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jokes

 
master gardener
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Lif is too short.
 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
 
gardener
Posts: 2066
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of all the indoor fins.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6653
Location: SW Missouri
3046
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Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532. 35 cm3 gluten
2. 4. 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4. 9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236. 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177. 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177. 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4. 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473. 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236. 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank Johnston`s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

From The Engineer's Cookbook
 
gardener
Posts: 3713
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
 
Jay Angler
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A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
 
Jay Angler
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The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6653
Location: SW Missouri
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Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safe deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.

They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The head gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safe deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the wealth, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safe deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes, just more pudding. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least we got a free meal out of it."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."


 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2413
Location: southern Illinois.
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I have some cheap neighbors that really tick me off. This year they got out of buying Christmas gifts for their kids. She got her brother to dress up like Santa and lay down on the front yard.  Then she fired off a shot and told her kids Santa had committed suicide.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Bourbon is better than carrots for my eyes. With bourbon I can see double.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I tried to open an account using  Beef Stew as the password.  It turned out it wasn't  Stroganoff.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Dear Manager,
Thank you for your letter of April 25th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Interviewee

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6653
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A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I once had a conversation with a Dolphin.   We just clicked.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 156
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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A Rhino is just a fat Unicorn.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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After 40 years of homesteading, I can honestly say that I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I don't  understand women's styles. Some men look down on cleveage.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 156
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Do you know the difference between education and experience?
Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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When I was in school every classroom had a chalkboard. Now every classroom has a whiteboard.
They are remarkable.
 
John F Dean
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My wife and I got in a fight last  night.   She hit me with a bottle of Omega 3.  The wound was only super fish oil.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Why aren't  hemorrhoids called asteroids?
 
Jay Angler
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What says Oh Oh Oh?


Santa walking backwards!
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?


Tinselitis!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Its 4 am. My wife was snoring  and woke me up. She said she was dreaming she was on a motorcycle.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Insanity doesn't  run in my family.  It strolls through  it ... getting to know each member personally.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I am not going to tell anyone that good Kentucky Bourbon is the answer, but it is worth a shot.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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A couple was at an upscale function. The gentleman whispered in his wife's ear, "I keep having silent farts. What should I do?"  His wife replied, "Put in a new hearing aid battery."
 
pollinator
Posts: 161
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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2020....too soon?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Taking lots of naps on Sundays causes Mondays.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Do Santa's  Reindeer have herd immunity?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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It's a sign of the times. A big fight broke out at the area Red Lobster.  All the fish were battered.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I 'm not passive aggressive ... unlike some people.
 
master pollinator
Posts: 870
Location: Canadian Prairies - Zone 3b
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.
sheepdog-rocks.jpg
[Thumbnail for sheepdog-rocks.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
master pollinator
Posts: 870
Location: Canadian Prairies - Zone 3b
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.
bumper-cars.jpg
[Thumbnail for bumper-cars.jpg]
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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The First Law of the Peservation of Mass: For every exercise plan, there is an equal and opposite dessert recipe.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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My friend gets really upset when I call him a Flat-Earther
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
gift
 
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