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jokes

 
Dennis Barrow
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Behind every man who says that he wears the pants of the family … is a wife who told him which pants to wear!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog.  Obviously, she thought it understood her.
I came inside and told my cat.  We laughed a lot!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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;-)
131888873_10218718936633125_8951406783632016453_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 131888873_10218718936633125_8951406783632016453_n.jpg]

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.



Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
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Ariel wore sea shells because she out grew her B shells.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
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Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
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The average person walks 900 miles and drinks 21 gallons of beer each year.  That is an impressive 42+ miles to the gallon.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

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Jay Angler
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I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining

It's really irrigating.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
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I am making a list of people I still want to practice social distancing with once I've been vaccinated.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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An elderly couple, celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, went to the same hotel and same room.

"Paw," said the lady, "Remember how anxious you were on our wedding night?"

Paw smiled and said, "I sue do, Maw... I was so anxious you didn't have time to take your stockings off.  But tonight you've got time to knit yourself a pair!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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If you think this is bad, wait until 2020 turns 21 and starts drinking.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.  If I do run out of white, i still have plenty of red.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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De'ja  Moo is when you have the feeling you have heard the same bull before.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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My wife asked me to stop snoring. Apparently it scares her when I'm driving.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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This morning I was thinking how brave my father was as he was dying after his accident. He kept telling us to "be positive" as he laid bleeding on the gurney in the ER. We never could figure out his blood type.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I can't wait for Christmas. It's that time of year when I get to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I really miss being at work and complaining about not wanting to be at work.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I had a really rough day yesterday.  I didn't do anything, and then I was tired.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.
“Why the new sign?” I asked.
“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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An old lady walked into a butcher’s shop and shouted at the butcher.
“That leg of lamb you sold me last week, shrunk by six inches when I cooked it”
“That’s funny” said the butcher “My missis knitted me a jumper, and when she washed it, it shrunk by six inches”
“Must have been from the same sheep”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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I'm a craftaholic on the road to recovery. Just kidding! I'm on the road to the craft store.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I was going to work on my roof yesterday, but I fell off a 32 foot extension ladder. I am lucky I was on the first rung.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Dreams do come true!!  Last night I dreamed I peed the bed.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Wishing everyone a happy whatever doesn't offend you.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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The snowman got a divorce because his wife was a flake.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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My snowman was smiling ... then I saw my neighbor coming his way with a snowblower.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice bergers!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.... so I got her nothing.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Santa is jolly because he knows where the naughty girls live.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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My wife wanted me to surprise her for Christmas. So, just before she woke up, I yelled BOO!!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did Santa's newest helper feel sad?

He had low elf-esteem.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
What does a metric clock look like? I bet it is nothing like this tiny ad:
A rocket mass heater heats your home with one tenth the wood of a conventional wood stove
http://woodheat.net
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