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jokes

 
steward
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
 
master gardener
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Which can jump higher, a pumpkin or a scarecrow?   Neither one can jump.
 
John F Dean
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What do you call a dropped pumpkin?   Squash.
 
John F Dean
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Why did the pumpkin roll across the road?   Pumpkins can’t walk …they don’t have feet.
 
John F Dean
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Dividing a pumpkin’s circumference by its diameter = Pumpkin  pi
 
pollinator
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Where do bad rainbows go?

To Prism, but its only a light sentence.
 
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The young agronomist said to the old farmer, "Your farming methods are so outdated, I'd be surprised if you got 100 bushels/acre of of corn off of that field."

The old farmer answered, "Well, I would be, too, that's sorghum."


[This was a joke one of my Agronomy professors told us as students. Corn and sorghum look a lot alike in early growth, before their tassels develop.]
Staff note (John F Dean) :

Welcome to Permies!!

 
John F Dean
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Is Egg Salad really Chicken Salad?
 
master gardener
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Q. In Egypt, what do they call all of the creeks and tributaries that flow into the Nile River?

A. Juveniles.
 
Jay Angler
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Q. Why didn't the ohm swim to the other side of the white water river?

A. 'Cause there was just too much resistance.
 
Jay Angler
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There is nothing wrong with the tower in Pisa. It was just built in italics
 
pollinator
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You know how geese fly in a V formation, but do you know why one side of the V is usually longer than the other?    That is because there is more geese on the long side.

 
John F Dean
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I got the strangest email today.  It said I had won a million dollars because I could read Maps backward.   I figured it was Spam.
 
Jay Angler
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I like the scenery around river valleys.  Some are absolutely gorges.
 
Jay Angler
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A friend has a job doing odd jobs in a tower block. She’s high maintenance.
 
gardener
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What kind of pencil are you supposed to use when taking a test on Shakespeare?
(2B or not 2B?)
 
gardener
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Jokes about Paul produced by an AI bot:

Rocket Mass Heaters are just like Paul Wheaton in that they are both efficient combustion devices that produce heat.

Paul Wheaton's Rocket Mass Heater Week - The Fuel is Free
 
John F Dean
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Hey, I just got a great tip for preventing bacon from curling in the pan.  You take away their tiny brooms.
 
steward & bricolagier
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Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that is draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!!" He ran up to it, and was shot dead in a sudden hail of bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
 
Greg Martin
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Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But smoking bacon will cure it.
 
John F Dean
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I finally got around to watching the “Hunt for Red October”.   I was really disappointed.  The entire movie was a sub plot.
 
John F Dean
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What did Columbus do on this birthday?  He got older.
 
K Eilander
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John F Dean wrote:I finally got around to watching the “Hunt for Red October”.   I was really disappointed.  The entire movie was a sub plot.



I tried to watch "The Fifth Element", but it was boron me.
 
K Eilander
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Why did the evil kangaroo have to walk everywhere?

Because his evil knew no bounds!
 
Jay Angler
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My paper airplane won't fly - it's stationary.
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross a DUCK with a PUMPKIN?

A Quack-O'-Lantern!
 
Greg Martin
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Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few know of his sister Onya, an Olympic runner.
Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to try the one I haven’t tried before.
After all, I might find one I like.
 
K Eilander
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I tried reading while driving and ran right into a plothole.
 
K Eilander
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"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?" -- Steven Wright
 
pollinator
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A Little Christmas Story…

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor…

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Oldest buffalo was discovered in Montana....

He is celebrating his bisontennial.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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To fix a broken jack-o-lantern, use a pumpkin patch.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrapper is exhausting, but  the payoff will be worth it come Halloween!
 
Greg Martin
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My friend asked me, ”Why are you carrying a 9 foot book?”

I said, ”It’s a long story.”
 
Greg Martin
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

It happened 250 million years ago.
 
Jay Angler
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The book of incantations didn’t work. The writer had not run a spell check.
 
Dennis Barrow
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I ordered a pizza and asked them to cut it into 6 pieces.
There's no way I could eat 8.
 
Greg Martin
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Dennis Barrow wrote:I ordered a pizza and asked them to cut it into 6 pieces.
There's no way I could eat 8.



Love it!  It's like one of the jokes we tell here where I live, right on the ME/NH border.

One year it was discovered on an old colonial map that my town in Maine was originally part of New Hampshire.  It ended up being legally turned over to become part of New Hampshire again and a reporter from the local news came down and interviewed me to see what I thought about it.  I told her that I was awfully excited by the news.  You see, I'm getting older and I just wasn't sure that I could take another Maine winter.
 
pollinator
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My husband must be having a bad day at work. I got a text from him that just said:

The first rule of Dunning-Kruger club is you don't know you're in Dunning-Kruger club.
 
Well behaved women rarely make history - Eleanor Roosevelt. tiny ad:
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