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jokes

 
John F Dean
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Muffins spelled backwards is what I do when I take them out of the oven.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I miss the days when I was terrified of Romaine lettuce

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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My neighbor  David,  had his ID stolen.  Now he is just Dav.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Heather Sharpe
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That reminds me of one I had forgotten. Thanks John!

Ego and superego walk into a bar. The doorman stops them and says, "I'm going to need to see some ID."

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
Emmy Kaia
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Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?!"

 
John F Dean
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Does it strike anyone else as odd that the survival instincts of some people told them to grab toilet paper?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I just had a bunch of old batteries given to me.  Better yet, they were free of charge!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I just read a comment by John Glenn.  When he was sitting on top of the rocket during countdown,  he couldn't get the thought out of his head that every piece of equipment he was in...and on....was made by the lowest bidder.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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A procrastinators work is never done.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Overheard at a Greek tailor shop:

Euripides?

Euminides?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Emmy Kaia
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Why did the blind man fall in the well? He couldn’t see that well.

And while we are on the topic of disabilities (sorry but this one made me laugh out loud and I shared it with my dyslexic dad)

A dyslexic walks into a bra.
 
Greg Martin
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Silver and gold walk into a bar.  The bar tender says “Eh you, get outta here!”
Gold turns around and heads back out.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
Because it was a polar bear.

(ok....got the chemistry jokes out of my system)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16269
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I'm not 50-something. I'm $49.95, plus shipping and handling.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
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The course on prophecy I was taking was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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My Astronomy Club got into a discussion on infinity. I thought it would never end.  

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I bought a Baguette at a little bistro at the St. Louis Zoo. It was bread in captivity.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Every calendar's days are numbered.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
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When you think about it, Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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This is as good a time as any to stop Thanksgiving jokes, but I'm not going to quit cold Turkey.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Ok, let's stop complaining about all the weight we have put on and just admit we were all overweight in July.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Greg Martin
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During a linguistics  lecture the professor declared that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room said "Yeah, right."

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jan White
pollinator
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. One orders a beer, the next a half a beer, the next a quarter, the next an eighth... Shaking his head, the bartender puts two beers on the counter and says, "Come on, guys. Know your limits."
 
Jan White
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. One orders a beer, the next a half a beer, the next a quarter of a beer, the next a third of a beer - "Whoa whoa whoa!" says the bartender. " What are you guys trying to do, break me??"
 
Jan White
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A mathematician and an engineer find a genie. This genie will grant them both the object of their greatest desire. There's a catch, though. The object will appear at the other end of the room. Every step they take towards it will be half as long as the one before.

Hearing this, the mathematician pulls his hair and wails, "That's impossible! I'll never get it!" He hangs his head and walks out of the room.

The engineer just nods. "That's okay. I can get close enough."
 
John F Dean
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If you are into it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I feel Super Lazy today .... so I am wearing a cape.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Douglas Alpenstock
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Location: Canadian Prairies - Zone 3b
1707
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Don't think this was posted yet.
smart-blonde-.jpg
[Thumbnail for smart-blonde-.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
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1707
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.
husband-plans-wifes-birthday.png
[Thumbnail for husband-plans-wifes-birthday.png]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
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1707
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.
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[Thumbnail for you-re-great.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
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1707
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.
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[Thumbnail for pun.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
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1707
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.
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[Thumbnail for singles-ad.jpg]
 
John F Dean
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Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
paul wheaton
author and steward
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?  

Because they are so good at it.
 
Yasmin Hussain
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A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
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