• Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com private forums all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Nicole Alderman
  • Anne Miller
  • r ranson
  • paul wheaton
  • Pearl Sutton
  • James Freyr
stewards:
  • Burra Maluca
  • Mike Haasl
  • Joylynn Hardesty
master gardeners:
  • Steve Thorn
  • Greg Martin
gardeners:
  • thomas rubino
  • Jay Angler
  • Tereza Okava

jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I just read a book on marriage that says to treat your wife the way you did on your first date.
So after dinner  this evening, I dropped her off at her parents house.
 
gardener
Posts: 2539
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
924
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules.
A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one.
The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was.
He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
EDIT: This came off the net, was NOT me, I just laughed when i read it!

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten o'clock I heard Rich hollering something indecipherable from the kitchen. As I raced out to see what was wrong, I saw Rich frantically rooting around under the kitchen sink and Rudy, or rather, Rudy's headless body scrambling around in the sink, his claws clicking in panic on the metal. Rich had just ground up the skin of some smoked salmon in the garbage disposal, and when he left the room, Rudy had gone in after it. It is very disturbing to see the headless body of your cat in the sink. This is an animal that I have slept with nightly for ten years, who burrows under the covers and purrs against my side, and who now looked like a desperate, fur-covered turkey carcass set to defrost in the sink while still alive and kicking.

It was also disturbing to see Rich, Mr. Calm-in-an-Emergency, at his wits end, trying to soothe Rudy, trying to undo the garbage disposal, failing at both, and basically freaking out. Adding to the chaos was Rudy's twin brother Lowell, racing around in circles, jumping onto the kitchen counter and alternately licking Rudy's backside for comfort and biting it out of fear.

Clearly, I had to do something. First we tried to ease Rudy out of the disposal by lubricating his head and neck. We tried baby shampoo & Crisco: both failed, and a now-greasy Rudy kept struggling. Rich then decided to take apart the garbage disposal, which was a good idea, but he couldn't do it. The thing is constructed like a metal onion: you peel off one layer and another one appears, with Rudy's head still buried deep inside, stuck in a hard plastic collar.

My job during this process was to sit on the kitchen counter petting Rudy, trying to calm him, with the room spinning (vertigo), Lowell howling (he's part Siamese), and Rich clattering around with tools.

When all our efforts failed, we sought professional help. I called our regular plumber, who actually called me back quickly, even at 11 pm. He talked Rich through further layers of disposal dismantling, but still we couldn't reach Rudy. I called the 1-800 number for Insinkerator (no response), a pest removal service that advertises 24-hour service (no response), an all-night emergency veterinary clinic (who had no experience in this matter, so no advice), and finally, in desperation, 911. I could see that Rudy's normally pink paw pads were turning blue. The fire department, I figured, gets cats out of trees; maybe they could get one out of a garbage disposal.

The dispatcher had other ideas and offered to send over two policemen. This suggestion gave me pause. I'm from the sixties, and even if I am currently a fine upstanding citizen, I had never considered calling the cops and asking them to come to my house, on purpose. I resisted the suggestion, but the dispatcher was adamant: "They'll help you out," he said.

The cops arrived close to midnight and turned out to be quite nice. More importantly, they were also able to think rationally, which we were not. They were, of course, quite astonished by the situation: "I've never seen anything like this," Officer Mike kept saying. (The unusual circumstances helped us get quickly on a first-name basis with our cops.) Officer Tom expressed immediate sympathy. "I have had cats all my life," he said, comfortingly. Also he had an idea. Evidently we needed a certain tool, a tiny, circular rotating saw that could cut through the heavy plastic flange encircling Rudy's neck without hurting Rudy, and Officer Tom happened to own one. "I live just five minutes from here," he said; "I'll go get it."

He soon returned, and the three of them, Rich and the two policemen got under the sink together to cut through the garbage disposal. I sat on the counter, holding Rudy and trying not to succumb to the surreal-ness of the scene, with the weird middle-of-the-night lighting, the room's occasional spinning, Lowell's spooky sound effects, an apparently headless cat in my sink and six disembodied legs poking out from under it.

