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jokes

 
master gardener
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If you steal someone’s heart, do you get cardiac arrested?
 
Jay Angler
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Haphephobia - when you just aren't sooo... bad as to have a whole phobia.
 
pollinator
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I didn't intend to become a pirate captain, but after one voyage I was hooked.
 
master gardener
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You know what always seems to catch my eye?  People with umbrellas.
 
John F Dean
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I crunched our financial numbers today. I figure we have enough money to last through our retirement .... unless we buy something.
 
pollinator
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon..
All I could think of is.....
"I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me."
 
steward
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A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.”

Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
After that, who cares?
You're a mile away and have his shoes!
 
Dennis Barrow
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.
 
Dennis Barrow
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In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries.
One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…
As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did.
She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.
 
Jay Angler
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A cardiologist keeps sending me x-rays of his chest. A bit weird I know but shows his heart is in the right place.
 
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I didn't read through all the jokes... but... here's one.

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind"
response from the mushroom... "Why? I'm a fungi!"
 
Dennis Barrow
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If money can't buy happiness...

Explain motorcycles and beer!
 
gardener
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We're not so hungry that we'd eat tofu
tofu.jpg
[Thumbnail for tofu.jpg]
 
Dennis Barrow
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"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
 
Dennis Barrow
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A week ago my mother-in-law started reading "The Excorsist".

She said it was the most evil book she had ever read!  So evil in fact that she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy of it, ran it under the faucet and left it on night table by her bed.

I am going to Hell....

 
Dennis Barrow
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Wife doing her makeup early morning straight out of bed !!

Husband:  "Are you crazy?"

Wife:  "Just shut up!  I need to unlock my phone and its on face recognition and doesn't recognize me!"
 
Jay Angler
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My mother taught me about STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”
 
Jay Angler
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For years I was against organ transplants. Then I had a change of heart.
 
Jay Angler
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What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?

A meltdown!
 
Dennis Barrow
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Dove chocolate tastes better than their soap.
 
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Dennis Barrow wrote:Dove chocolate tastes better than their soap.



"Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness.....Lifebuoy, on the other hand... "
 
Dennis Barrow
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My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.
 
pollinator
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John F Dean wrote:I crunched our financial numbers today. I figure we have enough money to last through our retirement .... unless we buy something.



I've always heard this one as ... if I die tomorrow.
 
Robert Ray
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.
wild-penis.jpg
[Thumbnail for wild-penis.jpg]
 
Dennis Barrow
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Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they’re both in their late 60s the man turns to his wife and tells her:

“Mabel, I’m in my twilight years and I ain’t leaving this damn carnival until I get a helicopter ride”

“No Harold! Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

Then a loud argument ensues, to which the whole carnival could hear. However, the pilot of the helicopter over hears these two people arguing about the helicopter ride and he sees an opportunity.

“Hey you two!” He said “If you two can get on and stay quite, the whole thing is free. But if one of you makes the slightest noise...well....fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Well, the old man took up that deal, and they both set off in the helicopter. Well, the pilot wants to get that $50 and he starts doing twirls, spins, and all sorts of tricks in order to get this money. However, not a sound from either of them. By the time the pilot lands, he’s exhausted.

“Jesus, y’all sure were quite throughout that ride.”

Then Harold spoke.

“We’ll I would’ve told you Mabel fell out of the plane 10 minutes ago but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
 
Dennis Barrow
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A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.  Upon arrival he started to swing at a tree when it shouted: "Wait, I am a talking tree!!".

The lumberjack grinned and said: "Yes, and you will dialogue."
 
Mark Brunnr
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Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you’re going to die.

And there’s a big difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

Same with “forgive me father for I have sinned” and “sorry daddy I’ve been naughty!”
 
Greg Martin
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Guess who I saw today?

Everyone I looked at!
 
Jay Angler
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What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?

A snowmobile.
 
Jay Angler
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The plague, the flu, and common cold walk into the room.
I asked, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?"
 
Jay Angler
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Be patient with geologists,
they all have their faults.
 
Dennis Barrow
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun.
Then I realized that it's one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins.
 
Greg Martin
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Norm MacDonald's frog joke:

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He walks over to the bank teller--her name's Whack (nametag says Whack).
Frog: "Yes, I'd like to get a loan."

Teller: "A loan? But you're a frog! I don't think we can do that."

Frog: "Well, it's really important that I get this loan...anything you can do will help."

Teller: "Well, idk...what's your name?"

Frog: "Kermit."

Teller: "Kermit THE FROG?! But you don't look anything like Kermit the Frog!"

Frog: "No, no, no...I was named after him. My full name's Kermit Jagger. You see, my mother's a frog and my father's Mick Jagger............he fucked a frog, and, well, now I'm here.
But anyway, I'd really like to get a loan, for a lilypad."

Teller: "I see. Well since you've got no credit, it'll be difficult to get you a loan. Do you have anything you can leave as collateral?"

Frog: (Pauses) "Yes. I think I have something that will work."

He reaches into his frog pocket and pulls out a tiny pink elephant made of porcelain. He holds it up to examine it for a moment. The teller looks at it, puzzled. Finally he hands it to her. (Her first name's Patti.)

Teller: "Uh...I'm not sure. I'll have to talk to the bank manager about this." (leaves to manager's office)

Teller (to manager): "Hey, we've got a Kermit Jagger out here...His mother's a frog and his father's Mick Jagger. He wants to get a loan for a lilypad but all he has for collateral is this." (holds up pink elephant)

Manager: (pauses, looking at the elephant) "What it that?" (takes it in his hand to examine) "What is this?"

After some time, he looks at her.

"Why, this is a Knick Knack, Patti Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rollin Stone!"
 
Dennis Barrow
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I hate being sexy, but I am a biker so can't help it.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Who ever said "out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom!
 
master gardener
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
Greg Martin
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I can’t believe somebody broke into my house and stole all my fruit!

I’m peachless.

 
Greg Martin
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I made some fish tacos today....

but they just ignored them and swam away.
 
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