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steward & bricolagier
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Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
 
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I kept wondering why the baseball was getting larger......then it hit me.
 
John F Dean
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Some people say I'm condescending.      That means I talk down to people.
 
John F Dean
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For those narrow minded people who insist that time travel is impossible, I would remind you that is exactly the kind of attitude that lost us World War III.
 
John F Dean
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Hi Pearl,

Your post reminds me of,  Why did the chicken go to the seance ? ....... To get to the other side.
 
Pearl Sutton
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For Greg Martin:

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."


A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." Neutrino replies, "Just passing through."


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”


Never trust atoms. They make up everything.


:D
Subatomic humor!

 
pollinator
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A man joins a monastery of the Strict Observance, where he's assigned a lifelong penance: He's allowed to speak only two words every seven years.

After seven years he enters the Abbot's office. "Very well, Brother", said the Abbot. "You have served us well for seven years; you may now say two words."

The brother thinks for a couple minutes, then says, "Hard bed." He then returns to his duties.

Seven more years pass. The brother has been in the order for fourteen years. He enters the Abbot's office again. "Brother, you have given our community another seven years of faithful service. You may say another two words.

After a moment's thought, the brother replies, "Bad food." He then quietly returns to his duties.

Another seven years pass. The good brother has now completed twenty-one years in the order. He arrives again in the Abbot's office. "Brother, you've given us another seven years of good service. You may now say two words."

Without hesitation, the brother blurts out, "I QUIT!"

The Abbot looks down shaking his head, takes off his glasses, and throws them disgustedly on his desk. "You know, I'm not surprised." He replies. "You've been complaining ever since you got here!"
9d3cb45da35d4cef13ab59d50077a500.jpg
[Thumbnail for 9d3cb45da35d4cef13ab59d50077a500.jpg]
 
John F Dean
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The Border Collie brought the herd in from the field and reported to the rancher, "You have 40 sheep."  The farmer says, "I know I only have 36 sheep." To which the Border Collie replied,"But I rounded them up."
 
John F Dean
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And God said to John, " Come forth and you shall have eternal life."  But John came in 5th and won a toaster.


How is holy water made? You boil the hell out of it.
 
John F Dean
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It was a miserable rainy day.  Joe had circled the block several times looking for a parking spot.  In frustration he shouted, Lord find me a parking space and I will give up drinking.  Instantly the clouds parted and a beam of light glowed down upon an empty parking space. Without hesitation Joe commented,  "Never mind. I found one."
 
garden master
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Why are there no covid-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they are Ice-o-lated.  

(so bad that I felt bad typing it....almost)
 
John F Dean
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A father, living in Tampa, called his son in NY and announced he was getting a divorce.  The son is shocked and begs his father not to go through with it.  The son calls his sister in Portland with the news. She explodes and assures her brother she will put and end to this madness. She calls her father and gets him to agree not to go through with anything until she and her brother get there for the holiday.  The man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife, "Good news. The kids will be here for Easter and they are paying for their own travel."
 
John F Dean
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A man walks into a bar and orders a Martini.   When his drink arrives, he pulls a jar out of his pocket, pulls the olives off the toothpick,  and drops the olives into the jar. He finishes his drink and orders another. Each drink, throughout the evening, he treats the same way by  removing the olives and placing them in the jar.  When the jar is full, he places it into his pocket and settles his bill. When the bartender asked him what the jar was from he replied, "Oh, nothing really. My wife sent me out to get a jar of olives."
 
Pearl Sutton
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I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Higgs Boson goes to the Vatican. The pope says "What you doing here Higgs?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me!"


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
 
John F Dean
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How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?  It depends upon what they want to  change it into.


How many counselors does it take to change a light bulb?  It depends upon how much it wants to change.
 
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John F Dean wrote:How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?  It depends upon what they want to  change it into.


How many counselors does it take to change a light bulb?  It depends upon how much it wants to change.


That reminds me of a couple more...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Just one - but the lightbulb has got to WANT to change!

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?  4 - one to change it and 3 others to share the experience!
 
John F Dean
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The past, present, and future walked into a bar.  Things got pretty tense.
 
Chris Watson
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Amy Francis wrote:

John F Dean wrote:How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?  It depends upon what they want to  change it into.


How many counselors does it take to change a light bulb?  It depends upon how much it wants to change.


That reminds me of a couple more...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Just one - but the lightbulb has got to WANT to change!

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?  4 - one to change it and 3 others to share the experience!


How many Greek Orthodox does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They don't change anything.

How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? Just light another candle!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
 
Pearl Sutton
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How do spoiled rich girls change a light bulb? "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"
 
John F Dean
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There are 10 kinds 9f people ...those who understand binary and those who don't.
 
John F Dean
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Great news!!!  I just got texted by an old friend who is a practicing Permie in North Korea.  I asked him how things were going. He said he can't complain.
 
John F Dean
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I tried to join this Scarcasm Club.  I couldn't tell if they let me join or not.
 
Amy Francis
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John F Dean wrote:I tried to join this Scarcasm Club.  I couldn't tell if they let me join or not.


Ha!  That reminds me of a similar oneliner...

The meeting on apathy tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest....
 
John F Dean
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Ok, I admit it. I got really stressed out last month when my shrink told me I'm a Kleptomaniac.  But I'm OK now.  I'm taking something.
 
Amy Francis
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John F Dean wrote:Ok, I admit it. I got really stressed out last month when my shrink told me I'm a Kleptomaniac.  But I'm OK now.  I'm taking something.



Reminded me of another oneliner...

I used to think I'm a werewolf, but I'm alright nowooooooooowoooooooooowoooooooooooooooow!
 
John F Dean
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I honestly apologize to everyone on this site whom I may have offended.  It was not that I was trying to be condescending.  I just had a lot of stuff on my mind that you could never understand.
 
Amy Francis
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John F Dean wrote:I honestly apologize to everyone on this site whom I may have offended.  It was not that I was trying to be condescending.  I just had a lot of stuff on my mind that you could never understand.


Reminds me of a similar joke...

"I wouldn't say he's a megalomaniac but, when I said 'It's a beautiful day' he replied 'Thank you!' "
 
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Actually, if I didn't have a problem with a lack of humility, I would be perfect.
 
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John F Dean
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An atheist is walking through the woods when a huge  bear leaps upon him. As the bear's giant jaws are inches from the man's face he cries our "Oh dear God!" Time stops. The movement of the, bear is frozen. A voice asks, "Would you who have denied me your entire life now ask for my redemption?"  The man, realizing the hypocrisy,  responds, "I cannot ask for that, but could you make this bear a Christian?"   The bear sits in his haunches, places his paws together, bows his head, and says, "Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal of which I am about to partake. "
 
John F Dean
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Hi Greg,

This is a chilly retort for the Antarctica  post.

How does an Eskimo build a house? Igloos it together.
 
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