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jokes

 
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A man was walking past a restaurant when he noticed a sign in the window which read "Unique Breakfast" so he entered and sat down at a table.
A waitress brought him some coffee and asked what he would like to order.
"I noticed the sign in your window," he said. "What exactly is your "Unique Breakfast?"
"Broiled chicken tongue," she replied.
"Broiled chicken tongue?" Have you any idea how revolting that is? Never would I even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he snarled.
Unruffled by his attitude, the waitress asked, "Well sir, what would you like then?"
"Scrambled eggs and toast," he replied.
 
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A man was arrested for killing a train engineer.   When he went to court he told the judge it was a crime of passion. He was in a jealous rage because he was in love with the train.  The judge ruled it was a locomotive.
 
master gardener
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A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he could find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly the coffin stopped.
 
John F Dean
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I have spent most if the summer digging a trench to get power to my barn.  I had been planning on getting water there too, but that is just a pipe dream.
 
John F Dean
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Does it seem strange to anyone else that we used to eat cake after someone else had blown on it?!!
 
Pearl Sutton
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Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Well, have you ever found an elephant in your custard?
No? Then it must work!

 
John F Dean
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I suspect that much of the Covid 19 kickback is a marketing issue.  Maybe instead of " quarantined " we should say " Exiled for the good of the realm".
 
Greg Martin
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Why was the snowman going through all the carrots?
He was picking his nose!
 
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Did you hear about Santa's stand up comedy routine?
He sleighed it.
 
John F Dean
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Yea, I know this is old, but I am in the mood:

With the COVID crisis the economy has gotten to be so bad that Bayer (Monsanto) has had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
 
John F Dean
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Good news! Anyone wearing a mask with glasses may be entitled to condensation.
 
John F Dean
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I took motorcycle in for service, but the minister said it was blocking the aisle.
 
Greg Martin
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Rest in peace boiling water.....you will be mist.
 
Greg Martin
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Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed out on the opportunity to name them substitooths!
 
Greg Martin
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Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths?
Me: I perform under pressure...
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Me: (deep breath)
Mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu ba de
PRESSURE, pushing down on me....
 
Greg Martin
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A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to sleep and to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for...

"Transporting mynahs across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
 
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Don't tell secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beanstalk.
 
Jay Angler
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My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.    

- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Jay Angler
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A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except fro learning how to grow in rows.  

- Doug Larson
 
Jay Angler
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Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.
 
Jay Angler
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Where do farmers send their kids to grow?

Kinder-garden
 
Jay Angler
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying tin the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"'
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."
 
Jay Angler
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Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
 
Jay Angler
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Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs?

His name is Paddy O'Furniture.
 
Jay Angler
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A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
 
Jay Angler
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Do you want a brief explanation of an acorn?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
 
John F Dean
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I went out to the barn to test out some of my jokes.  I got mooed off the stage.
 
Pearl Sutton
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There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.

Its called Monday.


 
Pearl Sutton
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A furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in the US.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


 
Pearl Sutton
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When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It!' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested."

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am SO glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."


 
Pearl Sutton
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied."

And what's your wish genie?", the husband said."Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright."The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!"


 
Pearl Sutton
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A priest, a lawyer and an engineer have all been sentenced to death by guillotine for crimes they had committed. The executioner asks the priest whether he wishes to lay face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest states he would prefer to die face up which would enable him to be looking towards Heaven when he dies.
The priest is placed in the guillotine and the executioner releases the lever. The blade comes speeding down, but jams just short of the priest's throat. Taking this as a sign from God, the priest is released and set free.

Next, the lawyer is led to the guillotine, and hoping he will be as fortunate as the priest, he too decides to lay face up. Again the blade is released and jams just inches away from his throat. As with the priest, the lawyer is released and set free.

Finally, the engineer is led to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the lever, the engineer shouts, "Wait! I think I see what your problem is!"

 
John F Dean
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I had a friend with a homestead in the southwest. He kept emailing me about how successful he was at harvesting water from the atmosphere. I finally called him and questioned him about his device and results. It finally dawned on me he was just making dew.
 
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A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me."

"Then why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"

 
John F Dean
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An ambulance drives to to attend to a farmer severely injured in his field.  The younger EMT rushes ahead does an assessment. The older one asks, " What have we got?"   The younger one replies, "He is pretty messed up. His  wallet says  ....." The older EMT interrupts, " No, No No...."  But the first one continues, " ....his name is Alois Soukup."  The older one sighs, and begins walking back to the ambulance. He tells the younger EMT to call the coroner.  The younger EMT objects, " Why? He's messed up but we can help him."  The older EMT responds, " Sorry.  Ain't  nothing we can do. Policy is clear. Once a patient has been pronounced in the field, we have to call the coroner."
 
John F Dean
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Two travelers find themselves spending a night at an inn during a snowstorm.  It promises to be a long evening.  The older one approaches the younger to make a wager to make the evening more interesting.   But, with each attempt, the younger one shows no interest.  Finally, the older one comes up with a game of riddles and offers the young traveler 10 to one odds. The younger accepts and tells the older traveler to go first.

The older traveler thinks for a few minutes and asks, " How would you measure the volume of an irregularly shaped object?"  Without saying a word, the young traveler hands the other one $5.00.

The younger traveler now thinks for a while and asks," What has the strength of a lion, the wisdom of an owl, and the endurance of a bull?" The older traveler ponders this for an hour and finally gives up. He hands over $50.00.  

After a period of silence, the older traveler asks, "Well, what is it?"  The younger traveler gives him $5.00.
 
John F Dean
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One minute you are young and wild,  and the next minute you are into air fryers.
 
John F Dean
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Partyboob spelled backwards is boobytrap.
 
When people don't understand what you are doing they call you crazy. But this tiny ad just doesn't care:
Rocket Mass Heater Manual - now free for a while
https://permies.com/goodies/8/rmhman
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