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jokes

 
gardener
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I named my pet newt "Tiny".
Why Tiny?
Because he's my newt!
 
Posts: 62
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Me:  Have you ever tried vegan cheese?

Husband:  Wow, I didn't know you could milk a vegan..






 
master gardener
Posts: 2799
Location: southern Illinois.
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SNOWVID-21 ?
 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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There was an old man who lived by a forest
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 202
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.



An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
 
pioneer
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Up next in the news

Tigerwoods out of bounds....paloverde turn 7
 
Sarah Elizabeth
Posts: 62
Location: Northern temperate zone. Changeable maritime climate. 1000ft above sea level.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?      

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.


 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
 
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”


—Mitch Hedberg
 
Jay Angler
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“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”


—Ellen DeGeneres
 
Jay Angler
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“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
 
ben heidorn
pioneer
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Sarah Elizabeth wrote:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?      

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.




What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2799
Location: southern Illinois.
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Has it bothered anyone else that the patient is the Operation game was clearly awake?
 
Greg Martin
gardener
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I have a chicken proof lawn....it's impeccable
 
Greg Martin
gardener
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Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the eek-osystem
 
ben heidorn
pioneer
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Spring has sprung!
IMG_65501.jpg
[Thumbnail for IMG_65501.jpg]
20210228_085508.jpg
A little spring clean-up!
A little spring clean-up!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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My wife is having me drag all of our old exercise equipment out of the basement for a yard sale.  She is calling it a going out of fitness sale.
 
pollinator
Posts: 266
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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What's it called when a crab is walking to its part time job?
A side hustle.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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As a kid I would wish for my dreams to come true ... I guess I should have specified the good ones.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I am really not a loser.  I just win at the wrong things.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?
Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.

What’s small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.

I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.

I have a bird feeder in the garden
It also works as a cat feeder

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I face my problems one day at a time ... tomorrow.
 
Jay Angler
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“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”



—Jerry Seinfeld
 
Jay Angler
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I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
 
Sarah Elizabeth
Posts: 62
Location: Northern temperate zone. Changeable maritime climate. 1000ft above sea level.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Only one, but the entire world has to revolve around them.


 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Ok, if you really want to know the cause of Anaphylactic shock, I can give it to you in a nutshell.
 
John F Dean
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This morning, getting out of bed was an outstanding personal achievement.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Sometimes I wish my life was not done in front of a live audience.
 
Jay Angler
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“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”


—Mark Twain
 
ben heidorn
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Sarah Elizabeth wrote:

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Only one, but the entire world has to revolve around them.




Heck yeah! I knew I could do eet!!
 
Sarah Elizabeth
Posts: 62
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^^^^^ Wow, Ben,  you are really getting into the swing of things. ^^^^^


Here's another one:

So two guys are walking in the woods and they come across a bear.

One of them bends down and starts doing up his shoe laces and the other guy says "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear."

"I know" he says "but I can outrun you".



 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I had a coworker tell me I intimidate others, so I glared at her until she apologized.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I remember buying my first universal remote and thinking, “Now this changes everything.”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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FARMERS WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surged through it.

I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.
 
steward
Posts: 34055
Location: missoula, montana (zone 4)
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A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins every day on their walk home.

After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"

"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I have a photo of Mt Rushmore before the carvings were done. It is unpresidented.
 
John F Dean
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I am a heroine addict.  I love stories about women who have saved someone’s life.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I was told the silliest thing by my counselor. He told me I was using liquor as a crutch.  I told him that was impossible, crutches help people walk.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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As I was getting dressed today, I noticed my New Balance shoes were getting kind of old ... am I in danger of falling?
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