One good thing came of this: the guys did manage to get the bottom off the disposal, so we could now see Rudy's face and knew he could breathe. But they couldn't cut the flange without risking the cat. Stumped, Officer Tom had another idea. "You know,I think the reason we can't get him out is the angle of his head and body. If we could just get the sink out and lay it on its side, I'll bet we could slip him out." That sounded like a good idea at this point, ANYTHING would have sounded like a good idea and as it turned out, Officer Mike runs a plumbing business on weekends; he knew how to take out the sink! Again they went to work, the three pairs of legs sticking out from under the sink surrounded by an ever-increasing pile of tools and sink parts. They cut the electrical supply, capped off the plumbing lines, unfastened the metal clamps, unscrewed all the pipes, and about an hour later, viola! The sink was lifted gently out of the countertop, with one guy holding the garbage disposal (which contained Rudy's head) up close to the sink (which contained Rudy's body). We laid the sink on its side, but even at this more favorable removal angle, Rudy stayed stuck. Officer Tom's radio beeped, calling him away on some kind of real police business.

As he was leaving, though, he had another good idea: "You know," he said, "I don't think we can get him out while he's struggling so much. We need to get the cat sedated. If he were limp, we could slide him out." And off he went, regretfully, a cat lover still worried about Rudy. The remaining three of us decided that getting Rudy sedated was a good idea, but Rich and I were new to the area. We knew that the overnight emergency veterinary clinic was only a few minutes away, but we didn't know exactly how to get there. "I know where it is!" declared Officer Mike. "Follow me!" So Mike got into his patrol car, Rich got into the drivers seat of our car, and I got into the back, carrying the kitchen sink, what was left of the garbage disposal, and Rudy. It was now about 2:00 a.m. We followed Officer Mike for a few blocks when I decided to put my hand into the garbage disposal to pet Rudy's face, hoping I could comfort him. Instead, my sweet, gentle bedfellow chomped down on my finger, hard, really hard and wouldn't let go. My scream reflex kicked into gear, and I couldn't stop the noise. Rich slammed on the brakes, hollering "What? What happened? Should I stop?" checking us out in the rear view mirror. "No," I managed to get out between screams, "just keep driving. Rudy's biting me, but we've got to get to the vet. Just go!"

Rich turned his attention back to the road, where Officer Mike took a turn we hadn't expected, and we followed. After a few minutes Rudy let go, and as I stopped screaming, I looked up to discover that we were wandering aimlessly through an industrial park, in and out of empty parking lots, past little streets that didn't look at all familiar. "Where's he taking us?" I asked. "We should have been there ten minutes ago!" Rich was as mystified as I was, but all we knew to do was follow the police car until, finally, he pulled into a church parking lot and we pulled up next to him. As Rich rolled down the window to ask, Mike, "where are we going?" The cop, who was not Mike, rolled down his window and asked, "Why are you following me?"

Once Rich and I recovered from our shock at having tailed the wrong cop car and the policeman from his pique at being stalked, led us quickly to the emergency vet, where Mike greeted us by holding open the door, exclaiming, " Where were you guys???"

It was fortunate that Mike got to the vets ahead of us, because we hadn't thought to call and warn them about what was coming. (Clearly, by this time we weren't really thinking at all.) We brought in the kitchen sink containing Rudy and the garbage disposal containing his head, and the clinic staff was ready.

They took his temperature (which was down 10 degrees) and his oxygen level (which was half of normal), and the vet declared: "This cat is in serious shock. We've got to sedate him and get him out of there immediately." When I asked if it was OK to sedate a cat in shock, the vet said grimly, "We don't have a choice." With that, he injected the cat; Rudy went limp; and the vet squeezed about half a tube of K-Y jelly onto the cat's neck and pulled him free.

Then the whole team jumped into code blue mode. (I know this from watching a lot of ER) They laid Rudy on a cart, where one person hooked up IV fluids, another put little socks on his paws ("You'd be amazed how much heat they lose through their pads," she said), one covered him with hot water bottles and a blanket, and another took a blow-dryer to warm up Rudy's now very gunky head. The fur on his head dried in stiff little spikes, making him look rather pathetically punk as he lay there, limp and motionless.

