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jokes

 
pollinator
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Spouse: "Why did you wake up grumpy this morning?"

Other Spouse:  "Sorry, next time I'll let you sleep in."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I was asked the other day why I was always talking to myself.

I replied:  "Because I've found its the best way to assure I have intelligent conversation."
 
master gardener
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Thoughts on gardening:

Nothing in the seed packet looks remotely like the picture on it.

To ensure a good rain during the day, get up early and water the garden well.

It is important to know the natural flow of nature.  Winter follows fall. Spring follows winter.  Drought follows planting.

Weeds grow at a rate exponentially related to the rate they are removed.

It is critical to be able to identify the difference between a weed and a plant.  If it is easy to remove, it is a plant.







 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I saw one of my neighbors in his pasture with a wheelbarrow and shovel picking up horse poop.  I asked him what he was using it for, he replied he was putting it on his rhubarb. To each his own.  I always put strawberries on my rhubarb.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Lincoln grossed over $275 million in movie theaters,
which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do to well in theaters.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I've just been down to the butchers and asked for an ox tail.

The butcher said: "Once upon a time there was this ox..."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.
 
steward
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I began to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen...  I can feel it.
 
gardener
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The new sailor on the pirate ship was always making fun of the captain's eye patch.

Then in his very first battle, the kid lost his own eye.

Which everyone found a little eye-ronic.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?   Two.  One to tie the ladder to the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
 
steward
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Why did Spiderman's evil twin fail his driver's test?

He was a bad parallel Parker.
 
Greg Martin
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What happened to the dog that swallowed the watch?
He got ticks!
 
steward
Posts: 6549
Location: Carnation, WA (Western Washington State / Cascadia / Pacific NW)
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This is no joke! ;-)  But sooo good!!
abbycomics_cape.jpg
Abby Comics Cape
Abby Comics Cape
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Fetal pigs are often used in anatomy classes because their body systems resemble those of a human. Of course, there is a twist in the tale.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Well, I made a New Year’s resolution. I told myself I would stop drinking.  It finally hit me.  Why am I listening to some old drunk who talks to himself?!!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I tried to use my high tunnel to grow fungi this winter, but there wasn’t mushroom.
 
K Eilander
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Somebody handed me what *I thought* was a Kind bar.

It just stood up, slapped me a couple times, then insulted my upbringing.

It most definitely WAS NOT a kind bar.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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My wife told me she would help me do some of the winter garden work this morning, but she never showed.  When I got back to the house she was sitting on the sofa in her bare feet.  She was still trying to find her garden hose.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I wasted an entire raised bed last summer trying to raise some pie pumpkins without success.  I found the problem when I was digging in the bed getting it ready for spring.  There must have been a labeling problem on the package, all the plants had square roots.
 
K Eilander
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I tripped over the cat... so I decided to go ahead and trip over my shoelaces as well.

(After all, they say it's more efficient to combine trips.)
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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At the ER the doctor diagnosed me with anaphylactic shock. She asked me if I knew the cause. I told her I could give it in a nutshell.
 
Mike Haasl
steward
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You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

They're very good at it
 
Mike Haasl
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Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees
 
Mike Haasl
steward
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What's the loudest sound in the forest?

Giraffes eating cherries
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Do you know why the cowboy ate beans on Friday?

So he could have a bubble bath on Saturday.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Living near a tiny town, I have been protected.  After a trip to the big city, I realize I dislike elevator music on many levels.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.
 
Greg Martin
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Einstein and Newton are in a bar.

Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein explains, "Imagine two people at opposite ends on top of a train moving very quickly. Even though the train is moving, if the person in the rear shines a light to the other in the front, they will measure the light to move at the usual constant speed of light. Likewise though, a person stationary beside the tracks will also measure the light to travel at the same speed, though from their stationary perspective the light traveled further because by the time the light got to the front person, they had moved a little bit more forward due to the velocity of the train. This means that the stationary person sees the light take longer to go from one person to the other."

He adds, "Additionally, if the person in the rear of the train measures the velocity of the light away from him to be one value, shouldn't the velocity they themselves possess not mean that the light would move faster from getting that extra push? But when we measure it, this is not the case!"

"If we allow ourselves to alter values like the passage of time for different perspectives, and even the masses of objects, we can create a set of physical laws which shows us how the people on the train can reconcile their views with the person beside it, based upon their relative velocities."

And so Newton replies, "What the hell is a train?"
 
master gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What do you call a rooster looking at a field of romaine lettuce?


Chicken sees a salad.
 
Jay Angler
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I took my son to a sock puppet theater.

It was just a show of hands.
 
Jay Angler
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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed. “Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!” Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!” The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I was sitting on a bus behind a young mother and her son.
Her boy kept looking around and making funny faces at me.
After a few minutes I got tired of his antics.
So I said: " When I was young my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed it would stay that way."
The little #%$* replied: "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.

So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Betty and Bertha have been life long friends and were now 90 years old.  Betty stood over the bed while Bertha lay dying.
They loved womens softball.  They played all through high school and college.  And Betty said to Bertha, "You know if there is women's softball in heaven, please, somehow come back and let me know."
Bertha says she will.  Shortly thereafter she passed away.
A couple days later Betty was awaken from taking a nap by a voice saying, "Betty, Betty! Wake up! It's Bertha!"   Betty says, "Yes Bertha?"
Bertha says, "I've got good news and bad news"
Betty says, "What's the good news?"
Bertha says,  "They have women's softball here in Heaven!  We play every day and each day is like spring, there's no rain or snow and the stands are full of handsome men! You're gonna love it!"
Betty says, "What's the bad news?"
Bertha says,  "You're scheduled to pitch on Tuesday."
 
K Eilander
gardener
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Did you hear about the guy who stepped out in front of a milk truck?

He got creamed.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!
 
Greg Martin
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The shortest horror story is called: "Monday."
 
She still doesn't approve of my superhero lifestyle. Or this shameless plug:
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https://permies.com/t/211613/jobs-offered/experiences/WORK-TRADE-OPPORTUNITY-BEAUTIFUL-SANTA
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