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jokes

 
John F Dean
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Well, it didn't work out.  I was assigned to the can crusher. It was soda depressing.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Phil Gardener
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John F Dean wrote:I just landed a job at the recycling center.  When they asked me if I had any experience, I showed them the jokes I had posted on this site.



What, they didn't send you over to the composting division???  :>)
 
Dennis Barrow
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I don't curse.   I speak fluent trucker with a sailor dialect and a construction accent.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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OK.  It is pretty clear that I should have read the 2021 Terms and Conditions.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, "Sorry, my fault!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Phil Gardener
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Dennis Barrow wrote:One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, "Sorry, my fault!"



Better shift than starting a rift!
 
Heather Sharpe
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Y'all botany plants lately?

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
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I am still trying to deal with one of my Christmas gifts.  My mother-in-law has never approved of my lifestyle.  I suppose she thought she was doing the right thing by giving me a horse drawn carriage.  Of course, horses aren't very good at drawing carriages.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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My wife wanted a cream separator.   I didn't  see the big deal about making skimmed milk ... until I tried to throw my goat across the pond.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
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I tried to catch fog.

I mist.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.  

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
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I read a sports article referring to Tom Brady as a goat. Does that make him a satyr?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Orchestras are 1800s cover bands.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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What type of music is scary for birthday balloons?


Pop Music

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c–

MOO!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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If you’re American when you go in the bathroom…
… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I thought when I came out I was Finnish

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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...and when I go in, I am normally Russian.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

1forrest1.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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(There are two "banana belts" in Canada. I live in one of them, but alas, it is below freezing today, so I thought I'd post some jokes that many Canadians consider regular winter life.)

You know you're from Canada when... you design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

...you attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest  jewelery and your Sorels*.



*Sorels are a brand of very warm snow boots. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... or in the person who wants warm feet.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Dennis Barrow
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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?


“Oops!”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Douglas Alpenstock
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To err is human; to moo, bovine.
 
Dennis Barrow
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A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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A man walked into the forest to speak to a talking tree. When he found it, it had been chopped down and was laying on the forest floor. "What is happening ?" the man asked.  The tree replied, "Dialogue."

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Greg Martin
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I went on a tour of Charles Dickens house and when we were going through the kitchen I noticed his spice rack had only two bottles.
I got closer to see what they were.  They were labeled "the best of thymes" and "the worst of thymes".

(Anybody else kind of want to do that in their kitchen?)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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My super power....I can jump higher than the tallest building!
(buildings can't jump)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a rum........................and coke.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “Don't know.  I was just born with them.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
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You know,  East and West really are a world apart. Cowboys go "Yee Haw!"  And, Ninjas go "Hee Yaw!"

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I was caught illegally hunting mushrooms. The judge told me I have questionable Morels.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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The #1 cause of forest fires is trees.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Greg Martin
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What's E.T. short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Greg Martin
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
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I used to be an amateur Crastinator. Then I decided to become a Pro.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Whatever it is you do, always  give 100% ... unless you are donating blood.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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A different twist on an old one ....

The MD did no good for the man's ED, so he went to a Shaman.  The Shaman explained that once a month satisfaction could be achieved by saying, "1,2,3".   When he was finished, he needed to say, "1,2,3,4."  The man was thrilled, and he demonstrated to his wife. She was impressed, but asked, "Why did you say 1,2,3 for?".   There is a moral.... never end a sentence with a preposition or you may be left with a dangling participle.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
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A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

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