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Pearl Sutton

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Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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John F Dean

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I kept wondering why the baseball was getting larger......then it hit me.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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Some people say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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For those narrow minded people who insist that time travel is impossible, I would remind you that is exactly the kind of attitude that lost us World War III.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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Hi Pearl,

Your post reminds me of, Why did the chicken go to the seance ? ....... To get to the other side.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Pearl Sutton

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posted 5 years ago

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For Greg Martin:

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." Neutrino replies, "Just passing through."

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

:D
Subatomic humor!

Chris Watson

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posted 5 years ago

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A man joins a monastery of the Strict Observance, where he's assigned a lifelong penance: He's allowed to speak only two words every seven years.

After seven years he enters the Abbot's office. "Very well, Brother", said the Abbot. "You have served us well for seven years; you may now say two words."

The brother thinks for a couple minutes, then says, "Hard bed." He then returns to his duties.

Seven more years pass. The brother has been in the order for fourteen years. He enters the Abbot's office again. "Brother, you have given our community another seven years of faithful service. You may say another two words.

After a moment's thought, the brother replies, "Bad food." He then quietly returns to his duties.

Another seven years pass. The good brother has now completed twenty-one years in the order. He arrives again in the Abbot's office. "Brother, you've given us another seven years of good service. You may now say two words."

Without hesitation, the brother blurts out, "I QUIT!"

The Abbot looks down shaking his head, takes off his glasses, and throws them disgustedly on his desk. "You know, I'm not surprised." He replies. "You've been complaining ever since you got here!"

9d3cb45da35d4cef13ab59d50077a500.jpg

John F Dean

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posted 5 years ago

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The Border Collie brought the herd in from the field and reported to the rancher, "You have 40 sheep." The farmer says, "I know I only have 36 sheep." To which the Border Collie replied,"But I rounded them up."

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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posted 5 years ago

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And God said to John, " Come forth and you shall have eternal life." But John came in 5th and won a toaster.

How is holy water made? You boil the hell out of it.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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posted 5 years ago

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It was a miserable rainy day. Joe had circled the block several times looking for a parking spot. In frustration he shouted, Lord find me a parking space and I will give up drinking. Instantly the clouds parted and a beam of light glowed down upon an empty parking space. Without hesitation Joe commented, "Never mind. I found one."

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Greg Martin

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posted 5 years ago

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Why are there no covid-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they are Ice-o-lated.

(so bad that I felt bad typing it....almost)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

John F Dean

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posted 5 years ago

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A father, living in Tampa, called his son in NY and announced he was getting a divorce. The son is shocked and begs his father not to go through with it. The son calls his sister in Portland with the news. She explodes and assures her brother she will put and end to this madness. She calls her father and gets him to agree not to go through with anything until she and her brother get there for the holiday. The man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife, "Good news. The kids will be here for Easter and they are paying for their own travel."

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Martini. When his drink arrives, he pulls a jar out of his pocket, pulls the olives off the toothpick, and drops the olives into the jar. He finishes his drink and orders another. Each drink, throughout the evening, he treats the same way by removing the olives and placing them in the jar. When the jar is full, he places it into his pocket and settles his bill. When the bartender asked him what the jar was from he replied, "Oh, nothing really. My wife sent me out to get a jar of olives."

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Pearl Sutton

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I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Higgs Boson goes to the Vatican. The pope says "What you doing here Higgs?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me!"

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

John F Dean

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How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon what they want to change it into.

How many counselors does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon how much it wants to change.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Amy Francis

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John F Dean wrote:How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon what they want to change it into.

How many counselors does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon how much it wants to change.

That reminds me of a couple more...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one - but the lightbulb has got to WANT to change!

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? 4 - one to change it and 3 others to share the experience!

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

John F Dean

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The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got pretty tense.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Chris Watson

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Amy Francis wrote:

John F Dean wrote:How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon what they want to change it into.

How many counselors does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon how much it wants to change.

That reminds me of a couple more...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one - but the lightbulb has got to WANT to change!

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? 4 - one to change it and 3 others to share the experience!

How many Greek Orthodox does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They don't change anything.

