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jokes

 
Jay Angler
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

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Jay Angler
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If you’re going for roe-mance, then you’ll want to consider the caviar.


I would make me walk the plankton for that.

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Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.

“No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.”

“It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?”

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Dennis Barrow
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I was working in poultry and a women held up a package and asked me, "When does the chicken expire?"
"At the factory, when they cut its head off."

Chicken soup is healthy for you … As long as you’re not the chicken.

What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

Guest: Waiter, what do you call this dish?
Waiter: Chicken Surprise.
Guest: But I don’t see any chicken!
Waiter: That’s the surprise

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Know why the cowboy ate beans on Friday???
So he could have a bubble bath on Saturday.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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How do you say "Brassiere" in German?
Holzemundkeepsemfromfloppin.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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The irreverent joke page from Backwoods Home:

Do you want to hear my DIY joke?
Wait a minute, I'm still working on it…
Got to hammer out a few kinks…
Make sure to nail the delivery…
I just don't want to screw it up.

Did you hear the amazing story about the blind construction worker?
He picked up a hammer and saw.

My construction worker friend died.
As a memorial everyone at his funeral stood around making themselves look busy.

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project.
All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

My DIY table came with no instructions.
It was counter intuitive.

My wife asked me to do some DIY to build some storage for our collection of encyclopedias.
But I'm no good at DIY, so I went to the library to find out how to do it and asked the lady behind the desk..
"Do you have any books on shelves?"

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. He has been there and done that.
Don't ask the 70 year old man.
He's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandma.....

Until my mom took the urn away.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Person1, "Come to think of it, I haven't seen any billboards with the 'Michelin Man' around for quite some time.  I wonder what happened to him."

Person2, "Maybe he re-tired."

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Never judge a book by its movie.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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It's been very foggy/cloudy/misty in my area for the last two weeks, so...

I walked in on my girlfriend yelling that she hated low lying clouds I hadn’t the foggiest idea what I mist.

What do you get if you mix a very sad cloud and the ocean? – Tropical Depression.

Where do clouds go to the bathroom? – Anywhere they want.

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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A telemarketer called and asked to speak with the head of the household.

So, I passed the phone to the cat.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.  My parents told me to always tell the truth.  I did.  Fried chicken is my favorite animal.  I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.  I do, too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef.  Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.  Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.  I told her it was chicken.  She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.  She sent me back to the principal's office.  He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
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What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?


He's a Fizzition.

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
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Why does Elton John not like Iceburg lettuce?

          Because he is more of a Rocket Man.

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
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Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So that the worms can see where they are going.

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Carla Burke
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How did the garden movie get interesting? Because eventually, the plot thickens.

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
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How did the new gardeners learn gardening?


    By trowel and error.

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Jay Angler
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I Just had an argument with a cloud and finally we came to a thunder standing.

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Jay Angler
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I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday I think he may be plotting something.

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Jay Angler
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I don’t mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That’s where I draw the line.

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Jay Angler
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What type of tree fits into your hand?  

A palm tree.

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Jay Angler
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How do trees make themselves heard?  

Amp-leaf-ication.


Where do woodlice go on holiday?  

To the beech.


What did the Jedi say to the tree?  

May the forest be with you.

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?



     It gets toad away.

PURPLE CARDS! GET YOUR GARDENING CARDS HERE!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/garden-cards?ref=4qylf3. "The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
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What do trees do on Valentine’s Day?  

They get sappy

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Pearl Sutton
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Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
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While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
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A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"

"I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin" the father replies.

"Who?" the son asks.

"Yeah," the dad responds, "I liked them too."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
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Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

Addendum: What kind of pants did it take to start the car after it was unlocked?

Cargo!!

 
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If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
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I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car
Now everyone waves at me

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
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100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh, how the stables have turned!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
K Eilander
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a whiskey
...
...
...
...
...
...
and coke."
Bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
The bear shrugs and says, "I don't know.  Guess I was just born with 'em."

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
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