At this point they sent Rich, Mike, and me to sit in the waiting room while they tried to bring Rudy back to life. I told Mike he didn't have to stay, but he just stood there, shaking his head. "I've never seen anything like this," he said again. At about 3 am, the vet came in to tell us that the prognosis was good for a full recovery. They needed to keep Rudy overnight to re-hydrate him and give him something for the brain swelling they assumed he had, but if all went well, we could take him home the following night. Just in time to hear the good news, Officer Tom rushed in, finished with his real police work and concerned about Rudy. I figured that once this ordeal was over and Rudy was home safely, I would have to re-think my position on the police.

Rich and I got back home about 3:30. We hadn't unpacked from our trip, I was still at times dizzy, and I still hadn't prepared my 8:40 class. "I need a vacation," I said, and while I called the office to leave a message canceling my class, Rich made us a pitcher of martinis. I slept late the next day and then badgered the vet about Rudy's condition until he said that Rudy could come home later that day.

I was working on the suitcases when the phone rang. "Hi, this is Steve Huskey from the Norristown Times-Herald," a voice told me. "Listen, I was just going through the police blotter from last night. Mostly it's the usual stuff: breaking and entering, petty theft but there's this one item. Um, do you have a cat?" So I told Steve the whole story, which interested him. A couple hours later he called back to say that his editor was interested, too; did I have a picture of Rudy? The next day Rudy was front-page news, under the ridiculous headline Catch of the Day Lands Cat in Hot Water.

There were some noteworthy repercussions to the newspaper article. Even today, over a year later, people ask about Rudy, whom a 9-year-old neighbor had always called the Adventure Cat. I don't know what the moral of this story is, but I do know that this adventure cost me $1100 in emergency vet bills, follow-up vet care, new sink, new plumbing, new electrical wiring, and new garbage disposal, one with a cover.

The vet can no longer say he's seen everything but the kitchen sink. I wanted to thank Officers Tom and Mike by giving them gift certificates, but was told that they couldn't accept gifts, that I would put them in a bad position if I tried. So I wrote a letter to the Police Chief praising their good deeds and sent thank-you notes to Tom and Mike, complete with pictures of Rudy, so they could see what he looks like with his head on.

And Rudy, whom we originally got for free (so we thought), still sleeps with me under the covers on cold nights and unaccountably, he still sometimes prowls the sink, hoping for fish...


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."
The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me."
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"
The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."
The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."
The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I'm smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?"
The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face.


 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 2539
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
924
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
One guy said to another guy, "I've got a problem."

The other fellow replied, "What kind of a problem?"

"I've got a drinking problem."

"What sort of a drinking problem?"

"I've been drinking a lot of brake fluid lately."

"Brake fluid?"

"The good news is, I can stop anytime."

 
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My wife loves collecting plates with classical patterns such as Desert Rose. What ticks me off is that she has to arrange them in alphabetical order according to the name of the pattern.  I understand it is a rare dish order.
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
There is no question that I have a twisted way of looking at the world.  But, why did the diabetes web site I was just on ask me if I will accept cookies?!!!
 
pollinator
Posts: 285
Location: Near Philadelphia, PA
61
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

John F Dean wrote:There is no question that I have a twisted way of looking at the world.  But, why did the diabetes web site I was just on ask me if I will accept cookies?!!!



That's what they do when the chips are down!
 
Posts: 59
Location: Rocky Ripple, IN
22
forest garden foraging medical herbs
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
All night I kept dreaming about mufflers. I have no idea what it means, but I'm exhausted.
 
master gardener
Posts: 1695
Location: Maine, zone 5
676
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I don't know why marvel hasn't tried to put ads on hulk.

He's essentially a large banner.
 
pollinator
Posts: 933
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
203
duck tiny house chicken composting toilet homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I've missed you, Greg, and I don't care who knows it.
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 1695
Location: Maine, zone 5
676
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Thanks Tim, here's another of my deep thoughts:

We should have known communism wouldn't work...there were so many red flags.
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
So, I am sitting in them living room, having my morning coffee, and all of a sudden my wife tells, "You haven't heard a thing i said!"   Weird.  Lately she has been starting alot of conversations like that.
 
