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jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn't stop staring at me, I was so flattered!

Ooops - wrong bathroom!
 
Pearl Sutton
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A man is feeling bad and goes to the doctor.

Dr. asks him what's wrong?

I have no energy, I'm tired all the time.

The Dr. looks at him.

The man has cabbage leafs on his head, French fries in both ears, a carrot stick in one nostril a green bean in the other.

The Dr. says, "In my opinion you aren't eating right."
 
master gardener
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Location: southern Illinois.
978
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I was an outcast my entire life. As a child, I had two imaginary friends.  They always played with each other.
 
John F Dean
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978
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I considered becoming an archaeologist.  But the more I thought about it, I realized as soon as I graduated, my career would be in ruins.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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So I am flying the red eye from Atlanta to St Louis. The pilot comes on the intercom and announces the #3 engine has failed.   A little later he announces the # 1 engine has failed. After he announced the #2 engine had failed, I am thinking that I sure hope the #4 holds out or I will be stuck there all night.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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What do you call something that is easy to get into but hard to get out of ....trouble
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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What kind of person never passes gas in public  ....a private tutor.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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An old friend from high school was getting released from prison.  I remembered him as being on the short side. As I entered the building, he was coming down the stairs.  I thought he was a little condescending.
 
Pearl Sutton
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When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?" I said, "No, not particularly."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
Location: southern Illinois.
978
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My wife says I talk in my sleep.  It’s odd no one at work has mentioned it.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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I just saved $187.27 by not going to Walmart for shampoo.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
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978
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I am getting concerned about my wife. Yesterday she asked for a bookmark.   My name is John.
 
Posts: 35
Location: Chicago, or South Central Kentucky
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How do you make a Lamborghini?
.
.
.
.
.
Well, you introduce a Ramborghini to a Eweboghini...
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
Location: southern Illinois.
978
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Back in my college days I messed up big time and got kicked out of the ROTC.  My instructor told me he didn’t see me at camouflage training.  I responded, “Thank you.”
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
 
master steward
Posts: 1213
Location: Coastal Salish Sea area, British Columbia
576
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea???





Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels!
 
jordan barton
master steward
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Location: Coastal Salish Sea area, British Columbia
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I was playing Frisbee the other day. The Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger... Then it hit me.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3425
Location: southern Illinois.
978
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I went to a psychic the other day and accidentally bumped into the table.  The crystal ball rolled off and broke.  It cost me a fortune.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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A frog goes to a fortune teller. He is told he will meet a beautiful lady who will want to know everything about him.   He asks, “ where will I meet her?”   The fortune teller responds, “In her biology class.”
 
Pearl Sutton
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There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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A man was looking through a pet store and saw the most unusual bird. The pet shop owner explained that the bird  was a Nary.  It was known to have a huge appetite, but it could be taught to speak.   The man made the purchase, and took the bird home.  As promised, it was picking up a vocabulary, but it was also growing.  Soon it out grew its cage.  It out grew a larger cage.  It out grew the room it was in.  It was clear it would soon out grow the house.  The man’s options were limited.   He rented a dump truck, loaded up the bird, and drove to the Grand Canyon.   As the man backed the truck up to the rim of the canyon, the bird looked down and exclaimed, “ That’s a long way to tip a Nary!”
 
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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With what did the scuba-diver use to cut seaweed?



A sea-saw
 
Jay Angler
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Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for humanity.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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A woman went to a fortune teller. The fortune teller looked dismayed and told her she had bad news to share.  Her husband, within the year, would die a violent and horrible death. The woman responded, “I know all that.  I want to know if I will be acquitted.”
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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Many many years ago, there was a man named Walter who was very conservative with his finances.  In fact, he was so miserly, he became known as Cheap Walter.   This presented its own problems because, while he was quite wealthy, the currency at the time was a flattened pebble. There were no banks, so Cheap Walter had to spend a great deal of time guarding his fortune.   Eventually, it became too much for him to protect.  He loaded  the huge pile of rocks onto a boat and attempted to row away.   Off the coast of Spain a terrible storm caught him, and his boat sunk.   Walter is still remembered by the spot that bears his name, the Rock of Cheap Walter.
 
master pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?
So he could go pick his nose.


How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?
Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.


If you work on a farm taking care of chickens...
You are a chicken tender.


Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
Posts: 298
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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What can you make from baked beans and onions?

Tear gas.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Location: southern Illinois.
978
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I really am not sure who the most important people in Permaculture are, but I am certain the shovel was the most groundbreaking invention.
 
master steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
 
John F Dean
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978
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Why did the turkey cross the road?  ... To prove he wasn’t chicken.
 
John F Dean
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Hopefully someone here can help me. I bought I new boomerang. How do I throw away the old one?
 
Pearl Sutton
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
 
Pearl Sutton
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I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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978
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Three things never lie:  small children, drunks, and swim suits.
 
Jay Angler
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A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, “WHERE AM I?”, and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”
 
Jay Angler
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Have you met the jerk who owns the world’s greatest wood chipper?

He leaves mulch to be desired.
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