jokes

If you were in a jungle by yourself and a gorilla charged you, what would you do?



Pay him.

A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

"Tag, you're it".

Ben House wrote:updog

What's updog?

What is the same about a raven and a carrot?

They are both black except the carrot.

True story,

I was driving on I-40 in the Smokies leaving TN and entering NC maybe 10 years ago.  I looked in the review mirror and it was Christmas.  I looked at the speedometer, and the first number was a 9.  I pulled over asap.  The officer asked for my license. I was justifiably nervous, and began to hand him my wallet open to my license.  I apologized immediately and began to remove the license. He said, " That's OK sir, just try
to slow it down."  No ticket.  No warning ticket.  

In Ashvile, I stopped and grabbed a sandwich and ordered a beer.  I was carded.  The conversation immediately went to yes sir and no sir.  I stare and my drivers license to try to figure it out. Then it hit me.  I was showing my FOID card from Illinois. For those who don't know, that is Firearm Owners Identification.  It was in a framed window in my wallet. The first two lines were blocked by the frame. Here are the first 3 lines (remember, only the 3rd line was visible:

                                                                                Firearm Owners Identification Card
                                                                                                  Issued By The
                                                                                              Illinois State Police

Illinois has changed the format of the Foid Card since then.

Why do mice generally have such tiny balls?

Because so few of them know how to dance.

Well, to be Frank.. I'd have to change my name.

(anyone else have some good/bad name jokes?)

A lawyer was traveling on the road when an armadillo crossed the road in front of his car.
He stopped and put the armadillo in his backseat.
A few miles on, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.
The policeman asked for his ID and looked in the car, and saw the armadillo inside.

Police officer: You can't carry that sir, it's a wild animal and you need to return it or I will fine you.
The Lawyer said: Well, that armadillo is my pet. He's been with me since he was a baby. If you drop him on the ground, I'll whistle for him and he'll come back running to me.
Police officer: I doubt that.
Then drop it, said the lawyer.
So the police officer drops him on the ground and the armadillo goes running straight to the woods.
Police Officer: Well? Call the armadillo back.
Lawyer: What armadillo?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo and the possum how to do it right.

Pearl Sutton wrote: Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo and the possum how to do it right.

Why did the chicken cross the road?....

- Julius Caesar:  It came, it saw, it crossed.

- Bill Clinton:  The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard).

- Bob Dylan:  How many roads must one chicken cross?

- Fox Mulder:  You saw it cross the road with your own two eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

- Bill Gates:  We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business.

- Ernest Hemingway:  To die. In the rain.

- Colonel Sanders:  I missed one?

- Marcel Marceau:

- John McEnroe:  Cross the road?! You cannot be serious!! That chicken was on the line!!!

- Jack Nicholson:  Cause it fucking wanted to. That's the fucking reason.

- Life Of Brian:  He's not a chicken, he's a very naughty bird.

A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi comes by and rips the door off. He begins screaming about the value of his car.  A cop arrives on the scene and trys to calm the lawyer down, but is not successful. He finally tells the lawyer he is too materialistic.  The cop says you are so concerned about your car you haven't noticed your left arm is missing.  The lawyer looks at where his arm was and screams, " Oh my God, my Rolex!"

I pray that I live to see the day when a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.

Three women are in a sauna.  One german, one japanese and one redneck.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The redneck woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The redneck woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."

I walking by a park and saw a very attractive woman who appeared homeless.  I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. So, I took her box.

When I was a child there was one rule in our home that was never to be broken.  I was to never, ever, open the basement door. One day, when the house was very quiet, I crept to the door and opened it. I was introduced to the most amazing place. There was grass, and trees, and birds, and sun light!!!

We had our tractor serviced today...

...we are hoping for a boy!

While at a motel, I went to breakfast and sat by a gentleman who was on the phone. I overheard him say that he had "lost time yesterday" because his "passengers got cranky" so he "stopped at a truck stop and hosed them down with cold water." Then I noticed a school bus in front of the motel that hadn't been there the day before. When the gentleman ended his call I asked him if that was his bus. "No," he replied "I'm in the back with a semi load of pigs."

:D

A Buddist orders a hot dog, "Make me one with everything."

You are on a galloping horse.
On your right is a sharp drop off.
On your left is an elephant running along side you.
In front of you is another galloping horse that you can't overtake.
Behind you is a lion running after you.
What must you do to get out of this dangerous situation?

Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!

I went to the bee keeper to buy some bees.  All of them had price tags on them except for one.

It was a freebie!

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and are responsible for hundreds of deaths per year.  But in reality humans kill far more of each other every year....so that's just being hippocritical.

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out the operator said "Have a good day son."
I replied "Don't call me son, you're not my father."

He scratched his head and said "No.  But I brought you up, didn't I?"

Noah's diary.....day 39:

"Unicorn pie is freaking delicious!"

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants....

feefiphobia.

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.  "No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"  "No!" she snapped again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"   "No!"

By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"   "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one started talking about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," he said. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere; it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a dragon with a skunk?
A: I don’t know but PLEASE don’t make it mad!

The best advice I ever got was from my high school chemistry teacher who told me that alcohol was a solution.

Once I had a pet Chameleon that couldn't  change colors.   The vet told me he had a reptile dysfunction.

I once had a bird that wouldn't stop chirping.  The vet told it had Chirpies. That is a Canarial disease.

I just joined a club for Atheists.  It is a non prophet organization.

Anyway, this morning, when my wife was putting on make up, I told her I thought she was arching her eyebrows too high.  She looked surprised  at me.

During my first venture into management, I made a terrible mistake. I was visited by two guys who said they were from OSHA.   I thought they were talking about a small town in Wisconsin.

Last night I woke up and found a man rummaging through my house. He said he was looking for money.  So, I began looking with him. We were both disappointed.

My Border Collie kept chasing people on a bike.  No matter what I did, he wouldn't stop.  I finally took his bike away.

I hate office parties.  It is not so much the party as it is looking for a new job the next day.

I have come to accept that the only way I will have a smokin hot body is cremation.