks better without pleasures of the flesh to cloud our judgement."
"Look here in the original," he said pointing to the original page three, "it says 'celibrate'".

These two Marines decided they were gonna start farming when they retired. They bought an old farm, retired and moved in. They purchased all the necessary implements but decided to buy a mule instead of a tractor. They got a deal on a mule and took it home. That thing was worth every penny. It worked and worked. After a few months the mule began to look poorly and it had slowed down a lot. Being the sensible Marines they were they took the mule to a vet.
The vet looked it over and gave his diagnosis. "Gentlemen, this here mule got worms. Take him home and give it this pill." he handed over a large pill and a tube to administer it with. "What ya gotta do is stick this here tube up that mule's six, put that pill in the tube and blow it in. One application and your worms is dead."
The Marines took the mule home and put him in the barn. The first Marine took the tube, stuck it in the mule's six, inserted the pill and blew as hard as he could. The pill moved a bit and then got stuck. He tried several times to blow that pill through the tube without success.
The second Marine shooed the first out of the way. He grabbed that tube out the mule's six, spun it around and shoved it back in. He was taking a big breath to blow when the first Marine said, "Now wait just a minute!! What do you think you're a'doing with that tube?"
"What," said the second Marine, "you think I want YOUR germs in MY mouth?"

Last night I got drunk after one drink .... I can’t remember if it was the 7th or 8th.

I took a class on Psycho-ceramics....the study of crackpots.

What is similar to dark blue, but not as heavy?... light blue.

I spend a lot of time in holding the fridge door open looking for answers.

What is made out of leather but sounds like a sneeze?... A shoe!

I told my wife the other night that I wanted her to start talking dirty more for me.
She looked up at me thoughtfully for a moment and then responded.
"Compost."

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Schwartz, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

Elmer was a small, sickly man who was advised by his doctor he should move west where the air was drier and would do him good. Upon arrival in Tombstone he got a job at the saloon slinging whiskey.
The first thing they told him was when he got word that Bad Bart was coming to town he should close up the saloon and run for his life. Everything was going all well for Elmer when one day this rider came into town in a full run. He pulled his horse up short in front of the saloon, ran inside, grabbed a whiskey bottle and drained it. He spun around with his pistol and fired it into the ceiling. "Boys," he said, frantically, "Bad Bart's heading this a'way. Head for the hills!!"  He ran out, mounted his exhausted horse and sank spur outa town.
For about three seconds no one moved. Then suddenly everyone scrambled for the door. Elmer got caught up in the panic and was knocked unconscious behind the bar.
When he came to the entire town was gone. There wasn't a horse or whore to be seen, but off in the distance he saw a dust cloud and it was headed his way. Before long this huge man came around the corner riding a massive buffalo at full speed. He was sinking spur and using a rattlesnake for a quirt. When he got in front of the saloon he pulled on the reins and slid that buffalo in for a stop. Jumping off the buffalo and throwing the rattle snake down he went into the saloon without a word.
Elmer followed him inside and went to his side of the bar to offer the big man a drink. The rider took the bottle, bit off the end and drained it in one gulp. Then he pulled out a chaw of tobacco and bit off a large chuck to chew on before he swallowed it.
This fellow didn't seem so bad. Certainly not as bad as everyone had made him out to be. Elmer felt kinda special he had been the only one with the nads to stay in town to meet this guy.
"Would you like another drink, sir," Elmer stammered.
"Another one??? Hell, no!!! I'm getting out of town!! Bad Bart is coming!!"

This gunslinger came to town looking to be the best gunfighter in the world. He went into the saloon and announced his intentions of being the best gunslinger. This little old man came up and said, "Son, to be a gunfighter you need to do some things. Show me what you got."
The kid squared off on the piano player, drew quickly and shot the hat off the player. The player reached down, picked up his hat and kept playing.
"That was pretty good, but if you wear your gun lower on your hip you can get it out faster."
The kid made the adjustment, squared off on the piano player, drew his gun and shot the hat off the player even faster than before. The player reached down, picked up his hat and kept playing.
"That worked pretty good," said the kid, "got any more tips?"
"Yeap I got one more." He pulled out a can of axle grease. "Put this on your gun."
The kid smeared some grease on his gun as instructed.
"Nope," the old man said, "ain't enough."
The kid went back to the grease can and smeared more on.
"No, I don't think that's gonna be enough," the old man said, "ya gotta get a lot on there."
The kid had smeared a lot of grease on his gun, but was frowning. "All this grease on my gun is gonna make me a faster gunslinger?"
"No," the old man said, "it ain't gonna help make you faster a'tall."
"Well, why am I smearing a lot of grease on my gun?"
"Well, because the piano player is Wyatt Earp. When he gets done playing the piano he's gonna shove that gun up your ass. The grease will help."

