jokes

When my wife found out I was not a good electrician, she was shocked.

One of my cows was in spasms, so I called the vet.  He said it was beef jerky.

"Millennials Trying to Farm" (3.5 minutes) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LbJEcS4GyM

Snow White is having problems. Sneezy has been quarantined,  and 6 of the seven dwarfs aren't Happy.

I'm afraid the human race is using so much toilet paper it is going to wipe itself out.

I used to think I was indecisive,  but now I'm not so sure.

We hired someone to install a quartz countertop by our sink. He was counter productive.

The fastest animal on land is a toddler who has been asked about what they just put in their mouth.

I finally called the Tinnitus Hotline.  Nobody answered. It just kept ringing.

I was really happy when cannabis was legalized in Illinois.  Then, I lost everything in a series of small fires.

Do you think they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?
Or just a low ha?

My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away!

Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻

Somebody broke into the area nudist compound. The police are looking into it.

I've named my new horse Mayo ...and sometimes Mayo neighs.

Trees are relieved when spring comes.

Hot-dogs should be eaten with considerable relish.

Geometry holds clues for the meaning of life; look and you will see the sines.

Poorly run fishing companies have a net loss.

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he softly whispered.

That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.

It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding.

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

An engineer's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The engineer says, "Yes."

I was surprised to learn that optomologists live longer than others in the medical profession.  Then I realized why, they dilate.

I have long suffered from a fear of over engineered buildings. Yes, I have a complex complex complex.

My doe has stopped producing milk. She is either a milk dud or an udder failure.

One more joke from me today since it's Benoit B. Mandelbrot's birthday:

What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
 
Benoit B. Mandelbrot!

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!

.

You guys did babies and then math - I raise you to math and babies:

Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3...

A contractor dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the contractor.

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the contractor, “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets.”

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Life is like a game of Chess .... I am not very good at Chess.

Tall people sleep longer in bed.

A fly feels a bug on its back.

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asks.

"I mite be," giggles the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groans the fly.

"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

On the first day of my flying lessons I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”