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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through.  As I approached the graveyard I came across three young ladies, nicely dressed and in high heels.  They were also looking to cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out themselves.  They asked if they could cross with me since they were a little spooked.  Of course I obliged.

As we were crossing the graveyard one of the women said, "Hey thanks for crossing with us.  It's just that we get really scared of places like this."

I replied,  "Yeah, places like this used to scare me too back when I was alive...."

Needless to say that's the fastest I've ever seen three women in high heels run.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
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Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
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My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.

We called her Aunt Tique.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
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If my memory gets any worse, I’ll be able to throw myself a surprise party.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked.
“No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

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Jay Angler
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The business I work for had a dinner for all of its employees and invited all their family members to come along. Before the first speech, the host made an announcement: “We kindly ask you to please put all cellphones and children on vibrate.”

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John F Dean
master steward
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I have never understood the game of golf.  The object seems to be to play less golf.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Dennis Barrow
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After a very long day I decided to go to Hooters and meet some  
friends and have some hot wings and a cold beer.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress
I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators"
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Definition of Golf

Start by placing a small ball, approximately 3.5 cm in diameter on top of a large ball, approximately 13000 km in diameter.

Object: to hit the small ball and not the large one.

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John F Dean
master steward
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It’s Spring!  Sneezin’s Greetings!

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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At 3 months into my New Year’s Resolution, I started a second diet.  I was still too hungry with only the first one.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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Why do eggs like April Fools' Day?

They love practical yolks!

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels’ joke.

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Dennis Barrow
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
   In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
   The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
   She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
   The defense attorney nearly died.
   The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
   'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I have found that in life there are three things I find to be nearly impossible to say:

1.  I was wrong

2. I need help

3. Worcestershire Sauce

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Dennis Barrow
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One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road. As the man approached the hysterical woman, he notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly springs into action and immediately administers CPR to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the child’s throat.
The pleased woman asks, “Are you a doctor, a surgeon?!?”
“No” the man says sheepishly, “I work for the IRS.”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dc Stewart
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A man has a friend who is a urologist. The urologist constantly brags about his professional abilities, claiming that he can diagnose any ailment from a simple urine sample.

The man, who (unbeknown to his friend) has a mild case of tennis elbow, decides to put his friend to the test and challenges him to name the ailment. The urologist says "No problem. Here's a specimen bottle; drop it off at my clinic tomorrow morning and I'll have the answer by the afternoon."

The man takes the bottle home and urinates into it. Noting that the bottle isn't full, he decides to have a bit of fun and asks his wife to add some of her own urine. The bottle still isn't full, so the man asks his teenage daughter for a contribution. The bottle still isn't quite full, so the man follows the family dog around and obtains a canine contribution. The bottle is just short of full, so the man tops it off by masturbating into it and places the bottle in the refrigerator.

The next morning, the man delivers the bottle to the urologist's clinic and heads to work. Several hours later, the urologist calls.

"This was a very tough diagnosis, but I think I've got it sorted out. Your wife has gonorrhea; your daughter is pregnant; your dog has mange; and if you didn't masturbate so often, you wouldn't have tennis elbow."

Devoured by giant spiders without benefit of legal counsel isn't called "justice" where I come from!
-Amazon Women On The Moon

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I just had an epiphany this morning .... with a question. Why does every toaster have a setting that hopelessly burns the bread?

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Dennis Barrow
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I know it's bad, but couldn't help but share it.

Maria, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Why are frogs so happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them.

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Jay Angler
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What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

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John F Dean
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I tried to take Band in high school, but I sucked at playing the Trumpet. The teacher told me that was why.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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What kind of pole is short and floppy?

A tadpole.

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Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the flower who went on a date with another flower?

It’s a budding romance.

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John F Dean
master steward
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Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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Yesterday I had someone tell me that nothing was impossible. Yet, I’ve been doing it for years.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Carla Burke
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John F Dean wrote:Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?



For the same reason we drive on parkways, and park on driveways!

Whoah!! Check out this permie deal!! https://permies.com/w/homesteading-bundle?f=232
"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
John F Dean
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I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
K Eilander
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A man in a singles bar sat watching a young lady talking to a guy from the CIA.  He was surprised to see the agent reach down and discretely slip a listening device into the woman's purse.

He walks over and says, "Excuse me, miss. Is this guy bugging you?"

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
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What does a Panda cook with? .....a pan! .......Duh!

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I woke up and thought this was going to be a great Friday. Then I had a cup of coffee and realized it was Monday.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I’m planning on posting a joke about procrastination.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

I'll give you an apple for this later

 
John F Dean
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If you can’t tie a knot, you cannot.  If you can tie a knot, you can knot.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
K Eilander
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I once heard a pilot say, "we're running 20 minutes behind schedule, but I intend to make that up in the air".

Yet for some reason whenever I try to use that, everyone in the carpool gets really nervous.  Go figure.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
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INTROVERTS UNITE!!!  .. separately......in our own homes ...

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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The first rule of the Passive Aggressive Club is ...... you know, ....it’s OK .... really ...never mind...

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I’m a little slow on the uptake some times. While listening to the radio, I just learned there is a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I finally got it all together.... and then I forgot where I put it.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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Yesterday this woman told me she was spiritual ......then it hit me .....demons are spirits!!!

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
girl power ... turns out to be about a hundred watts. But they seriously don't like being connected to the grid. Tiny ad:
Your suggestions have been mashed into the PIE page - wuddyathink?
https://permies.com/t/369924/suggestions-mashed-PIE-page-wuddyathink
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