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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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"I'm going to put this somewhere safe",  
is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline,
through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Screw health foods!

I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get!!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Another wooden ball.
You'd think the folks who make avocados could at least occasionally put in a different toy!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
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If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Jay Angler
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A gale walks up to a kite and starts making fun of it, saying things like, "You call that flying? You stink!"

The kite replies, "Are you winding me up?"

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Jay Angler
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For sale:

guitar

yoyo

puppet

kite

$5 for the lot

Genuine reason for sale: no strings attached

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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Four kite strings stop in front of a suspicious-looking bar. The first kite string says: "I'm going in for a beer." He goes in, and the bartender says: "We don't serve kite strings in here." So he walks out. The second and third kite strings go in with the same results. "Get out! We don't serve kite strings in here!" The fourth kite string takes off his hat, places his hand on top of his head, and rubs his hair around, tangling it. Then, he puts his hat back onto his head and enters the bar confidently. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks: "Aren't you a kite string?" The kite string takes his hat off, bows, and says: "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

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Leigh Tate
author & steward
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.joke
.joke

Blog: 5 Acres & A Dream
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Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Not to brag,
but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
gardener
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If a baby pig is a piglet
and a baby owl is an owlet
...
is a baby goblin a goblet?

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
K Eilander
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Everyone is required to do their own growing.
(No matter how tall their grandfather was.)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
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The inventor of the suspenders
has just been awarded the
No-Belt Prize.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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I'll never forget the day my grandfather pulled me aside and said, "Son, always keep your eye on the ball. That's 90% of the game."

Poor old gramps never really was much of a hockey man.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
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I don't think this one has been told yet...

Patient - "Doctor, Doctor, I only have 59 more seconds to live!".
Doctor - "Just a minute."

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Blessed at we who can laugh at ourselves for we shall never cease to be amused.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Mountains aren't just funny,
They're hill areas.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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I have lost my mind
and am making no
effort to look for it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?

An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.


Did you know there is a church for eagles?

They are birds of pray after all.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road.

When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Leigh Tate
author & steward
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3321
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Blog: 5 Acres & A Dream
Books: Kikobian Books | Permies Digital Market

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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 The chicken you are eating had a family.


 That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found him a laying on the road.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A relationship between husband and wife is psychologically.

One is psycho and one is logical.

Please don't try to figure our who is who.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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The reason life works at all, is because not everyone in your family is nuts on the same day.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Shortest horror story ever:

MONDAY

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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At my funeral I'd like there to be a Pinata so that people can be happy.

But filled with bee's, so they're not to happy.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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I was super busy on Pi day, so excuse my lateness...

Question: Why should you never talk to Pi?

Answer: Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

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Jay Angler
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Tom: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
Pee Wee: I don’t know.
Tom: A rash of good luck on St. Patrick’s Day.

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Jay Angler
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What do you get if you cross Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?

St. O’Clause!

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Leigh Tate
author & steward
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Blog: 5 Acres & A Dream
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Carla Burke
Rusticator
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5008
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Every St Patrick's Day, I give my wife a cubic zirconia ring.

            It's a sham rock.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
Dennis Barrow
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My grandpa told me he saw the Titanic and from the beginning he told them not to get on board because it was going to sink.
But no one listened and he kept telling them right up until the minute he got kicked out of the movie theater.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Courage is knowing it may hurt and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same.

And that's why life is hard.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s two gross.

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Jay Angler
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Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.

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John F Dean
master steward
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How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?  Two.   One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

 
John F Dean
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My wife ripped into me today about how I never buy her flowers.   I can’t believe how unobservant I’ve been.  Close to 50 years we’ve been together and I never realized she sold them.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

 
It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere - Voltair
montana community seeking 20 people who are gardeners or want to be gardeners
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