A cat walks into a bar and sits- on a stool.
"You look sad" said the bartender.
"I am," said the cat, "My lady love left me for a Persian and the neighbors got a new dog that barks all the time. I hate to even go out in my own yard anymore."
"That's got to suck. What can I get you?"
"A shot of rum."
The bartender put a shot of rum in front of the cat.
The cat slowly pushed it off the bar. As it crashed to the floor, he said "Another, please."

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I have heard that some people pick their noses.   I was born with mine.

I think my brother was kicked out of the military.  Anyway, he ate too many beans and had a dishonorable discharge.

French fries weren't first cooked in France.
They were cooked in Greece.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What do you call it when you do papercrafts with seaweed?

Norigami.

I understand that the population of Ireland is growing so fast that every day it’s capitol is Dublin.

I lost my job at the Orange juice factory.   I can’t concentrate.

This is for Pearl Sutton:

So there's this duck and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's all like "man i got cash and i won't tell anyone just sell me some donuts and i'll be on my way." And baker's like "No way lil duckieboy, rules are rules, get outta my bakery before i call the cops."
So the duck walks outta the bakery super bummed and goes into an alley to vent and he's all like "Man duck can't catch a damn break in this world, i make an honest living and can't even buy a damn pastry with my own hard-earned money, this shit is bogus," when he hears a spooky voice from the shadows say "perhaps i can help you with that." Duck's mad creeped out by strange voice in an alley but he's intrigued so he's like "hey who said that show yourself!" A second later a haggard old gypsy woman emerges from the shadows and says "i've heard your predicament and have a solution to your problem. I have here a Magic Kelp which will transform you into an adult man so that you can see the world from a human's eyes, but the transformation only lasts for 5 minutes."
"Holy shit that's amazing!" says the duck. "How much does that Magic Kelp cost?!"
"For you, lil duckieboy, it's completely free."
Duck's ecstatic, can't believe the generosity of this gypsy woman. He eats the Magic Kelp and POOF turns into a middle aged man. He takes a second to think about the science behind that magic kelp but then remembers that he only has 5 minutes to be a person so he can't waste any time.
He heads back into the bakery, walks up to the counter, and says to the baker "Hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" Baker says "yeah no sweat, funny you should order that though, a duck walked in here a minute ago and tried to order the exact same thing!" The duck just wants his donuts but also wants to take advantage of his human form and mess with the guy a bit so he says, "that's nuts! A duck in a bakery, how crazy. Did you sell him the donuts?"
Baker's like "hellllll no i didn't sell that duck no donuts, i do that and there'll be badgers ordering baguettes, cougars gettin cupcakes, and chimps buying eclairs. This is a bakery, not a damn wildlife reserve!" "Well, what if i told you I was a duck?" said the duck.
Baker: "I'd say you're full of shit, i can clearly see that you're a man."
Duck: "Alright, i'll bet you $2000 that i can prove i'm a duck in 30 seconds." Baker feels like he's being tricked but knows the guy's a guy and not a duck so he agrees to the bet and shakes on it. Right after shaking hands the 5 minute Magic Kelp wears off and he's turned back into a duck, leaving the baker astonished. "Hooooooly shit you're a duck! How is that even possible!? I don't believe my eyes!" Baker opens up the register, takes out 2 grand cash and hands it to the duck who grabs his donuts and walks out like a boss.
He goes back into the alley, finds the old gypsy woman, and hands her $1000 cash. Gypsy's shocked and super appreciative, "Thank you so much! Most people just eat the thing and i never see them again, you're so sweet!"
And the duck says "No thank YOU! I couldn't have donut without your kelp."