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jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
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"I had a hotel put me in room 404 one time but I could never find it."
 
pollinator
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Transylvania vacation
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ...
The Hills are alive with the sound of music."
 
Pearl Sutton
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Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.  He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.  Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

--------------------
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:  We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.  The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into  my suit.  Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her tuffet?

To keep her from losing her whey.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why wasn't there room for the peanut butter in the pantry?


Because it was jam-packed.
 
pioneer
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True story...
My city boy nephew wanted to impress his country cousins by dropping a deuce in the wooly wilds and using the natural wiping material provided by Mother Nature. He was a man's man at 16. He was learning to hunt. This is what hunters did, right?
He had grabbed some poison ivy. We took him to the emergency room when he began to feel really uncomfortable back there. We had a good idea what had happened when he described to us what he used
They tried their best to be professional. No one could treat him for a while because they were laughing so hard. Finally, they composed themselves and prescribed a cream.
We made him apply his own cream. We knew he could reach back there so he was on his own. That application hurt like hell and when he moaned, we laughed.
His bowel movements for the next few days was agony. It simply reminded us of his predicament if we heard him groan about the paperwork and we laughed louder.
After a week or so of being spraddle legged on his belly the swelling and pain began to subside. I'm not sure why we didn't nickname him Ivy.
He still hunts and goes in the woods. You can guess what is number 1 on his list of stuff to carry in his possibles bag.🤣🤣🤣🤣
 
Michael Dotson
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This little feller came into the hospital and was asked, "What can we do for you?"
"I got shingles," he said.
"Well. You're in the wrong place." So she walked him around to the correct station.
"What can I do for you," the nurse asked.
"I got shingles," he said.
"Well, let's get you into a room."
After he was put in a room another nurse came in and took his blood pressure, pulse and temp.
"The doctor will be in in a bit. You need to remove all your clothing, get into this gown and lie down on the table."
The feller did as he was told. The doctor came in and examined him head to foot. He found nothing.
"I thought you said you had shingles," the doctor asked.
"I do," he said, "they're out in the truck. Where do you want them?"
 
Dennis Barrow
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Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!
But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"
 
Dennis Barrow
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Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer. "Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, "I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."
 
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The neighbors complained about my chickens for using fowl language.
 
master gardener
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
Greg Martin
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
 
Pearl Sutton
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What keeps the lions from leaving the savanna?


The ele-fence
 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did the bee go to the doctor?


She had hives.
 
Pearl Sutton
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?


Neck-tarines



Although I think Blood Orange works just as well.
 
John F Dean
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Back in nursing school, I remember coming home and finding a rectal thermometer in my pocket.  It was at that moment that I realized that some asshole had my pen.
 
John F Dean
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My neighbor is really ticked off.  His kid swallowed the contents of his piggy bank.   He got him to the ER, but after waiting a couple of hours, all the doctor will tell him is “no change”.
 
Michael Dotson
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?


The taste...
 
Pearl Sutton
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A pirate meets a friend...
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The friend replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine now, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the friend. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
 
Pearl Sutton
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I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He said thank you. I said "don't mention it."
 
Dennis Barrow
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Medical community says that if you smell burnt toast you are having neurological issues.
Now my toaster is a medical warning device.
 
John F Dean
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My dog loves to play with a rubber bone.  My cats favorite toy is her ball. But my rabbit loves his hare loom.
 
John F Dean
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My cat vanished last night.  Then I learn my wife gave him evaporated milk.
 
John F Dean
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There a guy in my area that owns T-Rex’s Gun Shop.  He’s a small arms dealer.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Dad:  What do you call a cow with no legs?

Son:  Dad, stop it.

Dad:  Ground beef.
 
Dennis Barrow
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
 
Dennis Barrow
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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Where do fish keep their money?

At the river bank.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Why did the dog not want to play football?

It was a boxer.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Scientists finally found out exactly how much sleep humans need....


just five more minutes.
 
Pearl Sutton
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One windmill asks the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill answers, "I'm a big metal fan"
 
Pearl Sutton
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A compelling argument as to why aliens have not have visited us yet is that our solar system only has a one-star rating.
 
John F Dean
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I always make a great many mistakes when I write, so I decided to design a pencil with an eraser on each end.  It turned out to be pointless.
 
John F Dean
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I am really getting sick of watching the evening news.  Each night it is the same thing. The broadcast begins with a “Good evening!” Then they go on to explain why it isn’t.
 
John F Dean
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Repeatedly I have tried to figure out how to operate my new incense burner. But no matter what I do, it just doesn’t make scents.
 
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I went to the doctor yesterday to get a mole checked.

Apparently it was just an ordinary mole and I should have left it in the garden.
 
John F Dean
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Elon Musk and Bill Gates have joined forces to start a new company.  It is called Elongates.
 
John F Dean
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I lost my job at the dairy. I was fired for skimming.
 
John F Dean
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I just learn that Einstein never existed!  He was only a theoretical physicist.
 
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A man wearing a ten-gallon hat and leather boots goes into a bar and sits down next to a woman. "Are you a real cowboy?", she asks him.

He responds: "For all my life, I have been tamed and ridden horses. I have repaired fences, herded and tended to cows and caught escaped cows. I think it would make sense to call myself a cowboy."

To which she says: "Interesting. I myself am a lesbian. I wake up thinking about women, when I am in the shower I think about women, at night laying in bed I think about women. I constantly think about women." They talk for a while, until she gets up and leaves.

An older couple enters the bar and sits down next to the cowboy. They eyeball him a short while and then muster up the courage to ask him:"Are you a real cowboy?",

to which he replies:"For all my life I thought I was a cowboy, but today I learned that I am in fact a lesbian."

gift
 
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