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meaningless drivel

jokes

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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"I'm going to put this somewhere safe",
is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline,
through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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Screw health foods!

I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get!!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 15517

Location: SW Missouri

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posted 2 years ago

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Another wooden ball.
You'd think the folks who make avocados could at least occasionally put in a different toy!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Carla Burke

Rusticator

Posts: 9244

Location: Missouri Ozarks

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posted 2 years ago

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331285495_189393520360986_5392292121499031313_n.jpg

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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A gale walks up to a kite and starts making fun of it, saying things like, "You call that flying? You stink!"

The kite replies, "Are you winding me up?"

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 2 years ago

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For sale:

guitar

yoyo

puppet

kite

$5 for the lot

Genuine reason for sale: no strings attached

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Jay Angler

master steward

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posted 2 years ago

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Four kite strings stop in front of a suspicious-looking bar. The first kite string says: "I'm going in for a beer." He goes in, and the bartender says: "We don't serve kite strings in here." So he walks out. The second and third kite strings go in with the same results. "Get out! We don't serve kite strings in here!" The fourth kite string takes off his hat, places his hand on top of his head, and rubs his hair around, tangling it. Then, he puts his hat back onto his head and enters the bar confidently. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks: "Aren't you a kite string?" The kite string takes his hat off, bows, and says: "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

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Leigh Tate

author & steward

Posts: 5628

Location: Southeastern U.S. - Zone 7b

3319

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shrink.jpg

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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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Not to brag,
but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

315

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posted 2 years ago

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If a baby pig is a piglet
and a baby owl is an owlet
...
is a baby goblin a goblet?

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

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K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

315

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posted 2 years ago

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Everyone is required to do their own growing.
(No matter how tall their grandfather was.)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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The inventor of the suspenders
has just been awarded the
No-Belt Prize.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 527

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

315

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posted 2 years ago

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I'll never forget the day my grandfather pulled me aside and said, "Son, always keep your eye on the ball. That's 90% of the game."

Poor old gramps never really was much of a hockey man.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

Matt McSpadden

gardener

Posts: 2884

Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)

1438

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posted 2 years ago

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I don't think this one has been told yet...

Patient - "Doctor, Doctor, I only have 59 more seconds to live!".
Doctor - "Just a minute."

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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Blessed at we who can laugh at ourselves for we shall never cease to be amused.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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Mountains aren't just funny,
They're hill areas.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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I have lost my mind
and am making no
effort to look for it.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?

An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.

Did you know there is a church for eagles?

They are birds of pray after all.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road.

When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

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Leigh Tate

author & steward

Posts: 5628

Location: Southeastern U.S. - Zone 7b

3319

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posted 2 years ago

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mushrooms.jpg

Blog: 5 Acres & A Dream
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Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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The chicken you are eating had a family.

That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found him a laying on the road.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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A relationship between husband and wife is psychologically.

One is psycho and one is logical.

Please don't try to figure our who is who.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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The reason life works at all, is because not everyone in your family is nuts on the same day.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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Shortest horror story ever:

MONDAY

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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At my funeral I'd like there to be a Pinata so that people can be happy.

But filled with bee's, so they're not to happy.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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I was super busy on Pi day, so excuse my lateness...

Question: Why should you never talk to Pi?

Answer: Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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Tom: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
Pee Wee: I don’t know.
Tom: A rash of good luck on St. Patrick’s Day.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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What do you get if you cross Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?

St. O’Clause!

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Leigh Tate

author & steward

Posts: 5628

Location: Southeastern U.S. - Zone 7b

3319

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posted 2 years ago

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invisible-man.jpg

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Carla Burke

Rusticator

Posts: 9244

Location: Missouri Ozarks

4997

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posted 2 years ago

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Every St Patrick's Day, I give my wife a cubic zirconia ring.

It's a sham rock.

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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My grandpa told me he saw the Titanic and from the beginning he told them not to get on board because it was going to sink.
But no one listened and he kept telling them right up until the minute he got kicked out of the movie theater.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 909

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

517

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posted 2 years ago

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Courage is knowing it may hurt and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same.

And that's why life is hard.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s two gross.

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Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 13827

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

8157

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posted 2 years ago

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Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.

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John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 7659

Location: southern Illinois, USA

2828

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posted 2 years ago

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How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 7659

Location: southern Illinois, USA

2828

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posted 2 years ago

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My wife ripped into me today about how I never buy her flowers. I can’t believe how unobservant I’ve been. Close to 50 years we’ve been together and I never realized she sold them.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk … sour and chunky.

I agree. Here's the link: http://stoves2.com