How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? Just light another candle!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Pearl Sutton

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posted 5 years ago

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How do spoiled rich girls change a light bulb? "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"

John F Dean

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There are 10 kinds 9f people ...those who understand binary and those who don't.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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Great news!!! I just got texted by an old friend who is a practicing Permie in North Korea. I asked him how things were going. He said he can't complain.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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posted 5 years ago

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I tried to join this Scarcasm Club. I couldn't tell if they let me join or not.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Amy Francis

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Location: London, UK

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John F Dean wrote:I tried to join this Scarcasm Club. I couldn't tell if they let me join or not.

Ha! That reminds me of a similar oneliner...

The meeting on apathy tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest....

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

John F Dean

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Ok, I admit it. I got really stressed out last month when my shrink told me I'm a Kleptomaniac. But I'm OK now. I'm taking something.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Amy Francis

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John F Dean wrote:Ok, I admit it. I got really stressed out last month when my shrink told me I'm a Kleptomaniac. But I'm OK now. I'm taking something.

Reminded me of another oneliner...

I used to think I'm a werewolf, but I'm alright nowooooooooowoooooooooowoooooooooooooooow!

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

John F Dean

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I honestly apologize to everyone on this site whom I may have offended. It was not that I was trying to be condescending. I just had a lot of stuff on my mind that you could never understand.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Amy Francis

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John F Dean wrote:I honestly apologize to everyone on this site whom I may have offended. It was not that I was trying to be condescending. I just had a lot of stuff on my mind that you could never understand.

Reminds me of a similar joke...

"I wouldn't say he's a megalomaniac but, when I said 'It's a beautiful day' he replied 'Thank you!' "

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

Tim Siemens

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Actually, if I didn't have a problem with a lack of humility, I would be perfect.

No man is an island.

Mike Feddersen

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John F Dean

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An atheist is walking through the woods when a huge bear leaps upon him. As the bear's giant jaws are inches from the man's face he cries our "Oh dear God!" Time stops. The movement of the, bear is frozen. A voice asks, "Would you who have denied me your entire life now ask for my redemption?" The man, realizing the hypocrisy, responds, "I cannot ask for that, but could you make this bear a Christian?" The bear sits in his haunches, places his paws together, bows his head, and says, "Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal of which I am about to partake. "

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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Hi Greg,

This is a chilly retort for the Antarctica post.

How does an Eskimo build a house? Igloos it together.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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A young monk is assigned the task of copying the laws of the church. After a week he is is bothered by what he sees and goes to the Abbot. His concern is that the copies are being made from previous copies and not from the original. With this practice, if an error is made it will be repeated through the centuries. The Abbot is understanding and agrees to check the most recent copies against the original. As he enters the cellar where the documents are stored, he comments he should be back in a couple of hours.

The young monk waits for many hours, and the Abbot does not return. He decides to enter the cellar and finds the Abbot crying and pounding his head against the stone wall. Of course, the young monk asked what was wrong. The Abbot cried out, "The word is Celebrate!"

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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Ok, I admit it. I have passed my 70th birthday. And, with that comes some problems. So, I had to call the Incontinence Hotline. They asked me if I could hold.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Carla Burke

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Did you hear the exciting news about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes?

He got the No bell prize....

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Amy Francis

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Carla Burke wrote:Did you hear the exciting news about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes?

He got the No bell prize....

That's almost as bad as....
What do you call a corpse leaning on a doorbell?
A dead ringer!

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

John F Dean

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I once bought a Parrot. When I got him home he began swearing in the most vile manner and would not stop. After an hour I got sick of it and shoved him into the freezer and slammed the door shut. After a couple of minutes he stopped. When I let him out, he apologized and sat quietly on his perch. Finally, he asked, "What did the chicken do?"

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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I never realized this, but I guess once Satan lost his hair. Yes, there was hell toupee.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

John F Dean

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A neighboring community has a great German restaurant. The problem is that it is in a rough part of town, and my wife refuses to go there. She fears the Wurst.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

Amy Francis

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Location: London, UK

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John F Dean wrote:A neighboring community has a great German restaurant. The problem is that it is in a rough part of town, and my wife refuses to go there. She fears the Wurst.

The topic of restaurant brought to mind a Steve Wright oneliner....

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

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