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jokes

 
master gardener
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It’s that time of year again ...  I am referring to fireworks and the accidents that come with them.   Please do not allow young children to use fireworks.   That should be the job for the adults who have been drinking all day.
 
master pollinator
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Did you hear about the recent earthquake research?
The information is groundbreaking

Did you hear about the tornado at the cheese factory?
Da-brie was everywhere.

A family suffering loss and injury in a tornado sent their small son to his aunts home for a visit, until they could arrange for other housing.
After three days came this telegram: RETURNING TOM. SEND TORNADO.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael. In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to do now?" asks the reporter. "Are you going to rebuild?"

"No," replies the victim. "I'm gonna move to Georgia."

"Georgia? Why Georgia?"

"That's where the rest of my stuff is."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
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978
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Signs of aging:  When you clean house to the music you used to drink to.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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We all know that stats lie.  For example, I will grant that alcohol kills people , but how many people have been born because of it?
 
master steward
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How do pickles celebrate their birthdays?

They relish the moment!
 
Greg Martin
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What’s the difference between a pickle and a therapist?

If you don’t know, you should stop talking to your pickle!
 
Greg Martin
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What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?

Road dill.
 
Greg Martin
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When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I’d had enough…

“Why don’t you pickle someone your own size?” I shouted.
 
Greg Martin
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What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.
 
Greg Martin
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A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large that he was able to turn it into a house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his actual home…

Now he’s in a real pickle.
Staff note (Greg Martin) :

Dear God, there are a lot of pickle jokes out there....
but as a staff member I am forced to stop myself from posting more.
(but I won't stop anyone else)

Staff note (Jay Angler) :

How can I resist an invitation like that?

 
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1902
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What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle?


A jarring experience.
 
Jay Angler
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For mature audience only...

What do you call a pickled deer

A dill doe
 
Jay Angler
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What's a pickle's favorite game show?


Let's Make A Dill
 
Jay Angler
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I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...
I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
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978
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I have a real problem with authority. No one does what I tell them.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Lettuce Romain Calm !!
 
John F Dean
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978
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Amazingly, my great aunt tried to warn everyone the Titanic would sink.  She told the employees, the management, and even everyone as they bought tickets.  No one paid any attention to her.  Finally, they kicked her out of the movie theater.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Monsters don't like to eat ghosts............

Because they taste like sheet.
 
John F Dean
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978
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I live near a very small community, but we do have a library.  I spent some time in it looking for a book on the Jurassic period.  I found nothing.  I went to the librarian for her recommendation for a book, author, anything.... She told me to try Sarah Topps.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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My wife and I have been together for 47 years.  And just think, for 47 years I have been in love with the same woman.   I can’t believe my wife has never found out.
 
John F Dean
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978
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My cousin was a playwright , he was always making a scene.
 
John F Dean
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978
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I posted elsewhere that I was having pain in my shoulder.  When my knee began to become sore, I made an appointment with my physician.  After much poking and prodding he sat down and quietly stared at his computer screen.  After an eternity of silence I broke down and asked him, “ How do I stand.”  He quietly muttered back “That is what I am trying to figure out.”
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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The other night I was at a bar and a man there was hopelessly drunk.  I offered him a ride home, and he took me up on it.  He fell several times on the way to my car.  When we reached his home, he fell getting out of the car.  He fell a few more times walking up to his house.  When his wife answered the door, she asked, “Where is his wheel chair?”
 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the arborist who was wrongly accused of stealing a tree?


Someone planted the evidence on his property.
 
Jay Angler
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Why is it so difficult to run a tree care company?


Because every employee acts like a branch manager.

 
Jay Angler
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
 
Jay Angler
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A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the Rabbit what he would like.
The Rabbit replies, "I don't know - I'm only here because of auto-correct."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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I just read where a man was arrested for stealing several inflatable dolls.  Fortunately, the police had no problem catching him.  He was completely out of breath.
 
master steward
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Location: USDA Zone 8a
1740
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John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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My tiny community is trying to pass some silly ordinance prohibiting males from wearing their pants too low.  Fortunately, it is meeting a good deal of opposition from the plumbers union.
 
Posts: 3
Location: Kingsport, TN
4
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I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
You probably never heard of herbivore.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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My daughter told me she was tired of babysitting my grandkids.
 
pollinator
Posts: 149
Location: Oregon zone 8b
49
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Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Did you know you can wear a canoe as a hat?

When it is tipped over it is cap-sized.
 
Posts: 127
Location: Chon Buri Thailand Zone 11-12
41
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A common English joke about us Germans, so old but still asked many times.

How many Germans you need to change a light bulb?

my response:

Only ONE, we Germans are efficient and have no sense of humor.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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What did the big flower say to the little flower?

What’s up, bud?!
 
Dennis Barrow
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Why do plants use photosynthesis?
So they can have a light snack
 
Dennis Barrow
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Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.
 
J.B. Iler
pollinator
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Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
 
my overalls have superpowers - they repel people who think fashion is important. Tiny ad:
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