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jokes

 
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
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I slept like a log last night…
woke up in the fireplace.
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Birthdays are good for you.  Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!

50 is the new.... what was I saying?

(Finally happened...I've crossed into my 50s)
 
master gardener
Posts: 2112
Location: southern Illinois.
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With 2020 going the way it has, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go.
 
John F Dean
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You know, the thing I hate most about parallel parking is the wittnesses.
 
pollinator
Posts: 127
Location: Eastern Ontario
36
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A man asks his sister to watch his house and cat while he takes an extended vacation.  
Half way through his vacation he checks in, "How is Fluffy?"
"He is dead, he fell out of tree and got hit by a car".  
"How could you break the news to me like that?  You need to soften the blow somehow. Like tell me his is stuck up a tree and then when I call next then you tell me he fell and got run over.  My God what is wrong with you?  Anyways how is Mom?"

His sister pauses for a long while and says " She is stuck up a tree"
 
Jeff Marchand
pollinator
Posts: 127
Location: Eastern Ontario
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A travelling salesman was plying his wares at a small country farm.  He asks the farmer about a three legged pig that seems to have free run of the place.  
"That pig is the best big you ever hope to see! Last year we had a small fire in the barn, That pig bust out of his pen and woke us up.  He saved the farm that day!"
"Did he loose his leg in the fire?" asks the salesman.
"Oh no, you cant eat a pig that good all at once!"
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
Location: SW Missouri
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly, asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6299
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An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2112
Location: southern Illinois.
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No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I need to let someone here know that I have been quarantined with my wife for the better part of 6 months.  So, if I am found dead ....it wasn't  the COVID.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I never imagined the day would come that I would go to the bank wearing a mask and ask for money.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I am pretty sure I graduated from the only college in the country where  no one paid bribes to attend.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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As 2020 is winding down, and we are beginning to seek some hope for the new year  ... just remember .... we still haven't  seen the Murder Hornets!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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My wife and I stopped by a big box store this evening.  Yes, it was pushing the season with the Christmas displays. But you know, some of those plastic trees look as good as the real metal ones.
 
John F Dean
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Well, anyway, I got off to an early start this morning, so i grabbed lunch a little early ..., a can of alphabet soup. Then i had a vowel movement.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Hey,  remember when we used to TP the houses of people we DIDN'T like?
 
John F Dean
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Yesterday I put a couple of hours into cleaning out the barn.  Although I am well past the age, I realized someone had taken my limbo stick. I mean, how low can you go?!!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on?  Remains to be seen.
 
John F Dean
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It is easy to get down in this Covid crisis.  Always remember you are unique ... just like everyone else.
 
John F Dean
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Have you ever wondered how nudists clean their glasses?
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
Location: Maine, zone 5
861
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A poultry farmer was distressed because his chickens stopped laying eggs. He didn’t know what to do about it, but one of his friends, a physicist, offered to help.
The physicist came out to the farm, took a bunch of measurements, and went back home to analyze the data.
The physicist called the farmer on the phone and said: “Okay, I have a solution for your problem, though it might only work with spherical chickens in a vacuum.”
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 1979
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Parallel lines have so much in common....
it's a shame they'll never meet!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Hell, I knew to stop shaking hands as soon as I realized everyone was out of TP.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I thought about making a sodium joke, but after giving it some thought ... NA
 
pollinator
Posts: 114
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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16 sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
 
John F Dean
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Butterflies aren't what they used to be.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Yesterday I decided to reform my diet. I removed all the unhealthy food from my refrigerator.  It was delicious!
 
John F Dean
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In high school my teachers called me average.   I thought that was mean.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Have you ever considered that clapping was hitting yourself because you liked something?
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought.

Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?" "Well," says the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

 
master gardener
Posts: 3435
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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To get you in the mood...

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo


What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A cereal killer.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Auto correct is my own worst enema.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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More people should try meditation. It is better than sitting around doing nothing.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Many years ago my wife brought in an interior decorator.  His first task was to drop by our house to determine our style. He walked though our house, and my wife asked him what our style was. He replied, "There Appears To Have Been a Struggle."
 
Jay Angler
master gardener
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Getting closer...

What did the ghost say to the psychiatrist?

I used to be somebody.



What did the witch say at the Department of Motor Vehicles?

As a matter of fact, I can drive a stick.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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It's not that I am anti social, I am just pro me.
gift
 
6 Ways To Keep Chickens - pdf download
will be released to subscribers in: soon!
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