Heather Olivia
Posts: 59
Location: Rocky Ripple, IN
22
forest garden foraging medical herbs
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Who the heck is this Rorscach guy and why is he always painting pictures of my parents fighting?!
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
So, yesterday was a big day.  We went to the city to get glasses. Due to construction issues, we parked in the empty parking lot of the closed Apple store.  In fact, they were cleaning the store when we parked there. This AM we got a call from the police. It seems that we saw a robbery in progress. That means we were an I-Witness.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Miss Smith is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked into her classroom one of her students, Sally, had brought a gift up to her desk.
"Guess what it is!" said Sally.
Knowing that Sally's father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?"
"How did you know?" asked Sally.
Next Dillon brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Dillon.
Knowing that Dillon's parents owned a florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?"
"How did you know?" asked Dillon.
Finally, Joey brought up a gift for Miss Smith.
"Guess what it is!" said Joey.
Knowing that Joey's father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them. "Rum?" guessed Miss Smith.
"No" said Joey.
She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed.
"No" said Joey.
Once again she wet her fingers and tasted, "I know," said Miss Smith, "It's wine."
"No!" said Joey...
"it's a puppy!!"

:D
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!"


 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 2539
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
924
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call a cross between a collie and a lhasa apso?


A Callapso - a dog which folds for easy transport.
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 2539
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
924
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Three boys see a fire engine with a dog go by and discuss what his job is.
‘Crowd control?’ says one boy.
‘He’s the mascot.’ says the second boy.
The third boy nods sagely: ‘He finds fire hydrants.’
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A peanut walks into a bar and is a salted.

A string walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "We don't serve strings." The string leaves and sloppily ties itself into a loop. He enters the bar. The bartender asks, "weren't you just here?"  The string replies," I'm a frayed knot."



 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
True story:

When Jurassic Park first came out, my wife and I were in a shopping mall. As we passed the movie theater,  a group of 3rd and 4th graders were looking at the posters and discussing the movie.  I dead panned to my wife, "Yea, but I heard they didn't use real dinosaurs." And, without looking back, I turned and walked away.  My wife still brings up to me the look on their faces.
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What happens when you cross a joke with a rhetorical  question?
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My neighbor dropped by and asked me if I could help him round up 18 head of cattle.  I told him, "Sure. That would be 20."
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The last time I was in a hotel, I asked for a wake -up call at 6:00 AM. The next morning the phone rang. I picked it up, and the girl said, "You are overweight and are going to die from a heart attack."
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I understand that Oregon leads the country in both depression and marital infidelity.   What a sad state of affairs!
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
For months I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.  Then I was born.
 
Posts: 254
Location: On the plateau in TN
22
urban books food preservation
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
roll down the car window, __________  AC
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
For some reason this flashed through my brain when I was out giving the livestock fresh water.

Al Capp was the cartoonist who created the comic strip  Li'l Abner. At a young age he was run over by a street car and lost a leg.  One morning , while he was staying at an upscale hotel, the valet entered  his room to take his order for breakfast.  Mr. Capp gave his order, and the valet, looking at the prosthetic leg sticking out from under the bed, asked, "and,what will the other gentleman have?"
 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point. The lady came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The lady said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive!" The milkman replied, "Oh, OK. Pasteurized?" She looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said... "No. Just up to my boobs."

 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 1695
Location: Maine, zone 5
676
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...
...so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 1695
Location: Maine, zone 5
676
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I had a racing snail.
To make him more aero-dynamic I took off his shell. If anything it made him more sluggish.
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 1695
Location: Maine, zone 5
676
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What state is below Tennessee?

Nine-esse
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 1695
Location: Maine, zone 5
676
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What state is above Tennessee...

(teehehe...couldn't help it)
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate' " said the head monk.


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 5262
Location: SW Missouri
2239
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then the pilots fly out to sea and come back to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.


 
John F Dean
master pollinator
Posts: 840
145
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet cooking food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
It is a statistical fact that those people who enjoy the most birthdays live the longest. It is also a statistical fact that too many birthdays can kill you.
 
I wasn't selected to go to mars. This tiny ad got in ahead of me:
Devious Experiments for a Truly Passive Greenhouse!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/paulwheaton/greenhouse-1
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic